DW [Desperate Wife] wanting more intimacy from my DH

[Anonymous]

Several people have told you the obvious issue here is masturbation, but you want to simply ignore it and hypothesize about a bunch of other stuff. Why?

[Anonymous]

Are you over weight? Have you cut your hair off? Dress differently? If not then is probably jerking off too much

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Several people have told you the obvious issue here is masturbation, but you want to simply ignore it and hypothesize about a bunch of other stuff. Why?

I also think its this simple. He is masturbating too much. If he held off, there is zero chance he can go a week. He would be crawling the walls and OPs clothes off by day 3, day 4 for sure. Either a porn addict, or he is lazy and prefers self pleasure or has some weird fetish on line that gets him off. Perhaps something to explore.

To the men posting about lower drive, can you really go a week without an orgasm?

[Anonymous]

Oh, OP. I'm with you. It's so hard to be rejected so much. I'd actually enjoy delighted with 3x/mo at this point. We have sex maybe 3x/yr. we're both mid 40's and have been married only a few years. It wasn't like this when we date first but it did drop off before the wedding. I had hoped it was just stress. Talking about it definitely makes it worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Several people have told you the obvious issue here is masturbation, but you want to simply ignore it and hypothesize about a bunch of other stuff. Why?

I also think its this simple. He is masturbating too much. If he held off, there is zero chance he can go a week. He would be crawling the walls and OPs clothes off by day 3, day 4 for sure. Either a porn addict, or he is lazy and prefers self pleasure or has some weird fetish on line that gets him off. Perhaps something to explore.

To the men posting about lower drive, can you really go a week without an orgasm?

Yes but why? It makes no difference to men's sex drive. If I go without for three dayside more the sex drive drops. The problem is not the guy watching porn but more likely OP is bad in bed. Most women have no clue what to do or how to do it. She most likely gives pain blowjobs etc.

[Anonymous]

Troll!!!
Such total trolldom, please try to be less obvious next time!

[Anonymous]

Op here. Thanks for the responses. No idea if its lots of masturbation, I doubt that it is because he just doesnt seem to have much drive. And to PP, I am not a troll?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Urk. I'm a DH with a 15month old also, and you are way ahead of us at 3/month. I wish I had better advice for you (or that I lived near you and we could have an agreeable sex-only affair) , but all I can repeat is what I get told a lot: be patient, having little kids around can really kill things. I can tell you as a man that it's much harder for us to fake it and do duty sex. Some men are freaked out by childbirth and some go madonna/whore. Unfortunately, there's not a lot you can do to change his perception of these things for the better, but I can say that being sexually aggressive will reinforce those negative reactions (this is a kind of defensiveness to feeling inadequate).

Was he like this before the kid, or was he more comfortable with more frequent and more adventurous sex? I'm going to guess he was OK before and this is a change.

I would suggest backing off and stopping initiating or pursuing...let him start to pursue you. If he doesn't, bring it up in a non-sexual moment - sometime when you can talk for a bit, but without the pressure of it being tied to having sex right then. Tell him you want a sex life and that the sex life (qualitative and quantitative) that you presently have isn't cutting it. If he's having some kind of freakout about the fact that a baby came out of you or some kind of madonna/whore thing, then he needs to own (admit) that and take responsibility for changing it (talk to a counselor - this is what sex therapists are for!!).

I would be thrilled to have 3/month sex with all the more explicit details you shared...

PP obviously has no idea about how to solve this issue because his situation is even worse. Do not listen to PP's horrible advice!
"Backing off" is the worst possible thing you could do, it sends the message that you accept the status quo.

You must do the exact opposite: be clear and consistent about your needs, and be quite vocal when your needs are not being met.
Sounds like you've not actually had The Talk with him yet, where you get honest about how this is deeply affecting you, and ask him to make your needs a higher priority?

[Anonymous]

I am older and experienced. To get to an explanation, I would strongly advocate checking the husband's computer and phone for porn websites and/or communications from other women. My first husband acted like he wanted to be married to me, but he was chasing someone at work. This is before computers were around. Something is going on here. He is feeling guilty but doesn't want to upset the apple cart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here is my advice:

Men's desire builds without release. This is where it differs from women. If he hasn't had an orgasm, after day 2, 3, 4, his level of desire should increase exponentially. There is almost no chance he goes the week without self-pleasure. So the first issue, he needs to cut out masturbation and bring his sexual energy to you.

Now the question is why he prefers self-pleasure and that is complicated. Perhaps he is a porn addict. Or simply is desires are out of the mainstream. Maybe you can find a way to bring it up. There is a mojo sex survey that might help you and him explore what turns each other on.

If he really is this low desire and this young age, he needs to get his testosterone and thyroid and other panels looked at.

My sympathy goes out to you. Your DH and my DW would be a perfect match. You sound awesome.

This is not true. After 3-4 days, desire decreases.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, I feel like my testosterone has plummeted into my mid 30s. I no longer have the high drive I had in my 20s. It's an issue for many men. Meanwhile, women don't hit their sexual peak until their 30s. The older man with a younger woman trope is a biological match but a sexual mismatch.

Huh. I'm 32 and DH is 46. Married 5 years with 2 kids. He is the sexiest, horniest man I have ever known. And I knew quite a few before him.

[Anonymous]

1. Low T? Get it checked.

2. Cheating?

3. Gay?

[Anonymous]

I feel the same way. My husband haven't had sex with me for 8 weeks, sometimes he dont have sex with me for 3,4, 5, 6, 7 ,8 weeks, but he will ask me for a BJ during this time and don't have sex with me and if I ask him for sex he put me down and start to make fun of me.

Why the hell would he ask me for a BJ knowing that we haven't had sex in several weeks. I am frustrated and my heart is full of pain.

[Anonymous]

You're doing much better than I am. DW completely lost interest in sex after DC was born 9 years ago. Had this happened earlier in our relationship I would have left. But now, as I'm nearing my sixties, my once tremendous sex drive is declining.