I feel terrible , I am not sure of the best action.

[Anonymous]

Found out this evening my nanny and her husband cannot have children. This was after me blabbing to her last week about both my sisters being pregnant at the same time, and me "complaining" about not being able to join them. I kind of consider her a third little sister, so I teasingly said she needs to watch out because she'll be next.

I honestly didn't know, and I feel like such a jerk.

Part of me wants to write her a little note, but I have no idea what to put in it.

She's been with us 8 years and she and her husband have become part of our village. I can't imagine how hard this must be for them. It was accidental, but I know what I said must have caused her pain.

I'm just not sure what to do. I apologized because I didn't know. She said not to worry because she hadn't told me. It was just very awkward when she left. I won't see her again until Monday. Would a note make it worse?

I haven't dealt with infertility so I really don't know if it would be better just to let it go , or apologize again.

[Anonymous]

Leave it alone, OP. You made an innocent mistake and apologized, bringing it up again will only prolong her pain. Your punishment is to live with your passing and minor guilt, don't remind her of this situation just to make yourself feel better.

[Anonymous]

Offer to help her get health insurance that covers fertility treatments?

[Anonymous]

Leave it alone and lesson learned.

Personally, I never ask/joke about people's next stage of life--
--like asking when a single person will get a boy/girlfriend
--asking a dating couple when they'll set the date
--asking a newly married couple or couple who has a kid about their plan for kids

I just think it's rude.

[Anonymous]

Message received.
I will say nothing and proceed as usual come Monday.
Lesson learned.

[doodlebug]

I'm a nanny who can't have kids and your statement wouldn't bother me. I am often asked why I don't have kids of my own (sometimes even in interviews!) and have to explain I tried and can't. I have been surprised to learn how many family's I work for have fertility issues. I had two families say they had just destroyed their leftover embryos and would have given them to me had they known me then. Some people take infertility really hard and others don't. But really, it's OK! Each person's journey is different and being sad for one's own infertility doesn't take away from the joy one feels for someone else's good fortune.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Leave it alone, OP. You made an innocent mistake and apologized, bringing it up again will only prolong her pain. Your punishment is to live with your passing and minor guilt, don't remind her of this situation just to make yourself feel better.

Agree. Innocents mistake

[Anonymous]

I'm in your nanny's spot. I would appreciate a small comment like, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings the other day." Don't go overboard, and don't write a note - that's too much. But something small would be nice. She will probably blow it off (I would), but deep down it would mean a lot to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm in your nanny's spot. I would appreciate a small comment like, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings the other day." Don't go overboard, and don't write a note - that's too much. But something small would be nice. She will probably blow it off (I would), but deep down it would mean a lot to me.

I dealt with infertility for years - didn't expect everyone else in the world not to keep going on with having kids and talking about it. That's 'normal.' And you didn't know her situation. I honestly did feel 'sad' when people did talk about being pregnant or dealing with pregnancy etc - but it's not about the other person being "insensitive" (ie. it's not really about "you" as the third party) vs. dealing with your own situation. I'd instead maybe either do a note or quick talk that is more of the tone of being sorry about her situation and that you are "there" for her as a friend vs. your "behavior."

[Anonymous]

You kindly apologized to her so now I wouldn't mention it to her anymore.

Doing so would just maximize her pain OP.

Yes, she is going to be sad about this but you did nothing wrong.

Just a sad turn of events.
For everyone.

[Anonymous]

It's a very personal matter. You already apologized so leave it at that. Now, she's wondering who the heck told you this very personal matter. And it's best to NOT tell anyone else because it's a private matter. Maybe she doesn't want the world or your sisters to know about it.

[Anonymous]

Just leave it. She will have to deal with this for her whole life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Found out this evening my nanny and her husband cannot have children. This was after me blabbing to her last week about both my sisters being pregnant at the same time, and me "complaining" about not being able to join them. I kind of consider her a third little sister, so I teasingly said she needs to watch out because she'll be next.

I honestly didn't know, and I feel like such a jerk.

Part of me wants to write her a little note, but I have no idea what to put in it.

She's been with us 8 years and she and her husband have become part of our village. I can't imagine how hard this must be for them. It was accidental, but I know what I said must have caused her pain.

I'm just not sure what to do. I apologized because I didn't know. She said not to worry because she hadn't told me. It was just very awkward when she left. I won't see her again until Monday. Would a note make it worse?

I haven't dealt with infertility so I really don't know if it would be better just to let it go , or apologize again.

Don't worry about it. Just tell her you are so sorry, you had no idea and didn't mean to cause her any pain. I am not able to have kids and people make random comments like this to me all the time. They don't know my story, so I never hold it against them and it really doesn't make me sad. Most infertile people are not weeping messes of sensitivity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Leave it alone, OP. You made an innocent mistake and apologized, bringing it up again will only prolong her pain. Your punishment is to live with your passing and minor guilt, don't remind her of this situation just to make yourself feel better.

Grow up and think before you open your mouth.