| My mother has had a chronic and debilitating illness all my life. My parents were wildly irresponsible about money. My mom inherited a substantial sum of money from her parents' estate (over $2M) when I was 15. They blew every penny (and not on us kids because we all had scholarships and loans for college). My dad ended up moving my mother to another state with cheaper COL. She is on Medicaid after he died. She has dementia. She will call and yell at me about her situation. I pay for some of her extras because Medicare only leaves her with $60 a month extra. I have two small kids. I feel horrible that she is unhappy but I also feel that it isn't my problem. My grandparents constantly bailed them out financially and now she has to live within her means. I am sad she doesn't live closer but I am not sure moving her is possible due to her Medicaid situation. Is it hard to change states under Medicaid? Should I feel guilty for this situation? |
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It would be very hard to find a nursing home that will take medicaid pending and is decent. We moved my MIL here and then found a nursing home. It took about 8 months (she lived with us) and it was an absolute nightmare. Finally we found one to take her that was supposed to be top rated and we've had nothing but issues. It does help so we can be actively involved.
My MIL gets $77 a month (I get her SS check and have to send in all but $77 - I think it is 77 about that much). Her only expenses are clothing, shoes, dental and a few other things. We supplement a little but by our choice. I buy a lot of clothing and bedding because the nursing home destroys it or loses it. But, I buy on clearance and in bulk and hold on to it till she needs it (i.e. $10 jeans, $3-4-5 tee shirts), so I can make that money stretch. Medicaid will sometimes reimburse for dental and other medical not covered by medicaid buy you have to prepay and then it is deducted another month out of the money you send to the nursing home. Call around and see if you can find a nursing home. Since she is on medicaid, they may be willing to do medicaid pending. It takes up to 90 days to get the paperwork through, normally just due to lazy workers. So, during that time the nursing home is not getting paid. We have been on waitlists for several years. A year ago, I reapplied to move her and no one would take her. They mostly want them out of the hospital under medicare and then transfer to medicaid. Medicare has a higher pay rate and during that time you can get transferred to medicaid. Its possible, but very difficult. It is best to have someone nearby to advocate for her, especially as the dementia progresses. And, if you do not have POA, then at some point be prepared to go to court to get legal guardianship. The nursing home we were at would not accept my husband's POA. Also, become the rep. payee for social security and have them out a note on the account that it cannot be changed without your consent. (often the nursing home will take the check and then not spend the remaining amount on the individual). |
Thank you! This was very helpful. She is in a very nice nursing home in the Midwest, where she is originally from. I think she would be unhappy any where because she wants her old life back. I don't blame her for that! She made these arrangements years ago when she was far more lucid. Also the logistics of moving her is a nightmare as I was told she would likely need a nurse with her to move since she is almost completely numb from the waste down. Her arms are partially numb. Her anger is just overwhelming. I dread calling her and seeing her 4 times a year. I have a POA and am the rep. payee but I wish I had told my dad to have my uncle do it before my dad died. I didn't realize I would become the person all her anger would be targeted at. |
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The anger is part of the dementia. She doesn't fully understand what is going on and is very confused. It will get worse. My MIL was always very good to me and when she moved here with the dementia, I got the brunt of it. It was terrible. Honestly, its easier managing things if she is closer but then you will feel obligated to visit, at least a few times a month, if not more. Its been a lot of work between the visits, arguing with the nursing home, managing everything but I couldn't do it from that distance. Even if your uncle was POA and payee, it wouldn't make a difference. They usually target the person closest to them and just remember dementia does horrible things to the mind.
Moving her is a big issue. We did it from cross country. Originally we were told she could not fly and were going to get a private train booth so she would not be overwhelmed with people and my husband transport her (it would have taken days). Luckily she could fly and we had friends in the area she came from to help so it was manageable. If you are going to do it, you need to do it sooner than later but finding a nursing home will be near impossible. At least in MD, you have to get her into a nursing home bed (medicaid pending), then apply for medicaid. I could not find a bed, like I said, till months after she was here as they all want her a Maryland resident. I had to get her an ID, change over social security and all that, etc. Can you have your husband take over some of the day-to-day? For some reason since she isn't my mom, I handle it a lot better than my husband does. PS. Most of the people on my MIL unit are angry. If you had to live like they do bored, doing nothing all day with terrible food, 2 showers a week, how would you feel? |
OP here. The problem is she cannot stay with us until I find a place for her. She needs round the clock nursing assistance. She has to be in a nursing home facility due to her physical state. My house is even remotely accessible for her. I currently do not argue with the nursing home she is in. They provide excellent care and it is actually very nice, which is why she and my dad selected it years ago. I think at this stage of the game, I honestly cannot move her. After reading your post and the previous post, the thought of moving her has become absurd. Thank you for replying! |
| I agree that moving her is absurd. It also has little to do with how irresponsible she was with money. It really makes no difference how close she is, the dementia will continue to take her further from you. Unless you've witnessed first hand the devastating effects of dementia, you have little idea of how devastating it is. My FIL had it as did my DH's uncle. The last 5 years of my DH's uncle's life, I had to avoid seeing him because every time I did, he'd go into a rage. He was convinced I had stolen his brother's car, sold all of his belongings and was stealing his money. His brother (DH's father) was dead and since DH is an only child, DH inherited everything. I was driving FIL's car because 1) he was dead and didn't need it and 2) it was better than mine (but not as nice as DH's). I also helped clean out his house (DH's childhood home). He couldn't remember his brother was dead but he sure did remember me with his brother's stuff! |
^^PP here. I forgot to mention that I know DH's uncle would have been appalled at his behavior had he been in his right mind. He was a very nice, very kind man and I'm sorry things ended the way they did. He was gone long before he actually died. |
If she is getting good care, I'd visit more if you can but I would not move her. Its going to be very difficult in terms of finding another facility. The top ones are not taking new medicaid patients in less you can private pay for a few years first. I've been to most in MD, and very few are nice that take medicaid. Ours is better rated and its a constant battle on basic issues that should not even be issues. If the nursing home facilitates the transfer, you might make it work but if you call around saying medicaid transfer from another state, its near impossible (she'd probably get the medicaid no issue but you have to reapply). Reality is she is not going to be happy anywhere, so the only advantage is you can visit more and monitor and monitor the situation. |
You're looking at it very differently than I would. We moved my MIL because they were going to dump her anywhere and she was across the country. It doesn't matter how responsible or irresponsible they are with money when it gets to the moderate to severe dementia stage. She might as well enjoyed the money and let medicaid pay for the nursing home. Most suck either way and you only get slightly better care in some places private pay. Most are terrible either way. Having my MIL close means we can get her outside appointments when we don't agree with the nursing home (which we've had to do for dental and other issues), manage her money and make sure she has clothing and everything she needs (when the nursing home took her check, we sent a list of needed items and they refused to buy it with her funds), having eyes on (you can see with active family, the patient treatment is better), and most importantly, no matter how she behaves due to the dementia, one of the few joys she gets is seeing us and her grandkids. And, how do you want to be treated in your final years? I want my kids to learn no matter what you take care of family and set a good example on how it should be done. But, in OP case, it is different from yours or ours. OP mom is at a good facility who is meeting her needs. And, its very hard to transfer medicaid facilities and the physical part of moving her would be very difficult and expensive for OP if she had to pay for multiple flights (assuming mom can fly) and a caregiver. |