STD from BF plus revelations about our early days

[Anonymous]

BF and I are both divorced and have been serious for six months. Our first date was very special, exciting, and one of the best memories of my life. We had sex a few weeks in. I told him that to be intimate, I need exclusivity and for him to get tested for STDs. He was tested, everything negative, did not test for HPV (don't think you can).

Fast forward and overall we've had a wonderful six months. Recently he found a genital wart, and now I have one as well: diagnosis HPV. For those who don't know, the strain of HPV causing genital warts is essentially non-worrisome, and not the strains that cause cervical cancer. It's common and not really a big deal, and yet I'm upset and grossed out. I had the warts removed and am healing.

Before intimacy, we discussed sex/relationship history. He hadn't used condoms (vasectomy) with his two previous partners in the last few years, both of whom were FWBs. I was disappointed by the lack of condoms and no STD testing, but appreciated his honesty.

Somehow now the topic of his last FWB came up and he disclosed that he'd still been seeing her when we first starting dating. He stopped sleeping with her before he and I slept together, so it wasn't cheating, however the timing was a shock to me because I'd had the impression it had been quite a few months in between us. I don't know whether he lied directly, by omission, or misimpression. I can't remember how specifically we discussed the timing back then, but I was hard core about the sexual health stuff and he knows I'm a borderline germophobe. I think the timing of a last lover is relevant. Now I've asked directly whether he'd slept with her after meeting me (but before we slept together), and he won't answer that, so I assume he did.

First, I'm super grossed out that after he and I met and had a magical first few weeks, he could have been sleeping with her, even if he and I weren't sexual yet. To be fair, he and I met online and I was open about still dating the first few weeks. I had some new first and second dates, nothing sexual. I didn't want to commit too early, and a few dates with other men helped with perspective. I knew that this guy was special. I'm the first to agree that sex isn't always connected with emotion, and I've had a FWB before, but I cannot imagine sleeping with someone else after he and I met and sparks flew. Also, I think first/second dates are different than sleeping someone. I can't imagine sleeping with another man during the time that BF and I met because we were so mutually excited and it seemed special. This makes me question all that.

I'm also concerned that he didn't tell me he'd been with someone so close in timing to me. I feel misled, and I'm questioning whether I've been blinded by love and whether I need to question his general honesty.

Am I overreacting?

[Anonymous]

Yes, you are way overreacting. So he kept dating his FWB in the first few weeks that you, too, were dating others. Get over it. You are being ridiculous. He didn't cheat. He may have fudged about the last time he slept with his old gf, but you weren't exclusive then, so he wasn't being dishonest. If he's a good guy, then keep dating him.

[Anonymous]

He's not the right guy for you. Move on.

[Anonymous]

You are high drama. It's not gonna work, unless you calm down.

[Anonymous]

1) You're overreacting. Sex is different for men than it is for women.

2) Don't ask questions when you don't want to hear the answers.

3) Don't get all nitpicky about the first couple of months of your relationship, when you were just getting to know each other.

[Anonymous]

OP....I get it. You're disappointed. But you can't control his past and your going to screw this up if you don't let it go. And truly let it go, don't bring it up every time you get mad at him. Sounds like a great (& honest) guy. Not many of them out there.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, OP. Not everyone regards sex and intimacy as the same thing. It's not gender so much as values. If this bothers you this much now, chances are that you will never truly move on from it and it will become a seed of mistrust and resentment in your relationship. Perhaps the best thing to do is to part as friends.

[Anonymous]

I'd move on. For me giving me an STD would be a deal breaker.
Plus it seems you two have different values.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd move on. For me giving me an STD would be a deal breaker.
Plus it seems you two have different values.

There's no proof he gave her the STD. HPV can happily live dormant for years before ever giving any indication and most doctors won't bother to test for it (you can test women) unless there's a high likelihood of it. OP has slept with other people including a casual FWB (who was likely seeing other ladies because that's what you do as non-exclusive FWB). For all we know she gave it to him.

As far as sex with someone else after you met, just because you choose not to have sex on dates one and two doesn't mean he shouldn't still be doing his thing. You said it only took a few weeks to get in bed with him, so date 3 makes it okay? Everybody has their own comfort levels. You're and his are obviously different.

Also, you are not blinded by love, it's just lust.

[Anonymous]

You already knew he hadn't been using condoms in TWO FWB situations. Your mistake was sleeping with him anyway.

I agree with PPs that he isn't the guy for you.

[Anonymous]

OP, I don't blame you for being upset. I am a serial monogamist and understand people have FWB situations. But I would not be crazy about what you have described. Sex drive compatibility is important, but so is one's views on sex in general.

[Anonymous]

My wife and I started seeing each other long distance in the beginning, A few months ago I asked her if there was any overlap between boyfriends when we were together. We've been together for 17 years so the answer wouldn't have upset me.
She admitted that she had a late night hook up about a month into our relationship, but before we had slept together. I admitted the same and we both had a huge laugh about it.

Then it changed and created this jealous passion for each other, we're still riding it but not talking about it. OP, this is a minor blip that comes with a little bit of very solvable baggage; yes I could see how this close in you could be upset but if you look at it through a longer lens you would see that this is not really a big deal.

[Anonymous]

I would dump him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1) You're overreacting. Sex is different for men than it is for women.

2) Don't ask questions when you don't want to hear the answers.

3) Don't get all nitpicky about the first couple of months of your relationship, when you were just getting to know each other.

+1 though I don't necessarily agree sex is different for men than women because I know plenty of women that keep a FWB relationship going until they know the new guy they are dating is someone they want to be exclusive with AND feels the same about her. So maybe I'm too analytical but I think there is a difference between meeting someone you have instant chemistry with but while you are continuing to date other people you meet someone new that on date 1 or 2 you sleep with them KNOWING you really want things to pan out with instant chemistry person, versus you were already sleeping with someone be it a FWB or someone you were dating but not exclusive and then meet instant chemistry person.

Honestly though I wouldn't even ask the question because I wouldn't want to know the answer. If it's anything other than the same decision, I.e. We both had FWB or an ex we were hooking up with that we continued until it seemed obvious we were going to be exclusive, or neither of us was having sex with someone else when we met and waited for our relationship to progress, or we were both had an ex or FWB but after date 1 with each other, broke it off) someone is going to feel hurt. I agree with other posters that if you like him, he has been honest with you, he hasn't cheated on you, and in general he is a kind person (not just in how he treats you) I don't see why it has to be "meet cute" we forsakes all others day one, fairy tale beginning. I'm a sucker for romantic movies as much as anyone but I think life is more When Harry Met Sally than Disney Princess story and it's more about the journey and ending than how you began.

[Anonymous]

I don't think it's crazy or unheard of, but I wouldn't like it and I don't think he sounds completely honest.