DC with theoretical desire to excel in sports, but little effort

[Anonymous]

I wasn't sure how to title this thread! My DS is 12 and passionately loves a certain sport; however, he is not naturally skilled and never seems (to me) to want to put in any practice time other than his actual team practice. He plays on a rec team which practices once a week in the fall/spring, with one game on the weekends. He really wants to make a travel team (he tried out last year and did not make one), but it is so obvious that he isn't as naturally skilled as the other players, nor does he have the competitiveness or drive to make up for his lack of natural skills. When I suggest to him the he throw on the bounce back, he doesn't want to. When I suggest we go outside together and play, he doesn't want to. When I suggest he sign up for an extra clinic or camp, he doesn't want to.

I know I can't, and shouldn't, make him to anything extra that he doesn't want to do, AND that this is a great opportunity for him to learn the "natural consequences" of his decisions. But he seems to have a real problem in making that connection. Last summer he didn't make the travel team, and we talked about it afterwards and at the time he agreed that he would need to work harder, practice more, etc to hopefully make it the next year, but none of that sunk it when it was time to actually put in the time for extra practice, etc.

Also, if you ask him, he thinks he does "work hard" at his sport. He occasionally signs up for an extra clinic or camp, but it seems to me he just goes through the motions and doesn't seem to try as hard as the other kids there. When I point out to him that there is a difference between quantity of time spent on something, and quality of time spent on something, he doesn't seem to get that point.

My point in posting isn't to ask how to help DC make a travel team - I just don't think that will (or frankly, should) happen. But I would love to find ways to help him to make the connection between effort and results, since he doesn't seem to be able to easily do that, even with what I think is a great example right in front of him. He has inattentive adhd, fwiw, and executive function deficits, and I do wonder if those make it harder for him to see the connections or to understand how to map a plan for improvement (although even if so, I still feel at a loss for how to help him improve on that).

I would love to hear from parents who have similar kids and what has helped (if anything).

[Anonymous]

I think just hold off on any commentary and let him learn by trial and error.

If he expresses disappointment, just listen. He'll eventually connect the dots.

[Anonymous]

A well written post and I sympathize as I too have a 12 year old son of that mold. I've paid for him to take private lessons, which he enjoyed, but there was never any carryover to at-home practice. Like yours, he has said that he practices hard, but I've never really seen it. He also wants to skip team practices if he has too much homework, which would be fine if it was true, but it's really more of a time management thing, or lack thereof, for him.

Also like you, I don't push hard, because he has to want to improve on his own. Some parents may subscribe to the tiger parent approach, but I feel that could lead to resentment. Hard to know and hindsight is 20-20.

The reality is that my son isn't motivated by much of anything. I think time will teach him a lesson here. He may reach 9th grade and decide he wants to try out for a high school sport, but the fact that he didn't work hard in the preceding years will doom him. A tough lesson if that happens, but we can only encourage our kids so much before we let them lead the way.

[Anonymous]

What sport? If baseball I can give some advice / perspective

[Anonymous]

Sounds like lacrosse? Have to have amazing drive to be successful in this area and/or amazing talent

[Anonymous]

My son was a bit longer like yours OP. What helped was having him talk to some of the kids who were winning the tournaments to get an idea of how much they practiced. That was eye opening for him in a way I couldn't have duplicated. He doesn't have the uber competitiveness that some of the other kids do which is fine but now he knows what it takes to reach their level. I'm okay if he just learns something from his sport. He improves with practice and doesn't seem too upset when he doesn't win. When he does do well, he enjoys it but not enough to put in the extra hours of practice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My son was a bit longer like yours OP. What helped was having him talk to some of the kids who were winning the tournaments to get an idea of how much they practiced. That was eye opening for him in a way I couldn't have duplicated. He doesn't have the uber competitiveness that some of the other kids do which is fine but now he knows what it takes to reach their level. I'm okay if he just learns something from his sport. He improves with practice and doesn't seem too upset when he doesn't win. When he does do well, he enjoys it but not enough to put in the extra hours of practice.

I have no idea why the word "longer" was inserted into my post. Ooops!

[Anonymous]

OP here, thanks for these replies. The sport is baseball. He's the same with any sport, though - but he loves baseball and foresees a future for himself in this sport (which breaks my mom heart, but that's part of life).

[Anonymous]

how to help DC make a travel team

Op, you should stop with trying to skew things to his advantage. He's on his own re this

[Anonymous]

Can you connect him with a kid on the baseball team at his future high school? Have them talk about it - how the kid got to where he is , how often he practices, what he does in between practices, what he thinks most helped him get good at it etc. hearing it from an older kid might help make it more real to your DC.

[Anonymous]

My kid has adhd inattentive and is incredibly motivated and hard working in his sport, so I don't think that is necessarily to blame. I think kids either have intrinsic motivation or they don't. You can't force it. I would keep giving him opportunities to try different activities. Maybe when he finds the right thing that really lights him up he will find the motivation on his own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

how to help DC make a travel team

Op, you should stop with trying to skew things to his advantage. He's on his own re this

Way to take a quote out of context -- her OP specifically said that she was *not* looking for how to help DC make a travel team.

[Anonymous]

Your son sounds exactly like mine. I think the lesson will be learned when he doesn't make the team. I'm not sure where you live - in my area, boys age out of rec ball at age 12. My son mentioned something about playing ball in high school, and I gently commented that high school ball was even more competitive than middle school.

[Anonymous]

Kids who excel at a high level in sports do so because they fall in love with it to a degree that they want to practice, work hard and excel. You cannot "give" your child this intrinsic motivation. Encourage, provide opportunities to play, and that is it. It is up to him. I am always amazed that parents who were not dedicated highly skilled athletes think that their kids will be.

[Anonymous]

Everyone "theoretically" wants to excel in things. That means nothing.