Walking Away From Someone Who Is 80% Great But Not The One

[Anonymous]

This is my first relationship after a divorce. He's a mixed bag of really awesome and fun and some issues that would need to be addressed before I could ever agree to anything long term. Fortunately, if anything, I think I am more into him than he is into me, so this isn't a feeling guilty question. He'll be really sad but will bounce back more quickly, I think.

I am just wondering how you walk away from that (which I need to do soon) and deal with the hurt of losing the 80% that you really loved. It sounds like a stupid question, but I still have a lot of grief over my divorce, so I am trying to wrap my head around yet another loss. I'm not sure - although you tell me - that just focusing on the 20% bad is going to be enough to stop all the hurt. I am going to miss him. I would love to know what has helped others deal with this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is my first relationship after a divorce. He's a mixed bag of really awesome and fun and some issues that would need to be addressed before I could ever agree to anything long term. Fortunately, if anything, I think I am more into him than he is into me, so this isn't a feeling guilty question. He'll be really sad but will bounce back more quickly, I think.

I am just wondering how you walk away from that (which I need to do soon) and deal with the hurt of losing the 80% that you really loved. It sounds like a stupid question, but I still have a lot of grief over my divorce, so I am trying to wrap my head around yet another loss. I'm not sure - although you tell me - that just focusing on the 20% bad is going to be enough to stop all the hurt. I am going to miss him. I would love to know what has helped others deal with this.

Did you really thing the first guy you date after a divorce would be the one? Likely not. You have to kiss a lot of frogs sometimes.

[Anonymous]

You have to be flexible to be in a relationship. The older you are, the harder it gets to be flexible.

[Anonymous]

The longer you stay, the bigger that 20% gets. So eventually he will be just 50% great, 50% issues you don't want. Even longer and he will be 20% great and 80% issues you don't want.

Leave now, while you still have fond feelings, which should end with you doing a healthier bounce back. Leaving once you are angry or tired or resentful of time wasted doesn't buy you anything. You know he's not the one you want to be with, better to move along now. It will suck, break ups always suck. But it will just take time.

[Anonymous]

What is the 20% I mean, it kind of depends on what exactly you are defining and negative. Why do you need to walk away? Is be abusive or something?

Frankly most people have an 80/20 relationship going on, maybe even less like 70/30. I don't know anyone who is absolutely 100% loves every.single.thing about their spouse. If you think you need to feel that way about someone, you'll never be happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is the 20% I mean, it kind of depends on what exactly you are defining and negative. Why do you need to walk away? Is be abusive or something?

Frankly most people have an 80/20 relationship going on, maybe even less like 70/30. I don't know anyone who is absolutely 100% loves every.single.thing about their spouse. If you think you need to feel that way about someone, you'll never be happy.

The difference is most people go into it thinking they've got 100, but in reality it's closer to 80/20 (once you take off the rose-tinted glasses). If you're going into it thinking it's 80/20, it's probably more like 60/40 since we always romanticize relationships, and tend to give more weight to the positives.

OP, I suggest focusing on the 20%. You'll start to realize that he's actually not that great.

[Anonymous]

He has commitment and boundary issues. He cheated on his ex-wife. Because of his boundary issues (e.g., he insists on staying friends with all his exes, which means he has trouble letting go and committing to a new relationship), I don't think I would ever really trust him. I don't think he really is capable of real commitment.

But we have fun, we have off the charts physical attraction, he cracks me up all the time, and he is very easy going and emotionally supportive. The 20% is a fatal flaw long-term, though.

[Anonymous]

yeah, that's a fatal flaw. Run for the hills!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He has commitment and boundary issues. He cheated on his ex-wife. Because of his boundary issues (e.g., he insists on staying friends with all his exes, which means he has trouble letting go and committing to a new relationship), I don't think I would ever really trust him. I don't think he really is capable of real commitment.

But we have fun, we have off the charts physical attraction, he cracks me up all the time, and he is very easy going and emotionally supportive. The 20% is a fatal flaw long-term, though.

Oh wow, that is a 50% flaw in my book. Be glad that you recognized that this problem is there even if it hasn't yet overshadowed the 80% great part yet. Just keep thinking about how it would feel to be with someone like that for 10 years and how hard it would be to move on then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He has commitment and boundary issues. He cheated on his ex-wife. Because of his boundary issues (e.g., he insists on staying friends with all his exes, which means he has trouble letting go and committing to a new relationship), I don't think I would ever really trust him. I don't think he really is capable of real commitment.

But we have fun, we have off the charts physical attraction, he cracks me up all the time, and he is very easy going and emotionally supportive. The 20% is a fatal flaw long-term, though.

Wow that is a big flaw but he sounds fun. Maybe just have some fun with him and just let him know now that this is just fun and not long term. Trust is one of those foundation pieces that you can't compromise on. Have a lot of fun with him but just realize you won't be doing it long term. Even put an expiration date on it like 6 months or so.

[Anonymous]

I tried just having fun, but then I fell for him. We've been off and on (mostly on) for over a year. It's time to end it. He doesn't think it is long term, either, but I don't think he loves me. I'll be the one more hurt.

[Anonymous]

Try not to let him knock you up before you dump him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have to be flexible to be in a relationship. The older you are, the harder it gets to be flexible.

I'm not sure I agree with the "harder" part. I do agree that you have to be flexible, and honestly, IMO, the 80% case is very good. I really think - unless something is just a drop-dead dealbreaker - 80% is worth rounding up to "the one". "The one" is magical, immature thinking, IMO.

OP, how about you give yourself a while before re-committing to something "permanent"? I'm a divorced person also and I do believe in rounding up (I'm remarried and DW required a little rounding up, as I know I did for her), but I also think you might want to give yourself some time to fully get over the marriage. There were 10 years between my marriages and a bunch of (serious) dating too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Try not to let him knock you up before you dump him.

If he did, I would just take care of it. Neither of us wants another kid. My question was is there any way of dealing with the hurt of the break up? It's going to hurt like hell. So far, the answers have been, "No, break ups just suck," and "Focus on the bad and be glad you are getting out now instead of ten years from now." Any other tips?

[Anonymous]

I'm PP @15.54, and yeah, that is way more than just 20% flaw.