Affair trigger that can't be avoided

[Anonymous]

I know there was a different discussion about an affair trigger that could be avoided (chuck the perfume). What about one that can't? I know my DW and AP had champagne together. Now I hate champagne, hate the thought of it, hate seeing it. But at weddings,etc., there are champagne toasts. I cannot stand them but cannot avoid them either. The therapist said such the emotion of such triggers will fade with time, but it is very painful now. Does anyone have a similar experience? Do they fade over time? I cannot avoid champagne toasts forever.

[Anonymous]

Just get a divorce

[Anonymous]

Look, you're choosing to stay. If you get this upset about the idea of a champagne toast, you might want to rethink staying. I get you're hurt but it's abnormal to be so worked up over something like this and if you are, it might be a sign you need to leave the marriage once and for all. Why do this to yourself. You're going to give yourself an aneurysm over champagne.

[Anonymous]

People who cheat are assholes. Yes, your reactions to triggers are completely normal. With that said some people let it fade and they get over it. I don't think I ever could and therefore would divorce.

Sorry you're going through a shitty time op. People & champagne suck!

[Anonymous]

This might sound like a crazy idea, but I wonder if a hypnotist could help you lose the assocation. Random, but could be worth a try if this is a big issue for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Look, you're choosing to stay. If you get this upset about the idea of a champagne toast, you might want to rethink staying. I get you're hurt but it's abnormal to be so worked up over something like this and if you are, it might be a sign you need to leave the marriage once and for all. Why do this to yourself. You're going to give yourself an aneurysm over champagne.

+1

[Anonymous]

This isn't quite the same, but the man who sexually abused me as a child often smelled of beer and cigarettes. For years, those smells were major PTSD triggers for me. I avoided parties and bars mostly in college as a result. I did desensitize myself to the point that it doesn't bother me except if my partner were to drink beer right before kissing me. He knows this and doesn't.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, OP. There are a lot of things that remind me of my husband's affair. When he has to work late (does he really? he claimed to be working late during the affair...), when I drive by Chipotle (apparently, that was a place they met, talk about classy, and I actually liked Chipotle), when certain memorable dates go by, etc. The world isn't going to change. Chipotle is still there despite the food scare earlier this year My husband has a job that in fact does require a lot of hours. The reminders fade, but I'm about a year out. I find that I am just now getting really angry about what he did. Strangely, it bugs me a lot that he has gained a bunch of weight back. He was in tip top shape during the affair but before and after he was/is quite pudgy and lackadaisical about his hygiene. I guess I'm not worth the effort. It really pisses me off!

I think the champagne thing will fade with time. I often wonder if these "triggers" would disappear if I got a divorce, but I doubt it. So I think leaving wouldn't fix anything about that specific problem. I have to say, my husband apparently doesn't think about his affair that often anymore (according to him) but it occurs to me daily still. I have no clue if our marriage will make it, but I'm trying my hardest because I have small children and want to make sure that if we get a divorce, I tried everything I could.

[Anonymous]

The next time you have to make a champagne toast, just remember it's not the champagne that cheated on you.

[Anonymous]

In all honesty, you either a). Leave this cheater or b). Stay & deal with all the issues that come along with standing by your woman.

It is totally unfair that you have to deal with all of this over your wife's discretion.

No one should put you in a position where the mere presence of bubbly breaks your heart.

Remember this fundamental point OP.

[Anonymous]

If you broke up, would the champagne still bother you? I'm not sure divorce is the cure for trauma triggers. Desensitization, maybe.

[Anonymous]

OP - listen, your husband and the OW may have had champagne together but they also had sex.

Going to avoid sex with your husband?

[Anonymous]

Please. It isn't like you have that champagne trigger every day. Other folks have triggers because their spouse had sex in their bedroom, or car, or AP was a family member.

You need to figure this out the best that you can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Look, you're choosing to stay. If you get this upset about the idea of a champagne toast, you might want to rethink staying. I get you're hurt but it's abnormal to be so worked up over something like this and if you are, it might be a sign you need to leave the marriage once and for all. Why do this to yourself. You're going to give yourself an aneurysm over champagne.

+1.

For starters, this is actually a trigger that can be avoided. I can't remember the last time I did a champagne toast. However, I think that fixating on this is a way of avoiding thinking about other aspects of the affair. They had champagne together, but unless that was "their thing" there are probably a lot of other things that they did together as well. What is it about the champagne that bothers you so much?

[Anonymous]

You have to get over the whole idea of triggers and (most importantly) the power you're giving them. Anything can be a trigger. Spouse and AP probably communicated on the phone and computer. Are you going to avoid your phone and computer? No, that's ridiculous.

Giving a trigger any power is a passive aggressive excuse to be angry at the cheating spouse. Be angry because they cheated; that's enough of a reason. Keep your power and live your life with champagne or whatever else.