I don't necessarily want a divorce, but I do want a break. (Not related to the other thread.)
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
|
I'm the wife. We've been married 3 1/2 years and have been unable to have children. It's been really rough, as infertility journeys go. On top of that, my husband has a bad temper and has exploded (seldom at me but usually near me) enough that I'm now conditioned to walk on eggshells. And he's having some (somewhat but not entirely justified) problems with my family, with whom I am very close. I feel incredibly lonely and I am (at this point clinically) depressed. Everything has come to a head in the last few days. He feels terrible that his behavior has left me feeling uncomfortable in my own home and says he'll move out if that's what I want. We also have a vacation planed for next week and I'm not sure if I should cancel it. He's ambivalent - he's not sure we'll enjoy ourselves if we do go.
I don't necessarily want to end our marriage, but after all that's happened I feel like I can't breathe or see straight and I would like a month or two to be on my own. As I told him, I feel like I'm underwater, and everything is blurry and muffled, and I can't tell up from down. Maybe I do want to divorce but I'm afraid of being alone - I'm almost 41 and I'm afraid I'll never have another relationship. Maybe I do still love him enough and I'll realize that I don't want to live without him. Am I out of line? Am I being selfish or foolish? Please, someone who has been there, help me decide what to do for now. |
Anonymous
|
I have always wished there was "rehab" just for those (us) who have too much stress in their (our) lives. I have looked into retreats for this type of thing, they are expensive.
IDK the answer... I am sorry you are going through this. |
Anonymous
Yes. Life it too short. If you even have to ask... |
Anonymous
|
Either stay with him and go to couples counseling, or pull the plug now.
Your "take a break" idea is just a way to try and avoid making a hard decision. |
Anonymous
| I don't think you're being selfish or foolish. I grew up with parents that had explosive tempers and my god, it is exhausting! I really feel it now when I go home to visit - as I'm driving away from their place to come back home, I feel the weight of the exhaustion of dealing with their anger hit and I'm a puddle by the time I'm home. Combine that with fertility issues and I'm not surprised at all that you need a break. |
Anonymous
|
I don't think being afraid to be alone is a good justification for staying in a relationship. That is unfair to both of you.
Why don't one of you take the planned vacation, and the other stay home? That would give you some time apart to breathe. If you are recognizing that you are clinically depressed, you also need therapy before making any big decisions. You may feel like the clock is ticking, but there is no harm in taking your time with something like this. |
Anonymous
|
Take a break under the guidance of a couples counselor. Because you have a lot of challenges right now. Infertility sucks, and your body is IMPLORING you to get pregnant, I know and those stressors can push everybody over into their worst selves.
I like the PP's idea of one of you vacationing, the other staying home. Good luck. My sincerest sympathy. |
Anonymous
| OP here - to be honest, it's his temper that most makes me want to break away. It has eroded my emotional trust in him, and thus I'm not inclined to lean on him to heal from the infertility wounds. His explosions have done so much damage to my feelings, I'm not sure we can rebuild. |
Anonymous
Get out now! Don't have kids with this man! I wish I would have listened to this advice before having a baby. It only gets worse ! Do you want your children to grow up seeing his angry outbursts ? |
Anonymous
|
Is he willing to get into therapy for anger management? His angry explosions are destructive and emotionally abusive to you. They are not your issues to fix. They're his. Unless he owns this, acknowledges it's a problem, and wants to change it, and then starts working on it, there's nothing you can do.
A marriage is like a cart pulled by two horses, and if one horse keeps bucking and rampaging, that cart is not going anywhere good, no matter what the other horse does. Even with all the therapy and work, it's tough going. Mine's been in anger management and other therapy for a few years, and while he's doing better, he still has horrible blow ups. He thinks he's managing it, but he's really just learned how to put off the explosions longer. I can never let my guard down. Is this what you want? I wish I'd gotten out years ago. |
Anonymous
I don't think you are out of line, selfish or foolish. Living in a situation where you are walking on eggshells, it is very difficult to pull yourself together enough to heal your depression. Can you go on the vacation by yourself? If you want to separate for a few months, do it. I'm assuming you are seeing a therapist, but if not start now. Don't stay because you're afraid of being alone. Stay because you want to be married to this man (bad temper and all). |
Anonymous
|
I would pull the plug.
What's your diagnosis? (You don't have to answer, of course.) |
Anonymous
|
Disconnecting leads to divorce. If you're not happy with his progress on fixing himself, then move on. You don't have any kids.
Do not ever stay in a relationship because you're scared of being alone. He could die today from multiple things (especially if he drives on 95!) and then you're alone. I have more then one friend who is widowed in their 40's and 50's. Staying with someone is no guarantee that you won't be alone. Sounds like you are emotionally alone anyway. |
Anonymous
On the other hand, I know one person who was widowed in her 30s and that's it. Everybody else is perfectly stuck with their spouses and we are now well into our 40s and 50s. |
Anonymous
|
Spending some time apart from each other is not the same thing as "taking a break" from your marriage. I go on at least two trips a year without my wife, and she does the same without me. One of us stays home with our son to hold down the fort.
If you all have had a very rough patch, then spending some time apart to cool off, collect your thoughts and try to see if you still do want to try, then that's one thing. Of course nobody is "on break" from being married: you remain committed, you remain faithful, etc. If your husband is emotionally abusive - "hot temper" leading to walking on eggshells - you may find you suddenly feel 1000x better when you are away from him for a week or two. That may allow the fog to lift. You may find that you really do not want to try to make it work. Or you may find that with some space for both of you to decompress from the stress that the infertility battles have caused, you are both ready to pick back up again. Maybe he gets a wake up call that he needs to control his behavior (you say not AT you but NEAR you) - you allude to some issues with your family (are you enmeshed? are they up his ass and in his business inappropriately - lacking boundaries?). A cooling off period apart with little contact lets everyone reflect a bit and calm down, and you may find you do want to try to make things work. That's not what the poster in the first thread was asking for - he was just walking out on marriage and family. |