How is everyone holding it down with their spouses?

[Anonymous]

I feel like my relationship is floundering constantly. We fight every night almost and have spent the last 24 hours speaking only the bare minimum to one another like to prison inmates circling each other before a shanking.

I have cried no less than 8 times today. I don't know what is going on. He says I am micromanaging him, I say he is an asshole when he has less than 6 hours of sleep and takes everything I say automatically out of of context.

At the core, I feel done. I don't want to fight with him. But fuck him also. I am healing from giving birth, I'm sore, I'm tired, my body, time and mind have been taken over by feeding timebschdules. I want to scream and lose it on him but am just losing it.

Normal? Not for us. I'm at the end of my rope here. Tell me everyone else is fighting with their spouse. Tell me I'm not the only one. Tell me it is normal. I need to hear good news at the end of this planned pregnancy, this is what we wanted, you stayed up all night and played video games before the baby came so why are you sleepy now, asshole tunnel.

[Anonymous]

Normal, but that doesn't mean acceptable. Do you have any other help? Is there anyone who can help you get some sleep NOW? If you can work around him for a day or two just to right yourself that might be ideal. OTOH nothing wrong with losing it on him if he's not doing his part. I'm so sorry.

[Anonymous]

How old is the baby?

[Anonymous]

It sounds sort-of normal. What helped for us was to create a schedule of of times when I knew I'd have "me time."

For us, that's 7:15-8 a.m., when I can shower and have breakfast in peace (such a good way to start the day), 8-10 p.m. when DH handles any wake ups & feeding, and Saturday mornings.

It took us a month or so to figure this out. We weren't exactly fighting the first month, but we were both a little sensitive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds sort-of normal. What helped for us was to create a schedule of of times when I knew I'd have "me time."

For us, that's 7:15-8 a.m., when I can shower and have breakfast in peace (such a good way to start the day), 8-10 p.m. when DH handles any wake ups & feeding, and Saturday mornings.

It took us a month or so to figure this out. We weren't exactly fighting the first month, but we were both a little sensitive.

Oh, and I figured out that DS almost always takes a super long pm nap--like 1-3--and 90% of the time I'll sleep with him. It makes the nights so much more bearable.

[Anonymous]

Sleep deprivation is really really hard on people. You have hormones post birth that are keeping you in love with the baby and bonded (some women don't get that even). Your DH is in a orally different position. He has no hormones, no nursing just lack of sleep and for him the baby thing is totally new, you've been growing and on ding for 9 months. Not saying that it's easier for you. Of course not. You're in pain and early nursing is super hard. We both agreed to just be nice to each other for 2 months. Not say anything mean and what we could regret. DH took a bit to bond with the baby. You guys need to calmly hash out priorities: ie first month is just keeping baby alive and fed and changed. Nothing else matters. You guys need some sort of food and some clean clothes and that's it. Nothing else matters. If you're nursing then your DH does everything else!! Laundry, making food even if it's scrambled eggs every night. Overnights you split the night waking up and calming the baby and he brings her to you to feed and then you sleep again and he hangs out with the baby in another room.
To be honest we didn't fight but several couples told us they did so we made a point to be as nice as possible.

[Anonymous]

This wasn't my experience but I've heard it's very common to fight with your spouse during the newborn stage. It's a very difficult time, OP.

[Anonymous]

Common. Hubby & I are finally in a good space, but we were fighting a bit too.

How old is baby?

Once you both start getting more sleep it'll get better. As far as sex, I'm still getting back to it at 6 months. In the beginning it was like once a week or less, and we're slowly getting back to maybe twice a week. It is hard with a newborn.

Also, don't force it. You are right that you are healing physically and emotionally from childbirth. Take it slow.

[Anonymous]

Are you still in the first 6 weeks? If so, just try to buckle down and get through. Communicate clearly with him, and do your best to watch your tone. If you need help, ASK FOR IT. Be clear. Do not hint at it or ask in a round about way. "I need you to do X, thank you".

Make sure you are looking at for yourself some. Do not feel guilty taking some extra time to sleep or eat or whatever. Drop anything "extra" that is draining energy. 100% of your energy goes into your family right now, you, your DH and your baby. There will be time for other things later.

I visited a friend once who was about 3 weeks post partum. She was livid at her DH. She was looking up divorce attorneys. She had her mother convinced her DH was the worst person on the planet and that she'd made a huge mistake. 6 months later when I brought up how upset she had been SHE HAD NO MEMORY OF IT. None. She knew they'd had a rough time, but didn't remember telling me she wanted to get divorced.

So yes, please hang in there. No major life decisions should be made in the first 6 weeks.

[Anonymous]

I have a one month old and had an epic fight with DH at 1am over dishes and cleaning up the kitchen. I had been nursing since we put our 2.5 yo down at 8:30 and then had to pump. I just don't get why he can't clean up the kitchen before a reasonable hour when he has nothing else to do. I had a difficult pregnancy, gave birth and now am in breastfeeding hell (DC isn't transferring well so I'm pumping and feeding the pumped milk but we are so close to being over that hump). Seriously all I ask for in return is a clean kitchen for a couple of hours a day. That's it!

So... That vent aside. We are dealing with this. We are short with each other but then sort of get over it the next day and are good to each other and then the bedtime clean up routine rolls around again and we fight about it. We went through it with our first. I was a bit worried about our marriage. We got over it just fine and were closer than ever. I really try hard not to score keep and not to nag but that can be hard with a laid back DH who would not notice that the house is a complete mess or that our toddler has no milk if I didn't point it out.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, OP. This wasn't my experience but I know it is a lot for many. I think my husband and I didn't have to deal with this because we went to couples therapy for years before we had our son and still continue after. It has made us be great communicators with each other and have given us a safe place to talk every other week. Best thing we ever did. We also split everything 50/50 which very much helps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like my relationship is floundering constantly. We fight every night almost and have spent the last 24 hours speaking only the bare minimum to one another like to prison inmates circling each other before a shanking.

I have cried no less than 8 times today. I don't know what is going on. He says I am micromanaging him, I say he is an asshole when he has less than 6 hours of sleep and takes everything I say automatically out of of context.

At the core, I feel done. I don't want to fight with him. But fuck him also. I am healing from giving birth, I'm sore, I'm tired, my body, time and mind have been taken over by feeding timebschdules. I want to scream and lose it on him but am just losing it.

Normal? Not for us. I'm at the end of my rope here. Tell me everyone else is fighting with their spouse. Tell me I'm not the only one. Tell me it is normal. I need to hear good news at the end of this planned pregnancy, this is what we wanted, you stayed up all night and played video games before the baby came so why are you sleepy now, asshole tunnel.

I had to laugh at this because I remember telling my DH "you think nothing of staying out and drinking until 2 A.M., and now you're suddenly 'exhausted?'" (never mind that I too was usually partying right there with him, pre-baby. How quickly we forget).

I remember bawling and saying "our lives were perfect and we ruined them."

It's easier to get up early and stay up late for something pleasant and fun -- not so much to deal with a crying kid, a crying kid you're still trying to know and understand.

What's happening to you both is normal, and it will get better. If nothing else, be kind. Sometimes I wanted to say something nasty and I just bit my tongue. Am I saying something because it will truly change a behavior, or am I saying it just because it makes me feel superior and "right?"

If you don't feel like you're on the track to normalcy soon, talk to your PCP or OB about a short-term solution, like an anti-anxiety med or SSRI. You could be suffering from PPD. I did and when I finally got help I could see the light, and learn how to work with my DH, rather than against him.

Get a night nurse a couple nights a week if you can afford it. I had a great experience with Let Mommy Sleep.

Use Instacart to get groceries. Don't order stuff that's a pain to make. Pasta with sauce from a jar. Brown some ground turkey or beef for tacos. WF has plenty of not-scary frozen foods, so you can just turn on the oven and not think for a second.

Hire a cleaning service. If you can't afford bi-weekly, just have them come in once and do a deep clean. Something about it is therapeutic.

Ask a friend for help. You'd be surprised how often "let me know if I can do anything for you" is NOT just a shallow expression. I know when I say it, I mean it.

I'm rambling, but it's because I was you 18 months ago. Trust me, you and your DH got this. Before you know it, you guys will be able to enjoy that baby you planned for and wanted so badly! I swear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like my relationship is floundering constantly. We fight every night almost and have spent the last 24 hours speaking only the bare minimum to one another like to prison inmates circling each other before a shanking.

I have cried no less than 8 times today. I don't know what is going on. He says I am micromanaging him, I say he is an asshole when he has less than 6 hours of sleep and takes everything I say automatically out of of context.

At the core, I feel done. I don't want to fight with him. But fuck him also. I am healing from giving birth, I'm sore, I'm tired, my body, time and mind have been taken over by feeding timebschdules. I want to scream and lose it on him but am just losing it.

Normal? Not for us. I'm at the end of my rope here. Tell me everyone else is fighting with their spouse. Tell me I'm not the only one. Tell me it is normal. I need to hear good news at the end of this planned pregnancy, this is what we wanted, you stayed up all night and played video games before the baby came so why are you sleepy now, asshole tunnel.

I had to laugh at this because I remember telling my DH "you think nothing of staying out and drinking until 2 A.M., and now you're suddenly 'exhausted?'" (never mind that I too was usually partying right there with him, pre-baby. How quickly we forget).

I remember bawling and saying "our lives were perfect and we ruined them."

It's easier to get up early and stay up late for something pleasant and fun -- not so much to deal with a crying kid, a crying kid you're still trying to know and understand.

What's happening to you both is normal, and it will get better. If nothing else, be kind. Sometimes I wanted to say something nasty and I just bit my tongue. Am I saying something because it will truly change a behavior, or am I saying it just because it makes me feel superior and "right?"

If you don't feel like you're on the track to normalcy soon, talk to your PCP or OB about a short-term solution, like an anti-anxiety med or SSRI. You could be suffering from PPD. I did and when I finally got help I could see the light, and learn how to work with my DH, rather than against him.

Get a night nurse a couple nights a week if you can afford it. I had a great experience with Let Mommy Sleep.

Use Instacart to get groceries. Don't order stuff that's a pain to make. Pasta with sauce from a jar. Brown some ground turkey or beef for tacos. WF has plenty of not-scary frozen foods, so you can just turn on the oven and not think for a second.

Hire a cleaning service. If you can't afford bi-weekly, just have them come in once and do a deep clean. Something about it is therapeutic.

Ask a friend for help. You'd be surprised how often "let me know if I can do anything for you" is NOT just a shallow expression. I know when I say it, I mean it.

I'm rambling, but it's because I was you 18 months ago. Trust me, you and your DH got this. Before you know it, you guys will be able to enjoy that baby you planned for and wanted so badly! I swear.

+1 PP is spot on. DH and I struggled during the early days too. It will get better.

[Anonymous]

If you're past the first couple weeks and crying that much in a day and feel like you're going to lose it, that really sounds like you might be dealing with PPD. Call your OB and tell them how you are feeling. They will help--and then ask DH to do everything you can to be sure you get some sleep. That will help whether it's PPD or not.

[Anonymous]

First few months are hard. It is totally worth it but dammit its hard. Our first was amazing ... great eater, great sleeper, amazing little person but we still had our moments. Now expecting number 2 in a few months and totally freaked out all over again about how hard the first few months are going to be.

Just remember to be kind to each other and realize you are doing the best you can with a screaming loaf of bread (aka your child) stuck to you at all times. I am super lucky that DH is a neat freak and is willing to come home and cook and clean while I sit around and literally have a baby stuck to my boob all night. After a few months you get into a routine and then you will forget (black out) the horrible first months

Good luck!