Anorexic boyfriend?

[Anonymous]

I've been dating a guy for 2 and a half years now. We're very close, especially on account of some tragedies we went through in the beginning stages. I often jokingly say I feel like I've been married to him for 6 years because of our involvement.

My younger sister (16 years old) developed anorexia over the past year, and my SAHM has done everything in her power to fight it. My sister has had previous diagnoses of ADD, ADHD, and severe OCD, as in do meaningless rituals over and over again until they're "right" (although since getting a prescription for that, she has become much, much better besides controlling her food intake).

Based on my relationship closeness with my family, I've seen and been a part of the anorexia battle the entire time. My mom has done extensive research on how to best treat and/or discourage my sister from skipping food. It's been fairly successful, she still fights us on a meal about once every day or two, but she's getting better little by little.

With that being said, I'm starting to worry that my 28-year-old boyfriend is starting to develop symptoms, or at the very least some kind of body dysmorphia. He's 6 foot 4 inches and when I met him, weighed about 219 pounds. Being so tall, that weight was very even and proportionate on his body. He has the classic shoulders-broader-than-his-waist shape, and he's very athletic. At one point, he even had a goal to make it to 225 pounds by beefing up on food and working it out into muscle.

Nowadays, he's changed. He thinks out loud about his size, or outright complains to me that he's fat. Sometimes he'll look in a mirror and pull his shirt up and just look at himself sadly. Mind you, he is the smallest he's ever been since I've known him, about 205 pounds now. Since I know the advised way to deal with anorexic people thanks to my sister, I try not to say yes you are or no you're not. (Saying yes obviously validates their fat feelings, but even saying no you're not often gives them a resilience to continue, because then it's working and they must be losing weight.) I often quip, "Even if you think you're fat, is that really the worst quality you could have?"

I've suspected in the past that he could have depression, but he's tearfully admitted to me that the notion alone scares him. So it wouldn't be too far off to assume that, if he thought he might have anorexic tendencies, he would feel too emasculated by admitting it anyone, therefore he'd rather ignore it instead.

On the other hand, I have spent the vast majority of our days together with him physically (due to living situations) and we'd almost always eat lunch and/or dinner together. He's never obviously refused food or hidden it, and he'll still eat hamburgers and pizza and all that. He eats more than I do (I'm 5 foot even) and I know he doesn't purge around me.

My issue is...am I looking too much into this? Am I too afraid of what happened to my sister to tell him NO YOU ARE NOT FAT, and therefore might he be taking my silence as affirmation that he IS overweight? I am very affectionate with him and I do tell him often that I think he's very hot/attractive, et cetera. Does anyone have any advice?

[Anonymous]

Does he have health insurance? Can you go with him to see his primary care doctor and share these concerns? I think seeing a medical specialist will be beneficial in this situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does he have health insurance? Can you go with him to see his primary care doctor and share these concerns? I think seeing a medical specialist will be beneficial in this situation.

OP here. The last time we discussed insurance, he did have CareFirst BlueShield or whatever that popular Maryland one is called. I'm not very intrusive in his financial affairs, so for all I know he could've canceled his plan and elected to take the tax penalty instead. He is pretty strapped for cash from paycheck to paycheck, so even with a copay, he'd more likely than not need someone to help him pay for it. My fear is that he'll adamantly deny anything is wrong if I outright ask him, and that could shut down future discussions about it.

Another note I forgot to mention: Because of the aforementioned tragedies we went through together, I did enroll us in couples therapy for a summer in 2014. It wasn't couples therapy in the vein of fixing a relationship, but more of a way for us to flesh out our emotions about the events we were going through. He never brought up any concerns for depression or weight back then, but then again, as I mentioned above it seems like a newer development.

[Anonymous]

This is going to sound harsh, but I think you should break up, and you should both go to counseling.

It sounds like you have some pretty bad anxiety issues, and he sounds depressed, and maybe anorexic. You're probably trying to "fix" him (going to counseling after six months of dating in your 20s??).

This is a recipe for disaster and misery.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is going to sound harsh, but I think you should break up, and you should both go to counseling.

It sounds like you have some pretty bad anxiety issues, and he sounds depressed, and maybe anorexic. You're probably trying to "fix" him (going to counseling after six months of dating in your 20s??).

This is a recipe for disaster and misery.

OP here - I wasn't going to get into it, but we lost a baby. That's why we went to counseling. As I said before, it had nothing to do with trying to save a relationship. I'm assuming you think I have pretty bad anxiety issues because I'm concerned to see my S/O potentially go down a path that almost killed my little sister?

[Anonymous]

If he's over 200 pounds he's not anorexic.

[Anonymous]

If his BMI is in the healthy range, you shouldn't worry too much, OP.

I am on the edge of the healthy range, and sometimes dip into underweight, but that's my normal weight, and where I feel good at. Perhaps your boyfriend is the same way.

Why doesn't he like his shape? Is it thin yet not muscled? In that case, he should exercise to gain muscle and eat more protein.

I think PP is right that you sound anxious and he sounds depressive. Not a good combination, when you think that your future biological children might inherit those traits, which are highly inheritable.

So think long and hard about this. You want a mate that's healthy in mind and body.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he's over 200 pounds he's not anorexic.

+1 my DH is 6 foot 4. I think he once calculated that he should ideally be 199lbs which he isn't.
That is supposed to be normal weight for his height. My DH is overweight and even at 225lbs he was not thin.
Your boyfriend might have an eating disorder but I doubt he is anorexic. He might profit from going to Overeaters anonymous.
It serves all eating disorders not just overeating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he's over 200 pounds he's not anorexic.

+1 my DH is 6 foot 4. I think he once calculated that he should ideally be 199lbs which he isn't.
That is supposed to be normal weight for his height. My DH is overweight and even at 225lbs he was not thin.
Your boyfriend might have an eating disorder but I doubt he is anorexic. He might profit from going to Overeaters anonymous.
It serves all eating disorders not just overeating.

OP here. Thanks for the resource, I can bring it up in conversation about my sister and if he wants to check it out, he can do so without feeling ashamed that I "made him" or whatever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
If his BMI is in the healthy range, you shouldn't worry too much, OP.

I am on the edge of the healthy range, and sometimes dip into underweight, but that's my normal weight, and where I feel good at. Perhaps your boyfriend is the same way.

Why doesn't he like his shape? Is it thin yet not muscled? In that case, he should exercise to gain muscle and eat more protein.

I think PP is right that you sound anxious and he sounds depressive. Not a good combination, when you think that your future biological children might inherit those traits, which are highly inheritable.

So think long and hard about this. You want a mate that's healthy in mind and body.

OP here. He doesn't like his shape because he thinks his stomach sticks out. It doesn't, to everyone else it seems like a normal, average body size. Once he even almost deleted an Instagram post because, according to him, "oh no! I didn't use the shot that makes my calves look skinny."

Also, a bit OT but to you and the PP suggesting I have anxiety...I'm not trying to argue that or deny that I could possibly have something going on, but I am genuinely confused as to where in my post it seems as though rational concern turns instead into really bad anxiety. I assumed that most people would be worried if a loved one had an eating disorder, especially when they have a family member with one. What seems particularly over the top in my case? (Genuine question, not snark)

[Anonymous]

Uh, he's lost 14 lbs since you've known him - hardly drastic- and weighs over 200 lbs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
If his BMI is in the healthy range, you shouldn't worry too much, OP.

I am on the edge of the healthy range, and sometimes dip into underweight, but that's my normal weight, and where I feel good at. Perhaps your boyfriend is the same way.

Why doesn't he like his shape? Is it thin yet not muscled? In that case, he should exercise to gain muscle and eat more protein.

I think PP is right that you sound anxious and he sounds depressive. Not a good combination, when you think that your future biological children might inherit those traits, which are highly inheritable.

So think long and hard about this. You want a mate that's healthy in mind and body.

OP here. He doesn't like his shape because he thinks his stomach sticks out. It doesn't, to everyone else it seems like a normal, average body size. Once he even almost deleted an Instagram post because, according to him, "oh no! I didn't use the shot that makes my calves look skinny."

Also, a bit OT but to you and the PP suggesting I have anxiety...I'm not trying to argue that or deny that I could possibly have something going on, but I am genuinely confused as to where in my post it seems as though rational concern turns instead into really bad anxiety. I assumed that most people would be worried if a loved one had an eating disorder, especially when they have a family member with one. What seems particularly over the top in my case? (Genuine question, not snark)

Sorry if I seemed overly harsh - that was not my intention. What stands out from your post is that you are worried and concerned about your boyfriend's state of mind, when the hard numbers and evidence don't reveal any red flags. OK, he thinks about his looks a lot - that's a bit narcissistic and shallow, but needn't be an actual disorder.

You are primed for anorexia because of your family history, when the problem could be elsewhere, if there is one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Uh, he's lost 14 lbs since you've known him - hardly drastic- and weighs over 200 lbs.

I'm not worried about his weight level at all. The red flags I'm picking up on are that despite the fact that he's lost those 14 pounds, he's starting to consistently verbalize how fat he is now. Anorexia isn't the condition of being 85 pounds, it's the mindset that leads to an unhealthy situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
If his BMI is in the healthy range, you shouldn't worry too much, OP.

I am on the edge of the healthy range, and sometimes dip into underweight, but that's my normal weight, and where I feel good at. Perhaps your boyfriend is the same way.

Why doesn't he like his shape? Is it thin yet not muscled? In that case, he should exercise to gain muscle and eat more protein.

I think PP is right that you sound anxious and he sounds depressive. Not a good combination, when you think that your future biological children might inherit those traits, which are highly inheritable.

So think long and hard about this. You want a mate that's healthy in mind and body.

OP here. He doesn't like his shape because he thinks his stomach sticks out. It doesn't, to everyone else it seems like a normal, average body size. Once he even almost deleted an Instagram post because, according to him, "oh no! I didn't use the shot that makes my calves look skinny."

Also, a bit OT but to you and the PP suggesting I have anxiety...I'm not trying to argue that or deny that I could possibly have something going on, but I am genuinely confused as to where in my post it seems as though rational concern turns instead into really bad anxiety. I assumed that most people would be worried if a loved one had an eating disorder, especially when they have a family member with one. What seems particularly over the top in my case? (Genuine question, not snark)

Sorry if I seemed overly harsh - that was not my intention. What stands out from your post is that you are worried and concerned about your boyfriend's state of mind, when the hard numbers and evidence don't reveal any red flags. OK, he thinks about his looks a lot - that's a bit narcissistic and shallow, but needn't be an actual disorder.

You are primed for anorexia because of your family history, when the problem could be elsewhere, if there is one.

OP again. Jumping to an anorexic conclusion because of my sister is exactly what I was asking about, thank you. If he's not, that's great. If there's something else going on, he and I or just he will figure out how to work through it. I just didn't know if I was jumping the gun with him because this is exactly how my sister started.

[Anonymous]

There are no red flags for an eating disorder here. Depression? Yes. He's very likely depressed and he is placing that depressive energy on his looks. It's fairly common. Help him find a therapist and I'd suggest one for you too. Sometimes when the strength of a relationship is built on tragedy, it isn't the healthiest or best relationship. Sounds like you could use someone to talk to about what's been going on in your life.