Anorexic boyfriend?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Uh, he's lost 14 lbs since you've known him - hardly drastic- and weighs over 200 lbs.

I'm not worried about his weight level at all. The red flags I'm picking up on are that despite the fact that he's lost those 14 pounds, he's starting to consistently verbalize how fat he is now. Anorexia isn't the condition of being 85 pounds, it's the mindset that leads to an unhealthy situation.

My mother had a very severe eating disorder her and that is not what this sounds like to me. YMMV.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are no red flags for an eating disorder here. Depression? Yes. He's very likely depressed and he is placing that depressive energy on his looks. It's fairly common. Help him find a therapist and I'd suggest one for you too. Sometimes when the strength of a relationship is built on tragedy, it isn't the healthiest or best relationship. Sounds like you could use someone to talk to about what's been going on in your life.

OP here. Thank you for the advice. As for the tragedy aspect, from my end we've mellowed out to what seems like a normal relationship. But you may be right, there may be something beneath the surface.

[Anonymous]

Mirroring happens. It's when couples or friends spend time together and pick up each others quirks. It could be a bad habit, like smoking or drinking too much. It could be shared language or verbal quirks ("ummmm..."). Fashion or things like that could also be exchanged. In your case, I wonder how much you reference your body or weight. How much is this mentioned? He could have absorbed the cues in your family and this is what you are responding to now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Mirroring happens. It's when couples or friends spend time together and pick up each others quirks. It could be a bad habit, like smoking or drinking too much. It could be shared language or verbal quirks ("ummmm..."). Fashion or things like that could also be exchanged. In your case, I wonder how much you reference your body or weight. How much is this mentioned? He could have absorbed the cues in your family and this is what you are responding to now.

OP here - this is very true. We've definitely picked up on each others' phrases, likes, dislikes, et cetera. As for my body, I've always been very happy with it. I was 125 after puberty for ages, which was a bit chunky on me, and it never bothered me. In college I went up to 135 and you could see it on my face (I didn't notice it at the time though, because I was still fine with myself). I dropped down to about 112-115 nowadays and I still feel fine with myself. I never complain about being fat or wanting a slimmer waist, but I also don't pump it up like "oh yeah, I'm so hot, I lost 20 pounds, go me" ever. The weight loss was also slow and natural - I never set out to lose it or worked out more than usual. This is great for keeping self-esteem, but unfortunately I also can't empathize with people who hate themselves for being "fat" because I've never had those emotions myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
If his BMI is in the healthy range, you shouldn't worry too much, OP.

I am on the edge of the healthy range, and sometimes dip into underweight, but that's my normal weight, and where I feel good at. Perhaps your boyfriend is the same way.

Why doesn't he like his shape? Is it thin yet not muscled? In that case, he should exercise to gain muscle and eat more protein.

I think PP is right that you sound anxious and he sounds depressive. Not a good combination, when you think that your future biological children might inherit those traits, which are highly inheritable.

So think long and hard about this. You want a mate that's healthy in mind and body.

OP here. He doesn't like his shape because he thinks his stomach sticks out. It doesn't, to everyone else it seems like a normal, average body size. Once he even almost deleted an Instagram post because, according to him, "oh no! I didn't use the shot that makes my calves look skinny."

Also, a bit OT but to you and the PP suggesting I have anxiety...I'm not trying to argue that or deny that I could possibly have something going on, but I am genuinely confused as to where in my post it seems as though rational concern turns instead into really bad anxiety. I assumed that most people would be worried if a loved one had an eating disorder, especially when they have a family member with one. What seems particularly over the top in my case? (Genuine question, not snark)

Frankly, you just seem a little off to me. Anxious, and almost a little histrionic. Also, a sibling has a mental illness, and mental illness runs in families.

I don't think either you or your boyfriend are mentally healthy, and I don't believe unhealthy people are capable of healthy relationships.

[Anonymous]

OP, I don't think you sound mentally unstable. I've been through an eating disorder before and know how it can impact family members -- you're probably more attune to seeing it in others than those who haven't experienced it themselves. Whether your boyfriend has anorexia or an unhealthy body image, it's not comforting to be around. I agree that it may stem from some depression (losing a baby is difficult..also, perhaps the knowledge that he could've been a father panicked him and made him reevaluate his image. My DH realized how he was aging when we had ours). I would bring up your concerns and address them as a couple. I dated a man who was anorexic in college and it was toxic to be around (more so because of my past eating habits). It doesn't matter what sex you are, constantly assuring your significant other about their weight is draining on a relationship. Good for you for noticing warning signs and addressing them before it takes a toll on you two!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I don't think you sound mentally unstable. I've been through an eating disorder before and know how it can impact family members -- you're probably more attune to seeing it in others than those who haven't experienced it themselves. Whether your boyfriend has anorexia or an unhealthy body image, it's not comforting to be around. I agree that it may stem from some depression (losing a baby is difficult..also, perhaps the knowledge that he could've been a father panicked him and made him reevaluate his image. My DH realized how he was aging when we had ours). I would bring up your concerns and address them as a couple. I dated a man who was anorexic in college and it was toxic to be around (more so because of my past eating habits). It doesn't matter what sex you are, constantly assuring your significant other about their weight is draining on a relationship. Good for you for noticing warning signs and addressing them before it takes a toll on you two!

OP here - Thank you for the encouraging words. I've seen people express varieties of concerns over things on DCUM and never saw commentors call them mentally ill or overly anxious for asking about them, so that was kind of surprising to see. You may be right, he could be having a third-life crisis (haha) over the baby, financial woes, et cetera. It does seem, like PPs have mentioned, that it could be a symptom of those emotions and not a problem in itself. I certainly hope so, and I hope it won't manifest itself into something more serious. Congratulations on working through your eating disorder - that takes a ton of effort and I commend you for that.