Long ago ex has cancer
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Anonymous
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In my 20s, I dated someone for nearly 7 years. By the end of the relationship things were bad: he was emotionally out of control and had hit me twice.
We have been out of touch for more than a decade now. I am happily married with 2 kids. He got married a couple years ago, no kids. A mutual friend reached out to let me know he has cancer and needs support. I found the ex's blog -- he remains a negative person and even before the diagnosis was full of self-pity. I hope for the sake of people who are still close to him that he makes a recovery, but I also sincerely do not want this person anywhere near my life. Our mutual friend says my attitude is "shockingly terrible" because the ex may not survive. Am I a bad person for wanting to leave the past in the past, or do I suck it up and reach out to offer my condolences/support? (I actually do not know for sure that the ex has any interest in hearing from me. He attacked me on his blog many years ago -- not by name, but many of our friends from college knew that he was referring to me.) |
Anonymous
| The appropriate response to the person who told you the news is, "Wow, I'm so sorry to hear that." That's all. You haven't seen this person in a decade, so there's no reason why you should reach out now. |
Anonymous
| I'd just ignore that situation. If he wants to hear from you, he can reach out to you. Mean and nasty people die too. It doesn't mean we have to let them continue being mean and nasty to us because we're sorry for their situation. |
Anonymous
| I get hit by you, I don't have to care if you get cancer. That's my rule. |
Anonymous
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Getting cancer isn't a "get out of jail free" card. There is no reason to reach out to this person, OP. Don't let mutual friend make you feel guilty. Hitting is a dealbreaker and you know you don't want this person in your life again. So what on earth does mutual acquaintance think would come of reaching out?
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Anonymous
| WTH is wrong with your friend? They are so out of line. I would not get back in touch. |
Anonymous
| I had cancer for 2 years and didn't have any desire for my ex to come out of the wood work. |
Anonymous
| If someone is an asshole, they're an asshole. Just because they get cancer or die doesn't make them a good person. Move on and don't worry about it. |
Anonymous
| I hope you're not friends with the person who told you the news. |
Anonymous
+1 |
Anonymous
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Only you know the answer to this. If it would feel right to send a card with a short note letting him know that you remember him and maybe catch him up on what you've been doing, wish him and his family well...sure send it. But realize that may open the door to phone calls, emails, maybe requests for assistance, guilt treatments etc.
I would not bring up the hitting. Now is not the time to do that. But a short note letting him know that someone from his past remembers him and wishes him well....yeah, I think that's fine as long as YOU think that is a safe thing to do. |
Anonymous
| I was in an abusive relationship , (which is what "hit me twice" is), and I was not sorry in the slightest when he died in a small private plane crash years later. |
Anonymous
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Obviously, if you ended on extremely bad terms and he was abusive there probably isn't anything left to say to him.
You are not obligated to contact him even if this other person thinks that you should. Don't feel guilty not contacting him. |
Anonymous
| Eh, even if he wasn't abusive, you were done, you owe him nothing. |
Anonymous
| "Ex", by the thread title I thought you meant husband. No Op, for a BF considering the history, let it be. |