Do I have to suck it up?

[Anonymous]

Background: I manage our finances and money is tight (but we're not poor). We have only budgeted for one trip per year.

My brother got married in California this summer (not a destination wedding--he and his wife live there). We knew about it well in advance and I was able to shop for cheap flights, hotel deals, etc. We ate some nice meals, spent time with my family and did some touristy things.

Now that DH, I and the kids are back, MIL has decided (and DH agrees) that we all need to go visit DH's grandmother in Florida next month. I'm pissed, because 1) the short notice means I'll end up paying more for the flight & hotel, 2) some of DH's family are literally crazy (willfully untreated mental illness), 3) I wouldn't have spent so much money in California if I knew we would be taking another trip, and 4) I have to reschedule a couple of hard-to-get medical appointments

But we just spent a bunch of time and money to be with my family, so I have to suck it up and go along, right? It's not like we can't pay our mortgage if we do this trip.

[Anonymous]

No, you and your H have to discuss and come to an agreement. Leave MIL the hell out of it, though it sounds like your H is still attached by the umbilical cord.

Visiting family isn't tit for tat. You planned and budgeted for a (hopefully) once in a lifetime event for your brother. You did not plan to make a routine trip to FL for no other reason than to visit family.

I'd say the compromise should be you plan the trip for spring break. That gives you 6 months to budget for it and not have already scheduled things on the calendar.

[Anonymous]

Can DH go alone? Cheaper and easier. Maybe he can share a hotel with MIL. I don't travel by command.

[Anonymous]

Say no to this trip, but start planning the next one: "We can't go next month, but how about in the early spring?" Don't say just no, say not now, but here's a concrete plan for soon.

[Anonymous]

Is she dying or close to dying?
if thats the reason for MIl suggesting it then I think you need to go.
If MIL just thinks you should go visit because she wants you to then I say no you dont need to go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is she dying or close to dying?
if thats the reason for MIl suggesting it then I think you need to go.
If MIL just thinks you should go visit because she wants you to then I say no you dont need to go.

This totally.

[Anonymous]

I would not stop DH from going on his own but I would not go myself if I didn't want to. If you and DH want to plan a trip together then do so on your time and within your budget.

[Anonymous]

Take a long weekend in October or something instead. MIL doesn't get to dictate that you take a trip to Florida on such short notice.

Or your husband can go with his mom and not drag the whole family along.

[Anonymous]

OP, do we share a MIL? This is exactly something mine would do. Though through slow slow conditioning over YEARS my DH has gotten better at spotting when she is being tit for tat. She will sometimes ONLY plan things because she heard we did something with my family and feels the need to "get her share".

Why does your DH think this trip *needs* to happen? Did he know before the Cali trip that that trip was the one vacation for the year?

I sometimes find giving in to these things easier than fighting them, even if it's annoying. However, I'd make it clear there wouldn't be any more traveling, say for the holidays, that wasn't already in the budget. Or if you normally travel to FL for Tday, this trip means you won't do that.

[Anonymous]

Barring urgent health or other issues on the part of grandma, I'd say no.

Also, Florida in August? Hell no.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Grandma is 90. She's not dying, but the argument of "this could be the last time..." has come up, and is one I can't win. DH does know about the budget, and the trip was MIL's idea. She got DH's siblings on board first so now it's "all of the grandchildren are going to Florida".
I think what will make me feel better is figuring out some ways to fund this trip that don't involve cutting fun stuff for me and the kids. The trip won't be so bad. I actually like grandma (it's some of the other family members that I can't stand).

[Anonymous]

I would do it. Sounds like it would pack a lot of value into one trip., if all the cousins etc are going.

However, I think you can ask DH to sacrifice some discretionary spending items and also talk with him about a more realistic travel budget if his mother is going to be this way going forward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Background: I manage our finances and money is tight (but we're not poor). We have only budgeted for one trip per year.

My brother got married in California this summer (not a destination wedding--he and his wife live there). We knew about it well in advance and I was able to shop for cheap flights, hotel deals, etc. We ate some nice meals, spent time with my family and did some touristy things.

Now that DH, I and the kids are back, MIL has decided (and DH agrees) that we all need to go visit DH's grandmother in Florida next month. I'm pissed, because 1) the short notice means I'll end up paying more for the flight & hotel, 2) some of DH's family are literally crazy (willfully untreated mental illness), 3) I wouldn't have spent so much money in California if I knew we would be taking another trip, and 4) I have to reschedule a couple of hard-to-get medical appointments

But we just spent a bunch of time and money to be with my family, so I have to suck it up and go along, right? It's not like we can't pay our mortgage if we do this trip.

I'd start with the budget. Remind him that you budgeted carefully to be able to attend the wedding, including a lot of advance work researching fares to get good deals. Show him the estimates for a trip next month to Florida. Suggest that it doesn't really have to be next month; with more advance notice, it would be possible to shop for cheap flights and hotels in Florida.

And frankly, if I or my kids had necessary medical appointments that could not be easily rescheduled, I would not to go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is she dying or close to dying?
if thats the reason for MIl suggesting it then I think you need to go.
If MIL just thinks you should go visit because she wants you to then I say no you dont need to go.

Please let DH go alone. Let's get real, if you are in your 30s your DH grandmother is very old and had no interest in small kids or their GRANDkids spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Grandma is 90. She's not dying, but the argument of "this could be the last time..." has come up, and is one I can't win. DH does know about the budget, and the trip was MIL's idea. She got DH's siblings on board first so now it's "all of the grandchildren are going to Florida".
I think what will make me feel better is figuring out some ways to fund this trip that don't involve cutting fun stuff for me and the kids. The trip won't be so bad. I actually like grandma (it's some of the other family members that I can't stand).

+1

Invite your husband to help you with this. "We need to figure out a way to fund this trip. What expenses are you willing to cut to afford it?" If the answer is "none," then you can justifiably tell him that if he isn't willing to give anything up to visit his own family, it's not fair to ask you and the kids to.