Taking back my life

[Anonymous]

DW and I have been in an awful place. Roommates, sexless, then her affair. Now working back from the brink. At my lowest point I had no confidence or self-esteem, utterly destroyed by the affair. The past two months I have decided that I need to,as the song says, "live my life." I am focusing on all the things I used to do before I slid into this deep depression. I am going to graduate school. I took up competitive racquetball again. I am challenging myself mentally and physically. I am getting happy again. DW can get on board or not, but I will no longer let her awful thing define me any more. Carpe Diem! I do still love my wife and am working to forgive her. Sec is resuming though awkward. But if she still doesn't like the new me, I will be back on the market as a healthy, driven,confident, athletic person.

[Anonymous]

Good for you.

[Anonymous]

Why do you only do those things to "get on the market" shouldn't you do all those things anyway?

[Anonymous]

My point is I will be a healthy, confident, athletic person, all of which had slipped over the past couple of years. Of course I should be that way regardless, and I have no desire to be back on the market. I have a desire to be all those things for my wife and family, but if that's not enough for her, well, I will move on. At my lowest point after her affair I did not feel strong or empowered at all, which I am guessing many betrayed spouses can relate to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My point is I will be a healthy, confident, athletic person, all of which had slipped over the past couple of years. Of course I should be that way regardless, and I have no desire to be back on the market. I have a desire to be all those things for my wife and family, but if that's not enough for her, well, I will move on. At my lowest point after her affair I did not feel strong or empowered at all, which I am guessing many betrayed spouses can relate to.

I'm sure it was your wife's fault too

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My point is I will be a healthy, confident, athletic person, all of which had slipped over the past couple of years. Of course I should be that way regardless, and I have no desire to be back on the market. I have a desire to be all those things for my wife and family, but if that's not enough for her, well, I will move on. At my lowest point after her affair I did not feel strong or empowered at all, which I am guessing many betrayed spouses can relate to.

I agree... but, your wife's affair will probably have nothing to do with you being "enough" for her.

She had an affair because she is missing something inside her. If you spend your whole life trying to fill a void in somebody else's life it will be a life wasted.

Your wife needs to figure out why she feels empty and fill that emptiness on her own. Then she may be somebody worth, being strong for.

I am sorry the affair brought you down, but it did not tell you "you are not good enough" it just told you "you married somebody other than you thought you married".

[Anonymous]

I totally get it.
My DH and I don't have major problems whatsoever, but I often feel we'd both technically be better, fitter. Maybe a little happier if we had to try a little harder, or had the space to do so. Like we hold each other back. I think it's just temporary because our kids are young. Personal, alone time gets trumped by "finally! We can talk together!!" And we don't get around to individual personal development and goals.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I totally get it.
My DH and I don't have major problems whatsoever, but I often feel we'd both technically be better, fitter. Maybe a little happier if we had to try a little harder, or had the space to do so. Like we hold each other back. I think it's just temporary because our kids are young. Personal, alone time gets trumped by "finally! We can talk together!!" And we don't get around to individual personal development and goals.

Also, sometimes we each separately get motivated to start something new. A in I'll think 'I WILL go to this class, or exercise, or go shop for my hobby." And I get motivated. And separately the next week he'll do the same. But for both of us it's short lived. He doesn't try to hold me back but if his mood, or if my mood, is lazy/cuddly/even dysfunctional (binge tv), we can really affect each other negatively.

[Anonymous]

OP, if there are no kids, I would separate. When a woman has an affair the relationship is usually over vs. a guy who just wants sex. Plus, she now has the power in your marriage, which is a toxic mix. Seriously, get ripped at the gym and talk to the ladies in grad school and you will be fine.

[Anonymous]

There are kids and they are a big factor in all of this. I do not want a broken home for them. I know many women's affairs are fatal to a marriage because usually the woman falls in love vs just wanting sex. So we are not out of the woods by far but both acknowledge we are in a better place than six months ago. I am taking it in 6-month increments and we will see. As for her holding all the power... She does not want our family breaking up either. Scares the crap out of her. She knows she effed up royally so she knows I have every right to bolt and ask for at least 50-50 custody.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I totally get it.
My DH and I don't have major problems whatsoever, but I often feel we'd both technically be better, fitter. Maybe a little happier if we had to try a little harder, or had the space to do so. Like we hold each other back. I think it's just temporary because our kids are young. Personal, alone time gets trumped by "finally! We can talk together!!" And we don't get around to individual personal development and goals.

Also, sometimes we each separately get motivated to start something new. A in I'll think 'I WILL go to this class, or exercise, or go shop for my hobby." And I get motivated. And separately the next week he'll do the same. But for both of us it's short lived. He doesn't try to hold me back but if his mood, or if my mood, is lazy/cuddly/even dysfunctional (binge tv), we can really affect each other negatively.

You know, you're right. A woman that's even mildly depressed can hold her man back and vice-versa.

[Anonymous]

Op why were you guys sexless before the affair? Maybe she just wanted sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are kids and they are a big factor in all of this. I do not want a broken home for them. I know many women's affairs are fatal to a marriage because usually the woman falls in love vs just wanting sex. So we are not out of the woods by far but both acknowledge we are in a better place than six months ago. I am taking it in 6-month increments and we will see. As for her holding all the power... She does not want our family breaking up either. Scares the crap out of her. She knows she effed up royally so she knows I have every right to bolt and ask for at least 50-50 custody.

You always have the right to bold and request 50-50 custody; however, since you forgave her, you no longer have the right to file it as her fault legally.

[Anonymous]

What do you mean he can't file fault legally because he forgave her? You mean because he didn't boot her right away?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are kids and they are a big factor in all of this. I do not want a broken home for them. I know many women's affairs are fatal to a marriage because usually the woman falls in love vs just wanting sex. So we are not out of the woods by far but both acknowledge we are in a better place than six months ago. I am taking it in 6-month increments and we will see. As for her holding all the power... She does not want our family breaking up either. Scares the crap out of her. She knows she effed up royally so she knows I have every right to bolt and ask for at least 50-50 custody.

Why do men bolt and women stay... I don't get it.

Why not stay and get 50-50?