My husband and my teen son what to do?

[Anonymous]

Things are not good with them. I can tell my son really wants a good relationship with my husband and needs it but every time they are together it's a disaster. Now, my son is not easy , he can be volatile and sensitive. And my husband isn't wired to deal with that well. My husband travels a lot and is stressed a lot. He golfs often which my son resents. Here's latest scenario. They are at an away tournament t for my son's main sport. Should be good bonding time. During an afternoon break my husband decides to golf. My son likes to golf but has an injury preventing him from doing it now. My husband say he can stay in hotel or ride in cart. Begrudgingly, my son rides in cart , his dad lets him drive but yells at him when he makes mistakes (he's 13 shouldn't be driving cart) and when my son asks to put in the round as it's the only thing he can do with injury my husband says no as it will screw up his score! My son is pissed and I can understand why. This is just an example of things that happen routinely. He called me to talk about it and then my husband yelled at him for "tattling" on him. It's a mess. What would you do?!

[Anonymous]

I would get myself and my husband into family counseling ASAP before i let this situation harm my son any further than it already has.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry but your husband sounds like a douche.

[Anonymous]

Your DH needs to realize he is the adult and that means that what he wants to do sometimes comes second. If he can't or won't realize this on his own, then agree with pp that counseling is needed.

There were definitely better activity choices for the afternoon that your DS and DH could have participated in.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like your husband cannot see how self-centered he is, and does not have the skills to read other people, including his closest and dearest.

Sounds a lot like my husband!
He just yelled at our son this very afternoon and it escalated into a screaming match, for a minor situation that I would have dealt with easily and quietly.

My husband has ADHD and Asperger's tendencies. I am in the process of finding a good therapist and a psychiatrist, and hope he will agree to go for a visit, because it really can't continue like this. At this point, I don't even like leaving both of them alone.

I advise you to talk to your son very frankly about this. Tell him that his father may or may not change. So your son has to learn tactics of avoidance as well as detachment, even though most conflicts will not be of his making. It's a hard lesson to learn for a kid, but the sooner he learns to deal with people like this, the better off he'll be.

I would nix father-son weekends away for now.

[Anonymous]

Op here it's just so sad! Particularly as I see how much my son needs my husband and that relationship. when I try to talk, usually calmly, sometimes not, to my husband about it he's completely defensive, and refuses to see his role in this dynamic.

[Anonymous]

The golf crap needs to go. Tell your DH to take a break from it for one year and focus on his relationship with his son.

If he isn't willing to do that, he's a douche.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your DH needs to realize he is the adult and that means that what he wants to do sometimes comes second. If he can't or won't realize this on his own, then agree with pp that counseling is needed.

There were definitely better activity choices for the afternoon that your DS and DH could have participated in.

Agree. My son sees a therapist and my husband went once with me without my son. The therapist very skillfully basically said to him "you need to make your son a priority, and when you have time with him you need to do what HE wants to and if that's playing Pokemon go so be it (or similar) it's like when they're little and you get down on the floor and build block towers over and over - is it what you "want" to do? Likely not but you do it because this is what they need- " he told my husband this is what your son needs right now. I thought it was very good counsel.

[Anonymous]

Stop playing mediator.

Stop poor babying your son.

If he's 13 and still having tantrums which is what you really mean by being volatile and sensitive if can't handle the world not stopping because he doesn't get his way ( golf or injury) or a critique or coddling his emotions he's going to have a hard time in his life.



That's not to say your husband is completely blame free, but from where I sit it seems your son has 2 parents who haven't done him any favors in life.


I suspect Dad has been playing back seat for a long time because he doesn't parent " the right way" and now that your son is 13 you think he needs a male influence and you want to take your husband off the sidelines and have him do what you want.

You and your husband both need marriage counseling and parenting classes and family counseling will probably help you too.

Get this right before he turns 18.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop playing mediator.

Stop poor babying your son.

If he's 13 and still having tantrums which is what you really mean by being volatile and sensitive if can't handle the world not stopping because he doesn't get his way ( golf or injury) or a critique or coddling his emotions he's going to have a hard time in his life.



That's not to say your husband is completely blame free, but from where I sit it seems your son has 2 parents who haven't done him any favors in life.


I suspect Dad has been playing back seat for a long time because he doesn't parent " the right way" and now that your son is 13 you think he needs a male influence and you want to take your husband off the sidelines and have him do what you want.

You and your husband both need marriage counseling and parenting classes and family counseling will probably help you too.

Get this right before he turns 18.

Projecting, PP?
Nothing in OP's post tends that way.
Teens are usually volatile and sensitive, some more than others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your DH needs to realize he is the adult and that means that what he wants to do sometimes comes second. If he can't or won't realize this on his own, then agree with pp that counseling is needed.

There were definitely better activity choices for the afternoon that your DS and DH could have participated in.

Yup. Does he always get his way in everything?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your DH needs to realize he is the adult and that means that what he wants to do sometimes comes second. If he can't or won't realize this on his own, then agree with pp that counseling is needed.

There were definitely better activity choices for the afternoon that your DS and DH could have participated in.

Yup. Does he always get his way in everything?

I never really thought about it, but yes, pretty much.

[Anonymous]

He called me to talk about it

You and your son should not be discussing the father behind his back. It is divisive. Do not use the excuse of the two of you trying to "figurie-it-out". Unless your husband is abusive and it doesn't sound like so, they need to work through this transition themselves. This is probably about seeing your son as a man and less of a boy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

He called me to talk about it

You and your son should not be discussing the father behind his back. It is divisive. Do not use the excuse of the two of you trying to "figurie-it-out". Unless your husband is abusive and it doesn't sound like so, they need to work through this transition themselves. This is probably about seeing your son as a man

and less of a boy.

My son just turned 13 hardly a man. I understand your point though. One thing that can be hard is my husband tea end and is gone a lot so they are (all 3 kids) used to me as the go to person. It's very hard for my don in particular to talk to his dad about anything related to feelings. That's pretty much ok with my husband he hates and talk about emotions, etc

[Anonymous]

Men who golf (particularly married men with kids who should be spending time with their families) are d-bags for investing so much time in a stupid game.