Losing a parent after strained relationship

[Anonymous]

If you had a strained relationship with your parent(s), how painful was their death for you, emotionally? Did you feel the loss in increments, with each deterioration of your relationship?

[Anonymous]

I just lost my father last month. He sexually abused me as a child and thus we never had a good relationship. In my twenties, I cut him out of my life completely. After I had a child in my late 30s, I visited with him briefly for a few hours every 3 years or so. I am now in my early fifties and had reached some peace about him. I did not like him and did not wish to have him in my life, but I was also no longer angry with him and could acknowledge that other facets of his personality existed, not all bad. When he died, the grief I felt was minimal and mostly reflected my sadness that we never had a relationship worth grieving. I was sorry that he died just as I would be sorry to hear the same news about a neighbor. The question you ask is one I wondered about too. I worried that I might regret not having tried harder to forgive and establish a loving relationship as he wanted. Now that he is gone, I do not feel regret or guilt. Too many years of distance for that. Good luck to you ... every relationship had its own complications.

[Anonymous]

op: Thank you. I started therapy 2 months ago and the therapist is encouraging me to try to improve things with my parents, then judge whether their response is worth continuing my efforts. Now that I've created distance in order to preserve my strength for my kids, it's tempting to keep the distance to make my life easier in the future. But I think I should put as much effort as I can muster.

[Anonymous]

My parent died this year and I mostly feel relief that he isn't alive. It took away some anxiety I have. I know how that sounds to people that have decent parents, but he was very physically and emotionally abusive from the day I was born. I went for therapy over the years, set boundaries and eventually just slipped out of his life for the last 10 years. He was horrible in my childhood and I gave him too many opportunites. He kept hurting me and my children until enough was enough. He was sick the last couple of years and I didn't go see him. He's an extreme narcissistic sociopath, very abusive. He may have been sick, but he was still the same horrible man. More therapy helped because I worried that I might regret something after he died. I went through grieving our relationship before he was even sick. I also wrote a letter to him, NOT to give him, just for me to say good bye while he was still alive. Understand - he didn't ever see the letter, but it was closure for me.

I feel for you, it's rough. I really worried while he was sick that I deal with it right because death is final. I have no regrets! He used to say that about himself - that he didn't waste time with regrets!

[Anonymous]

My Dad died almost a year ago. He divorced Mom when I was very small, then moved on with wife #2 and a new daughter. I was pushed aside. Looking back, the grieving started then. In my 20s, we reconciled somewhat but we never lived near one another so it was easy to keep him at arm's length. Then he got divorced again, started dating and put his GFs ahead of me & my family. Finally he married a nice woman and they had a good run. He ended up becoming a friend, someone I could talk to and a nice grandfather to my children. He got sick and died within one year's time so his death was somewhat sudden for me. I have grieved that he passed somewhat young at 68, that he'll miss so much of my kids' lives. That's sad for me. But I also think about what a selfish jerk he was over the years and the tears dry up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:op: Thank you. I started therapy 2 months ago and the therapist is encouraging me to try to improve things with my parents, then judge whether their response is worth continuing my efforts. Now that I've created distance in order to preserve my strength for my kids, it's tempting to keep the distance to make my life easier in the future. But I think I should put as much effort as I can muster.

I think this is admirable and you should do enough that you have no regrets later. But I also think you should consider just how much effort this one person deserves. That effort might be better made towards other relationships in your life that are more meaningful and reciprocal. Don't be afraid of that "easiness" in your life ... loving relationships are not supposed to be hard. If too much work and effort and compromise are required, then perhaps it is time to reassess.

[Anonymous]

op: Thank you. My dad is very selfish and my mom uses all her energy for him and cannot really help me with my SN child or my other 2 kids.