If your 5, 6, or 7 yo girl started being unkind/mean, did she grow out of it?

[Anonymous]

just wondering if this is just testing or something else. It has been months. None of my other kids had this type of behavior. Like laughing if someone gets hurt, saying unkind things, not caring about whatever consequences (e.g., stopping playing with a child whose feelings she hurt, when she clearly wants to spend time with him/her and gets upset about it much later).

Wondering whether this is a phase or her personality. Previously she had not been like this, but has always had strong feelings (lots of tantrums until 4, crying, etc.).

[Anonymous]

What are her consequences if you catch her being unkind?

Does she have anxiety?

[Anonymous]

Don't wait for her to grow out of it. Give age appropriate consequences for bad behavior. Praise kind behavior at home.

[Anonymous]

My 6/7 yo went through this at the beginning of 1st grade. It was, in part, a reaction to a particular situation and also her trying on a new persona at a new school. She has a lot of strong emotions as well and is pretty sensitive.

I addressed it in a couple of ways. I used a lot of golden rule analogies. For example, she wanted to have a play date with the same aged girls in her neighborhood but not invite one girl, Broomhilda (this was in reaction to Broomhilda loudly inviting every child at the bus stop to a playdate except DD and her sister.) So I asked her if she liked how it felt when the Broomhilda excluded her, and we talked about feelings and doing what was right vs. exacting retribution. I also just flat out told her that 'we' don't behave in that manner and that if she wanted to host a play date, she'd have to do it in a kind and inclusive way.

Another thing I did was try to model kindness whenever I could. I'd go out of my way to help someone, including the DD. Not to the point of inhibiting independence or creating spoiled monsters, but just to take a few moments to help them with something whether they asked or not.

Finally, we talked about what it was like to be a good friend and how good friends treat each other. And I made it clear that they didn't have to be friends with everyone, but she had to be polite and kind.

It took some time but she eventually turned the corner. I don't think this is something that will change based on a one-time consequence. I think you'll have to marry discussions with consequences.

PS - on the laughing when others are hurt thing, that might be her automatic response. Some people do that when they feel uncomfortable and don't know what to do. Just help her find another way.

[Anonymous]

As a mom of a current 6yr old who volunteers in summer camps, please get this under control. There are a decent group of very mean girls that lack empathy, are bossy, and undermine authority in my child's school. I know one of the moms personally and in K she said it was transition issues. In 1st she said she is just just stubborn, now in the summer before starting 2nd she is now saying she is strong-minded and what could be hard to deal with now will be a positive later in life.

This girl is so mean. She purposely breaks up friendships, she tells girls to leave the group, she says people and counsellors are stupid. It has gotten progressively worse as it is obvious her mom thinks this is a leader-in-the-making.

Don't get angry at your child OP. Don't make her feel like she is bad. Re-route her feelings into positives. Teach empathy, what the other child is feeling, how to handle her anger, how to socialize, how to make someone feel happy, feel included, etc... It can take a long time and a TON of patience. Ask play dates, camps, and schools to truly inform you of issues. Let other moms, teachers, counsellors know you are on their side and need their help. Whatever you do, don't justify it for anything. Not to her or anyone else.

[Anonymous]

Thanks everyone.

We do consequences, to the one who suggested that. Hey just don't stop future similar behavior.

I don't justify it to anyone. I am appalled. I was bullied through middle and high school and have no desire to have my own child be a mean person.

We model kindness and talk with others asking them to let us know and we stop activities if she acts inappropriately.

She up until recently has been very kind and loving. I have a friend who I speak to about this and she says she can't even envision did being rude. It's not constant, but it's there.

I don't see any signs of anxiety, and one of my other kids has anxiety so I'm familiar with it.

We talk a lot about what the other person feels, and how she would feel if so and so said "x" to her.

10:10, I appreciate your response having gone through this.

[Anonymous]

We did all you're doing with my now 10 year old who isn't a bully or mean girl just very directive and intolerant of what others want to do. Since nothing else was working I told her she wasn't going to have any friends left if she treated people this way. It was a moment of desperation and I felt guilty afterward, but it worked. it was motivating for her because she wants friends.

[Anonymous]

Yes. She got swept up in some mean girl shit in kindergarten and we did a lot of work on her about it. By first grade she was back to herself. Now a rising 8th grader, and still perfectly nice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We did all you're doing with my now 10 year old who isn't a bully or mean girl just very directive and intolerant of what others want to do. Since nothing else was working I told her she wasn't going to have any friends left if she treated people this way. It was a moment of desperation and I felt guilty afterward, but it worked. it was motivating for her because she wants friends.

Thanks. I have said that if her friend has hurt feelings then he will not want to be around or play with her anymore. I don't think she comprehends this yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes. She got swept up in some mean girl shit in kindergarten and we did a lot of work on her about it. By first grade she was back to herself. Now a rising 8th grader, and still perfectly nice.

Thanks. I am hopeful that continued praise of kindness, talking about how the other person feels, and consequences (like ending the activity) will help guide her.

[Anonymous]

We did all you're doing with my now 10 year old who isn't a bully or mean girl just very directive and intolerant of what others want to do. Since nothing else was working I told her she wasn't going to have any friends left if she treated people this way. It was a moment of desperation and I felt guilty afterward, but it worked. it was motivating for her because she wants friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks everyone.

We do consequences, to the one who suggested that. Hey just don't stop future similar behavior.

I don't justify it to anyone. I am appalled. I was bullied through middle and high school and have no desire to have my own child be a mean person.

We model kindness and talk with others asking them to let us know and we stop activities if she acts inappropriately.

She up until recently has been very kind and loving. I have a friend who I speak to about this and she says she can't even envision did being rude. It's not constant, but it's there.

I don't see any signs of anxiety, and one of my other kids has anxiety so I'm familiar with it.

We talk a lot about what the other person feels, and how she would feel if so and so said "x" to her.

10:10, I appreciate your response having gone through this.

Does she have friends who are mean?? Usually this happens when kids spend a lot of time with mean kids. Happened to my DD and she was a super sweet people pleaser. And yes she grew out of it but only bc I refused to let her act like that in my home.

[Anonymous]

I think a lot of kids go through this stage at ages 5-8.

They are testing boundaries, developing social lives away from their parents. Some kids are fine with it and have no trouble being patient, kind and empathetic with other kids. Some kids are able to watch other kids being unkind -- and even encouraging them to join the meanness -- and yet are able to stay on the sidelines rather than join in. For some kids this really isn't hard.

But plenty of other kids in this age group just don't yet have the needed empathy and impulse control. Personality is on a spectrum, as is social development. So PLENTY of kids need a lot of guidance here. They need to be taught, encouraged, reminded and praised for kind, empathetic behavior.

Also, PLEASE do not fall into the trap of calling this "mean girl" behavior. This is not just a girl issue. PLENTY of boys in DD's grade struggle with the same challenges. It's a kid thing. Not a "girl" thing.

Keep focusing on it in both a positive and a negative (consequences) way.

Praise DD when she is kind to someone, no matter how small the behavior. Don't go crazy. Just notice and appreciate it.

Praise other kids to DD when you see them doing something nice.

Ask DD what she thinks someone else might be feeling in a situation as it's happening or soon after. It doesn't always have to be when someone has been left out or insulted and is likely feeling hurt, sad, left out etc. Though that works, too. It can also be when they are likely feeling happy about something good happening. Just keep prompting DD to think about things from someone else's point of view. Even in your own family. And find ways to note how different people might feel differently about the SAME situation. The key is to STOP and think beforehand about how someone else might feel.

That's been helpful for DD. The impulse control part. Acknowledging that it's often easy -- and even feels good -- to go along with what her friends are doing. But that's it's really important to STOP and ask herself if it's a good idea. And how someone else might feel. Sometimes that pause has been enough for her to step back.

Finally, one of my friends has taught her daughter the "What would grandma think?" trick. Basically, her daughter idolizes her grandma and somehow seeing her choices through her grandma's eyes has helped her be kinder. Especially on social media (she's older than 7, obviously.) YMMV.

We've also sometimes asked DD versions of, "Who's your nicest friend?" We try not to be heavy handed, but it's a way of helping her identify and focus on the kids who "are friends with everyone" or "who is usually nice to everyone." Just asking the question helps show her that we value that trait -- and are not just focused on the "bad" kids -- and maybe it helps her value those friends a bit more, too.

And finally, yes, there are consequences for poor choices. Sometimes in our house it's not a consequence, but just a simple reminder/redirection consequence -- "Ouch. That's a mean thing to say. We don't talk like that about other people." Or, "Huh. That sounds mean. I wonder how she felt."

But other times -- especially when the meanness has involved other friends -- we've had her take a break from those friends for a bit. Again, not dramatic, but no playdates with those friends for awhile. Or no sitting on the bus with those friends. (And telling the bus driver, too). And yes, we've definitely taken away significant privileges for a few specific situations. Basically to get her attention and make it clear that certain things are just not tolerated.

Consequences help, but try to keep the focus on teaching. For some kids, developing empathy and impulse control is really is a long-term project. But parents have a huge influence, so keep at it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks everyone.

We do consequences, to the one who suggested that. Hey just don't stop future similar behavior.

I don't justify it to anyone. I am appalled. I was bullied through middle and high school and have no desire to have my own child be a mean person.

We model kindness and talk with others asking them to let us know and we stop activities if she acts inappropriately.

She up until recently has been very kind and loving. I have a friend who I speak to about this and she says she can't even envision did being rude. It's not constant, but it's there.

I don't see any signs of anxiety, and one of my other kids has anxiety so I'm familiar with it.

We talk a lot about what the other person feels, and how she would feel if so and so said "x" to her.

10:10, I appreciate your response having gone through this.

Does she have friends who are mean?? Usually this happens when kids spend a lot of time with mean kids. Happened to my DD and she was a super sweet people pleaser. And yes she grew out of it but only bc I refused to let her act like that in my home.

Thanks- I'm not really sure. She has been spending a lot of time with another kid, but I haven't observed anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think a lot of kids go through this stage at ages 5-8.

They are testing boundaries, developing social lives away from their parents. Some kids are fine with it and have no trouble being patient, kind and empathetic with other kids. Some kids are able to watch other kids being unkind -- and even encouraging them to join the meanness -- and yet are able to stay on the sidelines rather than join in. For some kids this really isn't hard.

But plenty of other kids in this age group just don't yet have the needed empathy and impulse control. Personality is on a spectrum, as is social development. So PLENTY of kids need a lot of guidance here. They need to be taught, encouraged, reminded and praised for kind, empathetic behavior.

Also, PLEASE do not fall into the trap of calling this "mean girl" behavior. This is not just a girl issue. PLENTY of boys in DD's grade struggle with the same challenges. It's a kid thing. Not a "girl" thing.

Keep focusing on it in both a positive and a negative (consequences) way.

Praise DD when she is kind to someone, no matter how small the behavior. Don't go crazy. Just notice and appreciate it.

Praise other kids to DD when you see them doing something nice.

Ask DD what she thinks someone else might be feeling in a situation as it's happening or soon after. It doesn't always have to be when someone has been left out or insulted and is likely feeling hurt, sad, left out etc. Though that works, too. It can also be when they are likely feeling happy about something good happening. Just keep prompting DD to think about things from someone else's point of view. Even in your own family. And find ways to note how different people might feel differently about the SAME situation. The key is to STOP and think beforehand about how someone else might feel.

That's been helpful for DD. The impulse control part. Acknowledging that it's often easy -- and even feels good -- to go along with what her friends are doing. But that's it's really important to STOP and ask herself if it's a good idea. And how someone else might feel. Sometimes that pause has been enough for her to step back.

Finally, one of my friends has taught her daughter the "What would grandma think?" trick. Basically, her daughter idolizes her grandma and somehow seeing her choices through her grandma's eyes has helped her be kinder. Especially on social media (she's older than 7, obviously.) YMMV.

We've also sometimes asked DD versions of, "Who's your nicest friend?" We try not to be heavy handed, but it's a way of helping her identify and focus on the kids who "are friends with everyone" or "who is usually nice to everyone." Just asking the question helps show her that we value that trait -- and are not just focused on the "bad" kids -- and maybe it helps her value those friends a bit more, too.

And finally, yes, there are consequences for poor choices. Sometimes in our house it's not a consequence, but just a simple reminder/redirection consequence -- "Ouch. That's a mean thing to say. We don't talk like that about other people." Or, "Huh. That sounds mean. I wonder how she felt."

But other times -- especially when the meanness has involved other friends -- we've had her take a break from those friends for a bit. Again, not dramatic, but no playdates with those friends for awhile. Or no sitting on the bus with those friends. (And telling the bus driver, too). And yes, we've definitely taken away significant privileges for a few specific situations. Basically to get her attention and make it clear that certain things are just not tolerated.

Consequences help, but try to keep the focus on teaching. For some kids, developing empathy and impulse control is really is a long-term project. But parents have a huge influence, so keep at it!

I appreciate your reply, very helpful to hear.