Reply to If your 5, 6, or 7 yo girl started being unkind/mean, did she grow out of it?

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Reply to "If your 5, 6, or 7 yo girl started being unkind/mean, did she grow out of it?"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I think a lot of kids go through this stage at ages 5-8.

They are testing boundaries, developing social lives away from their parents.  Some kids are fine with it and have no trouble being patient, kind and empathetic with other kids.  Some kids are able to watch other kids being unkind -- and even encouraging them to join the meanness -- and yet are able to stay on the sidelines rather than join in.  For some kids this really isn't hard.

But plenty of other kids in this age group just don't yet have the needed empathy and impulse control.  Personality is on a spectrum, as is social development.  So PLENTY of kids need a lot of guidance here.  They need to be taught, encouraged, reminded and praised for kind, empathetic behavior.

Also, PLEASE do not fall into the trap of calling this "mean girl" behavior.  This is not just a girl issue.  PLENTY of boys in DD's grade struggle with the same challenges.  It's a kid thing.  Not a "girl" thing.

Keep focusing on it in both a positive and a negative (consequences) way.

Praise DD when she is kind to someone, no matter how small the behavior.  Don't go crazy.  Just notice and appreciate it.

Praise other kids to DD when you see them doing something nice.

Ask DD what she thinks someone else might be feeling in a situation as it's happening or soon after.  It doesn't always have to be when someone has been left out or insulted and is likely feeling hurt, sad, left out etc.  Though that works, too.  It can also be when they are likely feeling happy about something good happening.  Just keep prompting DD to think about things from someone else's point of view.  Even in your own family.  And find ways to note how different people might feel differently about the SAME situation.  The key is to STOP and think beforehand about how someone else might feel.

That's been helpful for DD.  The impulse control part.  Acknowledging that it's often easy -- and even feels good -- to go along with what her friends are doing.  But that's it's really important to STOP and ask herself if it's a good idea.  And how someone else might feel.  Sometimes that pause has been enough for her to step back.

Finally, one of my friends has taught her daughter the "What would grandma think?" trick.  Basically, her daughter idolizes her grandma and somehow seeing her choices through her grandma's eyes has helped her be kinder.  Especially on social media (she's older than 7, obviously.)  YMMV.

We've also sometimes asked DD versions of, "Who's your nicest friend?"  We try not to be heavy handed, but it's a way of helping her identify and focus on the kids who "are friends with everyone" or "who is usually nice to everyone."  Just asking the question helps show her that we value that trait -- and are not just focused on the "bad" kids -- and maybe it helps her value those friends a bit more, too.

And finally, yes, there are consequences for poor choices.  Sometimes in our house it's not a consequence, but just a simple reminder/redirection consequence -- "Ouch.  That's a mean thing to say.  We don't talk like that about other people."  Or, "Huh. That sounds mean.  I wonder how she felt."

But other times -- especially when the meanness has involved other friends -- we've had her take a break from those friends for a bit.  Again, not dramatic, but no playdates with those friends for awhile.  Or no sitting on the bus with those friends.  (And telling the bus driver, too).  And yes, we've definitely taken away significant privileges for a few specific situations.  Basically to get her attention and make it clear that certain things are just not tolerated.

Consequences help, but try to keep the focus on teaching.  For some kids, developing empathy and impulse control is really is a long-term project. But parents have a huge influence, so keep at it![/quote]

I appreciate your reply, very helpful to hear. :)[/quote]

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