I'm probably being too sensitive, but help me answer unsolicited questions about single mom status

[Anonymous]

I have lots of friends around the country from various stages of life; school, training, etc. Four years ago I became a single mom. The pregnancy was unplanned but welcomed, I have a calm/reasonable relationship with my daughter's dad (although we're not together and he's unfortunately largely uninvolved, at his choice). My daughter and I do very well, I have a large, involved family and our lives are happy and drama-free. What I've noticed is that when these friends from my past (many of whom I haven't spoken to in several years) reach out to me on facebook or whatever, often the very first thing they want to know is my parenting status. Am I doing this solo? How involved is the Dad? What's the story?

To that last one, I take real offense. There's no "story", at least not one I'm interested in condensing into a two line exerpt on FB. No, I didn't approach parenting in a traditional way, but we lead happy, stable lives that I'm proud of (and of note, work my ass off to make happen).

Anway, I understand their curiosity. And maybe if they came to town and we had a nice dinner out to catch up, I'd go into detail. But to randomly reach out to say hi, then by the way, where's the child's dad? Seems invasive and gossipy. I'm certainly not going to message back and say, "how's your marriage?".

I'm definitely sensitive about this. Mostly because I have a deep sadness that DD's dad has been such a disappointment, despite my best efforts to keep him involved. I've had to come to terms with that and it's not a "story" I feel like sharing at whim. So far my response has been to treat the question like any other topic that's no one else's business: I just don't answer it. My responses back are friendly and upbeat, but I don't feel the need to share info just because it's asked.

Other thoughts? Am I seeing malintent where there is none?

[Anonymous]

I would be offended too. Keep it breezy but take note - these are not the people you should consider friends (or even friendly).

[Anonymous]

I separated during a pregnancy (about 6 weeks after announcing) and filed for divorce from the maternity ward. I did draft a two line response for FB and have often used it with people who don't have a genuine need for all the details: We're no longer together. I focus on my kids. Repeat it without losing your temper or revealing more info and eventually people get it.

[Anonymous]

It's curiosity plain and simple. When you do something outside of what they expect to see, they want to know why.

Also, social media is weird. Some of my friends don't post any photos or mention their DHs on FB (not sure why, maybe the DH requested it) so it's possible they simply aren't sure. Others post lots about their spouse but nothing about their kids, so I am then shocked to find out they had 2 boys in the past 2 years, or whatever.

[Anonymous]

Maybe they have no respect for a woman who chooses to have an illegitimate child.

[Anonymous]

I got the same questions, but in my case, I didn't really mind. I figure they're my friends and they are concerned about me and want to know things are ok. they are probably also just curious about ways of life that are different from their own, which is not necessarily a bad thing. the way you answer them could affect how they view single mothers going forward.

You don't have to tell them *everything.* Imagine you're a PR agent for yourself. What is the story you want out in the world? You're not the only one with a disappointing dad for your child - plenty of people you know are married to guys who fit that description.

Try to own your situation - how you present it will likely influence how others respond to it. There's no need to be ashamed of your circumstances. I know single moms are often in unstable situations - that is a stereotype that bothers me as well - but you know it doesn't fit you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe they have no respect for a woman who chooses to have an illegitimate child.

illegitimate child? craw back to 1800 where you belong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe they have no respect for a woman who chooses to have an illegitimate child.

Ah, yes, because she should have gotten an abortion? Oh wait, you probably don't support that idea either. Women are all damned!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's curiosity plain and simple. When you do something outside of what they expect to see, they want to know why.

Also, social media is weird. Some of my friends don't post any photos or mention their DHs on FB (not sure why, maybe the DH requested it) so it's possible they simply aren't sure. Others post lots about their spouse but nothing about their kids, so I am then shocked to find out they had 2 boys in the past 2 years, or whatever.

I'm a single mom who unfortunately does have a story, but one I can't really tell so I get where you are coming from, OP. But I think PP is right. Most of the time it's just curiosity. I think the way you are handling it is perfect. I think PP's two line answer is fine too.

[Anonymous]

I also became a single mom four years ago (shout out to the 2012 babies!) and think you're handling it just fine. I've only been asked by one FB "friend" (a high school classmate) for details. Keep on doing what you're doing. Keep it breezy and upbeat. No need to share personal details. People are curious (which is a nice way of saying nosy!)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe they have no respect for a woman who chooses to have an illegitimate child.

You got it. Much better for a child raised by an ahole like you than to be raised by a single parent.
How embarrassing...for you

[Anonymous]

I don't see anything malicious in the asking, but if I were in your shoes, I'd feel put off by the questions too... A bit too nosy and not really appropriate for email or FB. . I like the pp who commented that they have a standard 2line response.

[Anonymous]

"Oh, you know. Life happens!" Then change the subject.

[Anonymous]

Devise a short reply that can be used with anyone - then move the conversation along to something relevant.

[Anonymous]

20:54 - I got the question, "who's the dad?" quite a bit, because he was outside of our circle and I'm discreet about my love life, so people didn't know I was seeing someone. I gave the inner circle the bullet points (guy I was dating, got pregnant unexpectedly, relationship didn't survive the shock, but we're doing well as coparents) and it worked out fine. I was embarrassed at first because I felt it made me look like some dumb person who didn't understand birth control (it failed) but I mostly got over that.

A lot of the families at school assume we're married and our level of closeness determines whether I correct them or not. Sometimes I just let the "your husband" comments slide because neither of us care. Once we get closer, I'll say, "we're actually no longer together." I consider it a testament to our good relationship that people don't realize we're apart.