Affection That Comes With Strings Attached

[Anonymous]

DH and I have been married for 20 years and have two DCs, 18 and 15yo. We are in couples counseling for a variety of reasons, most of which have to do with him abdicating household and family adult responsibilities to me. In a nutshell, I have been over-functioning and he has been under-functioning for many years. This has (understandably) had a very negative impact my trust in him and consequently, on our marriage and sex life.

We are working on rebuilding trust and affection, but it is slow going. I am trying to be affectionate with him and to return affection, but it takes some effort and as I said - slow going.

When he expresses affection to me (e.g. a kiss or a hug), most of the time he touches my breast (cops a feel) as part of the gesture. This irritates me to no end as it feels like he can't express affection without there being something sexual in it for him. It causes me to recoil (because it's more than I am up for at that moment), which in turn makes him angry.

Is it possible for a man to kiss, hug, express affection without there being a sexual component to it?

[Anonymous]

This is a great topic for your counselor. Of course it's possible. But you both need to learn how to express affection in ways that YOU like and HE likes. You both need to be willing to be a bit flexible. You might need to laugh when he grabs your boob sometimes, but he also needs to learn to just give you a sweet cuddle without ass-grabbing.

[Anonymous]

I'd be bummed if DW got upset about a little grab-ass but she's just as likely to swat mine! Or pinch a nipple...

But given your description of the relationship, it's understandable. Sorry for your frustrations, OP. Hope things improve for you!

[Anonymous]

I think your feelings are understandable, since you see it as a larger pattern of selfishness. Work with your counselor on this, and here's hoping your husband can grow up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd be bummed if DW got upset about a little grab-ass but she's just as likely to swat mine! Or pinch a nipple...

But given your description of the relationship, it's understandable. Sorry for your frustrations, OP. Hope things improve for you!

Yeah, but I'll bet you don't grab-ass or pinch her nips every time ...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I have been married for 20 years and have two DCs, 18 and 15yo. We are in couples counseling for a variety of reasons, most of which have to do with him abdicating household and family adult responsibilities to me. In a nutshell, I have been over-functioning and he has been under-functioning for many years. This has (understandably) had a very negative impact my trust in him and consequently, on our marriage and sex life.

We are working on rebuilding trust and affection, but it is slow going. I am trying to be affectionate with him and to return affection, but it takes some effort and as I said - slow going.

When he expresses affection to me (e.g. a kiss or a hug), most of the time he touches my breast (cops a feel) as part of the gesture. This irritates me to no end as it feels like he can't express affection without there being something sexual in it for him. It causes me to recoil (because it's more than I am up for at that moment), which in turn makes him angry.

Is it possible for a man to kiss, hug, express affection without there being a sexual component to it?

Yes.

Did you browbeat him into abdicating household responsibilities? This is a common thing -- woman views husband as staff and wants to i nstruct not only what to do but how to do it. After a while, husband gets fed up and just stops. Wife gets irritated. Etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I have been married for 20 years and have two DCs, 18 and 15yo. We are in couples counseling for a variety of reasons, most of which have to do with him abdicating household and family adult responsibilities to me. In a nutshell, I have been over-functioning and he has been under-functioning for many years. This has (understandably) had a very negative impact my trust in him and consequently, on our marriage and sex life.

We are working on rebuilding trust and affection, but it is slow going. I am trying to be affectionate with him and to return affection, but it takes some effort and as I said - slow going.

When he expresses affection to me (e.g. a kiss or a hug), most of the time he touches my breast (cops a feel) as part of the gesture. This irritates me to no end as it feels like he can't express affection without there being something sexual in it for him. It causes me to recoil (because it's more than I am up for at that moment), which in turn makes him angry.

Is it possible for a man to kiss, hug, express affection without there being a sexual component to it?

Yes.

Did you browbeat him into abdicating household responsibilities? This is a common thing -- woman views husband as staff and wants to i nstruct not only what to do but how to do it. After a while, husband gets fed up and just stops. Wife gets irritated. Etc.

OP here. "Browbeat" is an inflammatory term, but in any case, no. DH has a lifelong pattern of avoiding responsibility. He abdicated from Day One.

We are making progress in therapy but given that we have a pattern developed and ingrained over 20 years, it is slow going.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd be bummed if DW got upset about a little grab-ass but she's just as likely to swat mine! Or pinch a nipple...

But given your description of the relationship, it's understandable. Sorry for your frustrations, OP. Hope things improve for you!

Yeah, but I'll bet you don't grab-ass or pinch her nips every time ...

Pretty much. But I showed her this thread and she assured me I am still within approved relationship parameters. And for the record, she pinches MY nipples! Purple Nurples hurt, man!!!

Sorry to sidetrack your thread, OP. Hope I at least brought you a chuckle...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I have been married for 20 years and have two DCs, 18 and 15yo. We are in couples counseling for a variety of reasons, most of which have to do with him abdicating household and family adult responsibilities to me. In a nutshell, I have been over-functioning and he has been under-functioning for many years. This has (understandably) had a very negative impact my trust in him and consequently, on our marriage and sex life.

We are working on rebuilding trust and affection, but it is slow going. I am trying to be affectionate with him and to return affection, but it takes some effort and as I said - slow going.

When he expresses affection to me (e.g. a kiss or a hug), most of the time he touches my breast (cops a feel) as part of the gesture. This irritates me to no end as it feels like he can't express affection without there being something sexual in it for him. It causes me to recoil (because it's more than I am up for at that moment), which in turn makes him angry.

Is it possible for a man to kiss, hug, express affection without there being a sexual component to it?

Just because he 'cops a feel' doesn't mean it's sexual. A lot of people consider a gesture like that with nothing more required intimate. When I hug my wife in a light embrace I don't grab/touch anything but when we hug in a tight embrace, and especially when we hold that embrace for more than a moment or 5, it would be difficult for me not to rub her lower back and squeeze her ass a little.

[Anonymous]

My ex husband was never affectionate and would pull away from non-sexual affection. I grew to resent him so badly for it. We didn't have kids so I didn't even want to bother with counseling. It was just like, "you won't kiss me or put your arm around me, but you want me to have sex?" Um, no.

My current fiancé is really affectionate. Kisses hello and goodbye, hugs in the kitchen, holding hands walking around places. It's great.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I have been married for 20 years and have two DCs, 18 and 15yo. We are in couples counseling for a variety of reasons, most of which have to do with him abdicating household and family adult responsibilities to me. In a nutshell, I have been over-functioning and he has been under-functioning for many years. This has (understandably) had a very negative impact my trust in him and consequently, on our marriage and sex life.

We are working on rebuilding trust and affection, but it is slow going. I am trying to be affectionate with him and to return affection, but it takes some effort and as I said - slow going.

When he expresses affection to me (e.g. a kiss or a hug), most of the time he touches my breast (cops a feel) as part of the gesture. This irritates me to no end as it feels like he can't express affection without there being something sexual in it for him. It causes me to recoil (because it's more than I am up for at that moment), which in turn makes him angry.

Is it possible for a man to kiss, hug, express affection without there being a sexual component to it?

So OP you think he has to express non sexual affection to you as the hoop he has to jump through to prove what? You've been married 20 years. You're not virgins going out on a first date. It is you who are the problem in this marriage. Normal men want to have sex with their wives and express sexuality in their affection. So do normal women, of course. Who ever told you that after 20 years you get to tell him how he is and is not permitted to express affection to his wife?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ex husband was never affectionate and would pull away from non-sexual affection. I grew to resent him so badly for it. We didn't have kids so I didn't even want to bother with counseling. It was just like, "you won't kiss me or put your arm around me, but you want me to have sex?" Um, no.

My current fiancé is really affectionate. Kisses hello and goodbye, hugs in the kitchen, holding hands walking around places. It's great.

I just will never understand women who actually marry a man and then pretend they were unaware of what his manner of expressing affection was like prior to marriage.

Perhaps your ex didn't want to engage in affection with you that never would lead to sex. In any event you knew what he was like when you married him. Yet it's all your exes fault.

Now your new guy hugs and kisses you and hold your hand and you seem to think this.means he doesn't really want to have sex with you. That's because he's courting you you moron. Your fiancee actually wants to have sex with you every single time. Cause he's a man. If you get married and you pull this crap a second time don't be surprised if he loses his patience with your games just like the first one did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I have been married for 20 years and have two DCs, 18 and 15yo. We are in couples counseling for a variety of reasons, most of which have to do with him abdicating household and family adult responsibilities to me. In a nutshell, I have been over-functioning and he has been under-functioning for many years. This has (understandably) had a very negative impact my trust in him and consequently, on our marriage and sex life.

We are working on rebuilding trust and affection, but it is slow going. I am trying to be affectionate with him and to return affection, but it takes some effort and as I said - slow going.

When he expresses affection to me (e.g. a kiss or a hug), most of the time he touches my breast (cops a feel) as part of the gesture. This irritates me to no end as it feels like he can't express affection without there being something sexual in it for him. It causes me to recoil (because it's more than I am up for at that moment), which in turn makes him angry.

Is it possible for a man to kiss, hug, express affection without there being a sexual component to it?

Yes.

Did you browbeat him into abdicating household responsibilities? This is a common thing -- woman views husband as staff and wants to i nstruct not only what to do but how to do it. After a while, husband gets fed up and just stops. Wife gets irritated. Etc.

OP here. "Browbeat" is an inflammatory term, but in any case, no. DH has a lifelong pattern of avoiding responsibility. He abdicated from Day One.

We are making progress in therapy but given that we have a pattern developed and ingrained over 20 years, it is slow going.

Wow OP so fortunate for you that the entire fault for your 20 years of unhappiness is clearly 100% the fault of your husband. Must feel good to know there is nothing about your own behavior or attitude that needs to change. Clearly if he only does what you tell him he needs to do, problem solved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I have been married for 20 years and have two DCs, 18 and 15yo. We are in couples counseling for a variety of reasons, most of which have to do with him abdicating household and family adult responsibilities to me. In a nutshell, I have been over-functioning and he has been under-functioning for many years. This has (understandably) had a very negative impact my trust in him and consequently, on our marriage and sex life.

We are working on rebuilding trust and affection, but it is slow going. I am trying to be affectionate with him and to return affection, but it takes some effort and as I said - slow going.

When he expresses affection to me (e.g. a kiss or a hug), most of the time he touches my breast (cops a feel) as part of the gesture. This irritates me to no end as it feels like he can't express affection without there being something sexual in it for him. It causes me to recoil (because it's more than I am up for at that moment), which in turn makes him angry.

Is it possible for a man to kiss, hug, express affection without there being a sexual component to it?

Just because he 'cops a feel' doesn't mean it's sexual. A lot of people consider a gesture like that with nothing more required intimate. When I hug my wife in a light embrace I don't grab/touch anything but when we hug in a tight embrace, and especially when we hold that embrace for more than a moment or 5, it would be difficult for me not to rub her lower back and squeeze her ass a little.

Why?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I have been married for 20 years and have two DCs, 18 and 15yo. We are in couples counseling for a variety of reasons, most of which have to do with him abdicating household and family adult responsibilities to me. In a nutshell, I have been over-functioning and he has been under-functioning for many years. This has (understandably) had a very negative impact my trust in him and consequently, on our marriage and sex life.

We are working on rebuilding trust and affection, but it is slow going. I am trying to be affectionate with him and to return affection, but it takes some effort and as I said - slow going.

When he expresses affection to me (e.g. a kiss or a hug), most of the time he touches my breast (cops a feel) as part of the gesture. This irritates me to no end as it feels like he can't express affection without there being something sexual in it for him. It causes me to recoil (because it's more than I am up for at that moment), which in turn makes him angry.

Is it possible for a man to kiss, hug, express affection without there being a sexual component to it?

Geez - I love this kind of thing . To each her own I guess.