S/O Is it possible to have a happy family if you don't come from one?

[Anonymous]

DH and I have just hit rock bottom. We both have deep family of origin issues - alcoholism and general abuse/control on his side, and sexual, physical, emotional abuse, narcissism, and alcoholism on mine - and I want to be hopeful we can transcend these legacies. I'm in Al-Anon and AA, DH is starting AA and SA, we are both in individual counseling and will begin marriage counseling next week. We are willing to do the work.

If both partners come from dysfunctional backgrounds, is it possible for them to create a functional, happy family for their own children?

[Anonymous]

I honestly think so, with therapy to help you understand and heal yourself. I also think once you have kids, it helps to be part of a supportive community, be it a church or a neighborhood or a mom's club, as a resource for information and emotional support. I think this becomes particularly important when you don't have family to rely on - you need to create your own extended family.

[Anonymous]

Yes. Me.

[Anonymous]

Yes. DH comes from a family with alcoholism and mental illness (both untreated). We have a happy nuclear family.

[Anonymous]

Yep. Divorce, abuse, addiction in my family of origin. Been married for 17 years. Marriage is very strong and we are very happy. 2 great kids who have grown up in a rock solid home where the adults love and respect each other. Agree that therapy helped me realize what I want in a marriage and gave me the courage to go for it.

[Anonymous]

Yes, it is possible.

[Anonymous]

My mom was in fact orphaned by an alcoholic dad a few years after her mom died. Eventually an aunt took her in but things were rough and she lost contact with her siblings. She has some insecurity issues but was such a loving and supportive mom that we kids thrived! It's absolutely possible, op. She never really focused on the past, didn't care for therapy, and just found church and family and friends helpful. She also got a lot of fulfillment from her career. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

I'm the OP of the original thread you're S/Oing from. Great question! I really hope so. DH and I are both intent on breaking the cycle with our own DC. We're really hoping we can learn from our families' mistakes and do it better.

What scares me is how often you see families who never break out of certain patterns. It makes me wonder whether we're fooling ourselves into thinking we can make a difference or whether there's other underlying issues/an inability to acknowledge past mistakes/denial at work in those families that pass down abusive and dysfunctional behaviors.

[Anonymous]

My family is happy. My kids are so happy that I don't completely understand it or believe it.

My family of origin is messed up: alcoholism, addiction, violence, sexual abuse. DH's family is messed up: parental mental illness, violence, extreme religiousity.

We figured it out. You can, too.

[Anonymous]

I think yes, but you have to address any issues that you might have picked up with despite trying not to and deal with them head on.

DH has been estranged from his dad since he was 14. His dad is mentally ill and I don't know why but never sought treatment and made life worse for his family until his mom had to divorce to protect this kids when DH was 11. MIL is attracted to people with issues for sure, her 2nd husband is, um, interesting. And he has to deal with how to be a good father without a real role model. His coping method seems to be to
ask, almost compulsively, advice and words of wisdom from fathers he meets/ knows, especially about the later childhood and teenage stages.

[Anonymous]

It is, but both people have to do the work individually to "fix" themselves. Learn, grow, understand the past. First work on yourself individually, then together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think yes, but you have to address any issues that you might have picked up with despite trying not to and deal with them head on.

DH has been estranged from his dad since he was 14. His dad is mentally ill and I don't know why but never sought treatment and made life worse for his family until his mom had to divorce to protect this kids when DH was 11. MIL is attracted to people with issues for sure, her 2nd husband is, um, interesting. And he has to deal with how to be a good father without a real role model. His coping method seems to be to
ask, almost compulsively, advice and words of wisdom from fathers he meets/ knows, especially about the later childhood and teenage stages.

'

NP here. +1 to the bolded statement by this PP.

OP, knowing both your backgrounds, you and your spouse need to be sure to address them as PP says. Then you're proceeding clear-eyed and aware.

I know one family where the parents did this -- recognized that they had learned some bad lessons from their own parents, got therapy, worked hard on their commitment to each other, etc. -- and their family is happy and functioning and able to keep up strong boundaries.

I know another family where both spouses just said "We won't repeat our own parents' mistakes!" but never did any work to explore the effects those mistakes had on them, and the result was...they did repeat those mistakes, to everyone's cost.

[Anonymous]

Yes. But DH started seeing a therapist when he was in college so by the time we met, he had progressed a lot. When DS was born he saw a therapist for about a year to develop strategies to deal with the change and worry he would become his parents.

We are very happy and he's a great dad. Sure, I wish he did a few things differently and he feels the same about me. Nothing major and I think that's fairly common

[Anonymous]

VERY possible. My mom's family was extremely dysfunctional (meth addicts, divorce, alcoholism) but she modeled normal. She never let us meet the bad relatives. Now that I'm older, she's told me that normal is something she tried very hard to get my siblings and I to.

[Anonymous]

Yes it's possible. It helps if you have a good therapist and a lot of self awareness.