s/o if you want the cousins to interact (your kids/their kids)...

[Anonymous]

This is a spin off from the post about a difficult SIL. It made me think maybe DCUM is crafty enough to come up with something workable in my situation.

I have one sibling, a sweet DB. His wife, my SIL, is very difficult and for years, my DH and I walked on eggshells around her--but she'd still get mad--she'd FIND something to irritate her.

Anyways, we kept getting together for the sake of the kids, to keep the cousin interaction going. My DDs are 13.5 and 11.5; DB's son is 13 and DD who we will call Larla, is 10.5.

At one point DH and SIL got into a spat and years later, we are sort-of recovered...DB and I tend to find ways to do something with the kids when my DH is traveling or his DW is out of town.

But here is the issue: Larla is a mini-version of her mother--completely indulged and entitled, sour and complains whenever she doesn't get her way. I was hoping it was a stage, but it's been going on for years.

E.g. When they were younger she yelled at my kids "There is no Santa Claus, it's just your parents pretending!" in front of all of us. I mean she is really a piece of work. Last time she was over, she was so snarky to my DB in my house, I reflexively almost said, "Hey, don't talk to your father like that." (but I didn't, because if she told her mom I said that, it would be WWIII)

Every time we get together, Larla causes conflict. Another example: The kids were playing in the next room. My elder DD came into the room with us, started reading a book, slouched in a chair. 20 min later Larla comes in with a story about how awful DD is being, how she's being mean, etc....she's going on and doesn't notice DD is right there, reading a book. Just a huge lie!

The last three times we've gotten together, my brother and I have truncated the visit after Larla has made it un-fun. ("Ok, time to go.")

So. I'm sort of done with this kid. My kids get along with the boy. Is there any constructive way to get the boy over here without Larla? I can't think of any way. Maybe you can, DCUM?

[Anonymous]

Find a camp that's only 11+ (this year) or 12+ (next year)? Any age-restricted activities? Like rock climbing or going to a gym or whatever would restrict Larla. But that's still kind of mean to do, honestly, since it's excluding one of the cousins. Sorry for the difficult situation.

[Anonymous]

Wow. The kid is 10.5. Give her a break. If your version of events is accurate, she has a difficult mother and a passive father. And by the way, your "sweet" brother is equally responsible for raising this child, as silence equals consent.

Where is your compassion?

My sister was a handful as a kid and angsty as a teen. She is now a Lutheran pastor and is friendly, warm and outgoing. Glad my extended family didn't write her off in her early years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow. The kid is 10.5. Give her a break. If your version of events is accurate, she has a difficult mother and a passive father. And by the way, your "sweet" brother is equally responsible for raising this child, as silence equals consent.

Where is your compassion?

My sister was a handful as a kid and angsty as a teen. She is now a Lutheran pastor and is friendly, warm and outgoing. Glad my extended family didn't write her off in her early years.

Agreed.

Larla is also the youngest of the bunch she probably feels she has to act out a little to fit in.

I also doubt your daughters are totally innocent in the squabbles. I would suggest you disengage and let them work it out.

[Anonymous]

I think you've had over a decade to test out this friendship and the results are in. You all don't get along. Not even the cousins. Stop trying to fit a square peg
In a round hole. Instead, spend your time developing friendships with people with whom both you and your kids get along.

On one side of the family, the cousins are total brats and both their parents are intolerable to be around. It's truly not us. It's them. We see them maybe twice a year. But my kids have really great relationships with other family members and our family friends. we got to a lot of effort to spend time with THOSE people, not the horrible people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. The kid is 10.5. Give her a break. If your version of events is accurate, she has a difficult mother and a passive father. And by the way, your "sweet" brother is equally responsible for raising this child, as silence equals consent.

Where is your compassion?

My sister was a handful as a kid and angsty as a teen. She is now a Lutheran pastor and is friendly, warm and outgoing. Glad my extended family didn't write her off in her early years.

Agreed.

Larla is also the youngest of the bunch she probably feels she has to act out a little to fit in.

I also doubt your daughters are totally innocent in the squabbles. I would suggest you disengage and let them work it out.

Sigh. Or maybe it's just Larla. Sometimes there are just shitty people who are shitty when they are young and shitty when they are older.

Good luck, OP, you are going to get a shit storm of posts about how your children really are the problem blah blah blah.

Honestly, don't think there is a good route for you here. If you want a relationship with DB, you have to deal with SIL and Larla. To exclude Larla is not nice, even if she really is always going to be this way. It's the high road (deal and leave early when necessary as you have been doing) or just reduce contact. Once Larla is older, if she continues to be a pill, she may not *want* to be part of things and you may get time with the nephew without her anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. The kid is 10.5. Give her a break. If your version of events is accurate, she has a difficult mother and a passive father. And by the way, your "sweet" brother is equally responsible for raising this child, as silence equals consent.

Where is your compassion?

My sister was a handful as a kid and angsty as a teen. She is now a Lutheran pastor and is friendly, warm and outgoing. Glad my extended family didn't write her off in her early years.

Agreed.

Larla is also the youngest of the bunch she probably feels she has to act out a little to fit in.

I also doubt your daughters are totally innocent in the squabbles. I would suggest you disengage and let them work it out.

Sigh. Or maybe it's just Larla. Sometimes there are just shitty people who are shitty when they are young and shitty when they are older.

Good luck, OP, you are going to get a shit storm of posts about how your children really are the problem blah blah blah.

Honestly, don't think there is a good route for you here. If you want a relationship with DB, you have to deal with SIL and Larla. To exclude Larla is not nice, even if she really is always going to be this way. It's the high road (deal and leave early when necessary as you have been doing) or just reduce contact. Once Larla is older, if she continues to be a pill, she may not *want* to be part of things and you may get time with the nephew without her anyway.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow. The kid is 10.5. Give her a break. If your version of events is accurate, she has a difficult mother and a passive father. And by the way, your "sweet" brother is equally responsible for raising this child, as silence equals consent.

Where is your compassion?

My sister was a handful as a kid and angsty as a teen. She is now a Lutheran pastor and is friendly, warm and outgoing. Glad my extended family didn't write her off in her early years.

+1. OP, you sound like one of those women with a bad case of internalized misogyny who everyone hates. Isn't it convenient that all the females in your brother's family are just awful, but the males are so swell? Your brother is this girl's father and, according to your own post, does nothing to address his daughter's behavior, but her behavior is conveniently all the wife's fault. And now, like the mean girl you are, you're looking to exclude a child. You're a real piece of work.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for the replies. I realize I left out something because to me it's obvious, but I should have said it so PPs know I recognize it--my sweet DB is not swell, I agree with a PP that he is 1/2 the problem because he has no spine. That's why his wife is the way she is (I watched that dynamic get worse over the years), and that's why his DD is the way she is. And I don't know about my DB, but the DW and Larla seem permanently malcontent.

That being said, I'm with 14:46 and 14:55 in that I've been trying to make this work for over a decade and I should throw in the towel. I didn't want to throw the baby out with the bath water, though (meaning, the sweet boy cousin). And really there is no nice way to get just the boy over here. And as bratty as the girl is (and I stand by that, no internalized misogyny here, sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, 22:01) anyways as bratty as she is, she's just a kid, and I don't want to do anything to hurt her feelings.

[Anonymous]

Just a tip on your issue with almost saying to her "hey, don't talk to your father that way." You could have gotten away with saying, "In this house, everyone has to speak respectfully to everyone else. Why don't you try again?" or "The house rule is that we are all respectful to each other."

[Anonymous]

Similar sitch here. The girl is a pill. Everyone manages her by not managing her. Wish only the male cousin could visit. Can't find a way to ask, being that everyone is in denial.