Best/worst time to move once kids are in school?

[Anonymous]

I think moving while kids are still little is best, but that has passed us by.

We've lived in a particular part of DC for 8 years. Before that, lived in a different part of the DC area. happily. I still don't feel settled after 8 years, and don't feel like we've "found our people" despite really trying (joining church, joining pool, swim team, volunteering at school, being friendly with kids' friends' parents...). we have lots of great acquaintances, but we were hoping for family bbq's, occasional girls' night out (well, that's for me), etc. Dinner out with another couple. It's just not happening.

When I think about our previous set of friends locally - most/all moved away from the DC area. It's expensive and competitive, and they were looking for a different lifestyle. We were lucky in the housing market and got lucky/worked towards well-paying jobs with manageable hours. The other parents we meet are either late baby boomers (we're Gen X) or first generation immigrants who stick together and don't socialize the way we do.

We're considering moving to a different part of DC and starting over. Commutes would get better, not worse (but not dramatically). We just don't know if 1. our kids are too old to make this a net positive move or 2. the positives that we do have here aren't worth giving up (love our actual house, older DD has some great friends, our elementary school has positive vibe).

Some additional issues: Neighbors (on street) are unfriendly/crazy/actually mean. We are geographically disconnected from most of neighborhood (I know that sounds weird), so the street's culture has a high impact. Lots of conspicuous consumption, which is not our thing.

Kids, both girls, are rising 3rd and 5th grade. Not sure what to do. I wouldn't want to impulsively move this summer, even if that would be ideal timing.

[Anonymous]

The sooner the better. We moved when I was in 7th grade and it was just awful.

[Anonymous]

This actually would be a great time even though it'd be a rush. The kids could start in a new school and your oldest DD would have an entire yr with her 5th grade peers who she'd presumably move to middle school with so it wouldn't be like getting thrown into a new middle school with no friends at all.

I don't think this is a big deal regardless though I'm sure many will disagree. Moved a ton when I was a kid -- I adjusted every time. Had classmates who moved in at awkward times -- like in the last week of 7th grade -- and they also adjusted just fine. I think the more you make a big emotional deal of this, the more it becomes a big deal to a kid. When you make it -- this is what it is, we're moving, you'll be at x school now -- the kid finds a way to make it work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The sooner the better. We moved when I was in 7th grade and it was just awful.

I moved both in 6th grade and then 8th grade and then again during high school. I have so much social anxiety now it's hard to function.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The sooner the better. We moved when I was in 7th grade and it was just awful.

I moved both in 6th grade and then 8th grade and then again during high school. I have so much social anxiety now it's hard to function.

Me too on all counts. Do you think your anxiety is caused by the moving around and failing to establish deep friendships? Is this a common cause?

[Anonymous]

Your kids are at the tail end of the good ages to move.

Kids are still friendly and welcoming to newcomers in elementary.

Do it this summer. 6th or 7th it will be very difficult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The sooner the better. We moved when I was in 7th grade and it was just awful.

I moved both in 6th grade and then 8th grade and then again during high school. I have so much social anxiety now it's hard to function.

Me too on all counts. Do you think your anxiety is caused by the moving around and failing to establish deep friendships? Is this a common cause?

PP, here, I also moved in 3rd grade and 4th grade. So yes, I completely think my social anxiety and my need to not be in crowds of people or meet new people is a sort of defense mechanism that is because of moving so much. Now that I'm older I realize how damaging the moves were to my ability to blend in and make/keep friends. I get along well with people at work, however I really have incredible anxiety going into meetings or new places. With all of the reports that have been released on the past month discussing how terrible it is to move children around, there is no doubt in my mind it had a horrible affect on me.

[Anonymous]

We moved twice as a kid, in December both times. First time was in kindergarten and it wasn't too big a deal though I liked my old school better. Then we moved again in 5th grade which was much much harder. The kids at my new school were not very nice, the teacher was brand new out of college and not experienced in anything, we were geographically rural which was a huge adjustment in and of itself but I went from walking to school with neighborhood friends to no neighborhood and spending 45 min each way on the bus (first on in the morning, last off in the afternoon which was stupid). I had a lot of anxiety for a long time as a result. If you decide to move, at least move to a neighborhood with similar aged kids and help foster those relationships.

[Anonymous]

Definitely sooner rather than later. It might also help, especially with the older one, if you can help them understand the reasons for the move.

My DS's friend, a rising 6th grader, is moving this summer out of state. He also has a rising 8th grade brother. Horrible time to move IMO, but they are doing it to move near grandparents who need more support so the larger family goals are clear. The parents are keeping the communication open, emphasizing the benefits to their family, and will be really supportive in helping them make new friends. But still, seeing the kids running around and having a blast together at their year-end party last night was making me really sad for the kids. They've been part of a really tight group since preschool.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The sooner the better. We moved when I was in 7th grade and it was just awful.

I moved both in 6th grade and then 8th grade and then again during high school. I have so much social anxiety now it's hard to function.

Me too on all counts. Do you think your anxiety is caused by the moving around and failing to establish deep friendships? Is this a common cause?

PP, here, I also moved in 3rd grade and 4th grade. So yes, I completely think my social anxiety and my need to not be in crowds of people or meet new people is a sort of defense mechanism that is because of moving so much. Now that I'm older I realize how damaging the moves were to my ability to blend in and make/keep friends. I get along well with people at work, however I really have incredible anxiety going into meetings or new places. With all of the reports that have been released on the past month discussing how terrible it is to move children around, there is no doubt in my mind it had a horrible affect on me.

I don't discount your experience, but it is not universal. I know quite a few military kids who say they are more outgoing and good at making new friends because they moved a lot. I think it depends on the kid's underlying personality. Also, that European study that showed bad outcomes for kids that moved didn't control for other factors that caused the moves -- death, divorce, economic insecurity, etc, which seems like a major flaw to me. If they'd done a study of kids in otherwise stable families who moved, I'd take it more seriously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The sooner the better. We moved when I was in 7th grade and it was just awful.

I moved both in 6th grade and then 8th grade and then again during high school. I have so much social anxiety now it's hard to function.

Me too on all counts. Do you think your anxiety is caused by the moving around and failing to establish deep friendships? Is this a common cause?

PP, here, I also moved in 3rd grade and 4th grade. So yes, I completely think my social anxiety and my need to not be in crowds of people or meet new people is a sort of defense mechanism that is because of moving so much. Now that I'm older I realize how damaging the moves were to my ability to blend in and make/keep friends. I get along well with people at work, however I really have incredible anxiety going into meetings or new places. With all of the reports that have been released on the past month discussing how terrible it is to move children around, there is no doubt in my mind it had a horrible affect on me.

I don't discount your experience, but it is not universal. I know quite a few military kids who say they are more outgoing and good at making new friends because they moved a lot. I think it depends on the kid's underlying personality. Also, that European study that showed bad outcomes for kids that moved didn't control for other factors that caused the moves -- death, divorce, economic insecurity, etc, which seems like a major flaw to me. If they'd done a study of kids in otherwise stable families who moved, I'd take it more seriously.

I was the first poster who posted about moving in 7th grade (midway through the school year, not even over the summer!) and we had also moved in 3rd - at the end of 3rd - so I finished out 3rd grade at one school and started 4th at another. That wasn't as bad. 3rd grade is the latest I would personally move a child if they had to start in a new school. However in both circumstances, we moved to places where "new kids" in school were relatively rare - small towns where a lot of people did K-12 in the same school system and their parents graduated from there too and their grandparents lived one town over or whatever. Maybe around here with a larger and more transient population, it's different and there are more new kids every year and you wouldn't feel like such an outlier.

I wouldn't say I have social anxiety as a result of moving but I definitely have a hard time opening up to people, trusting people, and making friends. I made friends at my new school that I started in 7th grade eventually, but many of them had known each other since early elementary school so I always felt like an outsider to an extent.

[Anonymous]

My kids moved this summer (cross country)- rising fourth, third and first graders. They moved from a non neighborhood setting into a neighborhood filled with kids and after being here only two weeks they all have a big group of both girl and boy friends all of whom will be going to their school - I couldn't be more relieved. They are excited to start school and spend the day roaming the neighborhood or having friends at our house. The move has been a really positive thing for them socially.

[Anonymous]

I think it depends on the school they are moving too. I moved from an awful school to a great one in the 9th grade and I loved it. I missed my old friends but my new school offered so much more.

[Anonymous]

How do you know the new place will have friends for you all? Unless there's something else you like about the place you're moving to (easier commute, better schools, nicer house) I wouldn't bother making the move. I'd just invite people over that I actually like and ignore the neighbors I don't like.

FWIW, I moved at age 14 and again at age 15. I didn't want to move each time, but I was fine with it after a few months. I don't have any social anxiety.

[Anonymous]

PP, the people we meet that we like have zero time to get together, ever. They are consumed with kids' activities and do not socialize as families/couples, except rarely with established close friends. As I mentioned in my original post, most people here are very different from us. I don't want to mention ethnicity, etc, but please trust that culturally, there are different ways of socializing, and a huge swath of the folks here do not socialize the way we do.

For example, to remove ethnicity/national origin, etc: a couple who would be a good match for us would be: 42 years old (both), one an attorney, one working for an association. Have an inside joke about "that time at the hostel". Like to discuss politics, but not all the time. Taking their kids to Yellowstone, but considering going back to a nice beach vacation next year.

Instead, meet a couple with 58 year old dad who is very established partner in big law firm. Never home to socialize. Wife is second wife and 38. Complains about spoiled teenage step-kids while spoiling own children. Conversations with husband are awkward, because he isn't interested in meeting new people/doesn't deem us worthy of time. Going to resort for spring break, Europe for two weeks this summer, and Vail for winter break.

We would be considering moving to Fairfax County - I believe elementary school goes up to 6th grade? At least some of the time? Would that buy us an extra year? I'd rather give staying here a last really hard push, and meanwhile make those little repairs/upgrades that would be required to sell the house (that we would enjoy anyway).