Scared I'm going to regret having a baby

[Anonymous]

Since I'm due in a few weeks it's a little late to be worrying about this... but--my husband and I have a wonderful relationship. Before TTC we talked a lot about what it could mean for our relationship and our lives and were very open about our feelings. It took us awhile to get pregnant and I was so thrilled when we did, and have been happy and excited throughout the pregnancy. We both have very flexible jobs and are taking a good amount of maternity/paternity leave. We are pretty organized--have a pediatrician we're really happy with, have the "stuff" we need, etc. We're ready for this.

But in the last couple days I've started getting really anxious, thinking, what if I have this baby and regret it? What if we made the wrong decision? What if he is thrilled to be a father and is a wonderful dad (which I think will happen, on both counts), and I'm a crappy mom and am miserable with it? I worry in particular about how it will affect our relationship, whether we'll still hold hands all the time like we do now, say goofy things to each other, have a closeness (beyond just sex) that means so much to me.

I don't really know what I'm asking for here--just wondering if others have gone through this and if you have any advice or reactions. And whether you still felt totally in love post-baby, and if there were certain things that helped.

[Anonymous]

I can assure you, if you think your husband is this great now (and he surely sounds like it) you will only love him that much more when you see him with your new baby. Seriously, I love my husband more than anything and worried about the same things. We were happy before the baby and kept a very busy social calendar. We're still so happy together now (she's 9 months), which includes hand holding, saying I love you and joking around like we used to. And there's nothing sexier than when he sings to her and just does anything he can to make her smile. It was an adjustment to be sure, but you'll be terrific. And the fact that you're even worried about being a crappy mom probably means you're not going to be. Enjoy the rest of your pregnancy and the awesome days, months, years that will follow the birth.

[Anonymous]

After your first month, or so, start having one special evening out for a 'date night.' Do you have any nearby family or friends who can help with childcare?

[Anonymous]

Yes, motherhood can be brutal and yes you do lose a lot of freedoms. BUT it is the (second!) oldest profession for a reason. It is the most rewarding, intense, extraordinary experience ever. Not every day. Not even every week. But when you feel that craaazy love for your kid you will be glad you chose to be a parent.

As for your nervousness and doubts. TOTALLY normal. I had them, too. Unfortunately, the self-doubt about your skills as a mom will probably not go away when the baby pops out! But don't worry too much. You are normal to have this reaction. It is especially typical of couples with TTC issues. Such build up that you are scared that you idealized something and will be disappointed.

The marriage stuff will take work. It does for all of us. But it sounds like you are committed to staying close with your DH and I think you will be fine. Just TALK a lot and include him in your thoughts and try to have dates and sex as much as you can!

[Anonymous]

I have to admit that the first year of our daughters life was not the best for our relationship, however it was also a very travel intensive year for DH which made it all worse. But by our daughter's first birthday things had really shaken out, and we are even better than we were before she was born. Parenthood is definitely a big adjustment, but it really is worth it - and I agree with the PP that (a) you will love your husband even more watching him love your child, and (b) worrying about being a crappy mom puts you well on your way to being a great one.

I'd also suggest reading the 'did you identify with your baby' (or something like that) thread. Those early days with a newborn can be really really tough, but knowing it's normal - and that it passes! - can help.

[Anonymous]

Even though having a baby may have put a few nails in the coffin of our relationship, the loss of my marriage would be NOTHING compared to the loss of my child. I wasn't all that in to the idea of being a mother, but hey, everyone else was doing it, the time was right, he wanted kids, etc etc. Now that we have our child, I would walk away from my marriage and anything else in a heartbeat, if it was advantageous for my little one. She is everything.

This is meant to be comforting, by the way. I know it might not seem that way. What I mean to say is, even if the worst happens, and your relationship suffers as a result of having a child (as mine did), you won't regret it.

[Anonymous]

I can assure you, if you think your husband is this great now (and he surely sounds like it) you will only love him that much more when you see him with your new baby. Seriously, I love my husband more than anything and worried about the same things. We were happy before the baby and kept a very busy social calendar. We're still so happy together now (she's 9 months), which includes hand holding, saying I love you and joking around like we used to. And there's nothing sexier than when he sings to her and just does anything he can to make her smile. It was an adjustment to be sure, but you'll be terrific. And the fact that you're even worried about being a crappy mom probably means you're not going to be. Enjoy the rest of your pregnancy and the awesome days, months, years that will follow the birth.

Ditto on all counts!

[Anonymous]

Look, no matter what you choose, you may get buyer's remorse Baby, or not?

As the PPs have alluded to, think about a year or 10 down the road and wonder whether you've done the right thing. Especially with spouse (or career).

I think most people (myself included) would say "wow, I didn't know it would be that hard! But I wouldn't change it either."

Things change, if you have a good spouse, you adapt (and so does he). I have a number of items I'd change about mine. But I also wouldn't trade him in for anything...except mythical man-perfectionl.

I love my two kids and my spouse. But wow, I miss the days when just getting to 8 am wasn't a saga.

[Anonymous]

Motherhood (and parenthood) is a thankless job - BUT it is so rewarding at the same time.

Despite all the challenges and frustrations you will find joy. And for that, I wouldn't trade my vocation for anything.

[Anonymous]

I had a lot of the same concerns - in fact, we went to counseling to talk about having kids in the first place because I wasnt sure. As PPs have said, you will fall in love with your child and it will be worth it.

But please give yourself some time, and dont be too hard on yourself or second guess your decision right away. You wont necessarily feel this flood of love for your child when he or she arrives - s/he will be needy, possibly pretty banged up and not very interesting. And the first few months are all about survival - you may not have a lot of time for your relationship with your DH. You may not even want to cuddle, after spending all day being clung to by an infant (esp if you're breastfeeding, and if your little one prefers to sleep on you). And you'll both want alone time with the baby, which wont leave much time for each other if you value sleep.

But after a few months, when you get the hang of motherhood and start getting a litlte sleep, you will undoubtedly (if you havent already) look up and realize you are in love with your child, and your husband will be too. You'll begin to see your marriage in a whole new light - you're not just best friends anymore, but your own little family. It's pretty amazing. Just go easy on yourself at first, and agree with your husband that you'll cut each other some slack in the early months.

[Anonymous]

You will get on each other's nerve. You will feel the need to be by yourself. You will scream at each other like never before. But then you get over it. Parenthood is stressful, but if you have a solid foundation to start with, you are home free.

[Anonymous]

Another thing to keep in mind is that there are all kinds of hormones flushing through your body right now, and it is not surprising that you might be feeling anxious about how this enormous change on the horizon will affect you. But try not to let the anxious feelings gain too much ground, and instead try to enjoy yourself. (And I hated it when people told me this when I was nearing the end of my pregnancy, but sleep! No matter how difficult sleep seems now given your enormous belly and heartburn and insomnia, it will seem so much easier in retrospect!)

[Anonymous]

OP. Thank you so much for posting. I'm due in about two weeks. I love my DH, I love our life, and I have to say I've had some of the same thoughts as you. Happy to hear that other normal people think the same things. Our life is about to be turned upsdie down and I hate change. But i know, as you probably do, that this is gonna be awesome! Have fun!

[Anonymous]

OP here--thanks everyone for your kind words and your thoughts, I really appreciate them. To the pp who is also nearing her due date--I am glad to know I'm not the only one who feels this way! It's a relief to know this is normal and I'm not completely loony.

Some of what all of you say scares me even more, I confess (though I know that wasn't the intention at all)--like the lack of sleep and general exhaustion, and even the likelihood of loving your child more than your spouse. But I also know that most people seem to get so much out of being parents, and I have to have faith that especially having a great relationship now, assuming we keep working on it, we'll still be great afterwards--even if there will be some bumps along the way.

Unfortunately we don't have a great family/friend support system (we recently moved away from DC and are new to our area), but we are committed to date nights starting at some point, and I know we'll make them work somehow.

I'm off to try and get some sleep while I still can (in theory at least) but I'll check back on this thread in the morning. Thanks again.

[Anonymous]

OP, you have a classic case of cold feet. Every single person on this board went through it too, at some point, during a first pregnancy.

Some have it a lot worse than others, some are just better at denial than others, some people are not as verbal or as "in touch with their feelings" as you are, some have truly just forgotten.

You, your DH and your marriage, will be fine. None will be the same as they are now, but all will be just fine and hopefully, even better than they are today as a result of this baby. Remember this feeling and in the future, use to comfort others in the same situation!