Scared I'm going to regret having a baby

[Anonymous]

To the OP- a big fat ditto on everything people have said.

And to everyone else, thanks for making this thread so wonderful. It warmed my heart to read the posts. Parenthood is wonderful. No matter what we deal with.

[Anonymous]

I think the first day home from the hospital, I honestly could only think "what have we done????"" And there are a few days I have longed for my easy, care-free, childless days. But honestly, the love you will feel for your child will totally eclipse any of those thoughts. While I miss sleeping in, I'd trade in anything in the world for my child. It's strange. It's like you found the missing piece to your life - but you never knew that piece was missing.

As far as your relationship with your husband, it could change. I won't lie. The first year is really, really hard. How it impacts you will depend on both you and your husband. But honestly, even if it gets rough, I think for most (not all) couples it makes them stronger in the long run. It did for us. You may want to pick-up a copy of Babyproofing your Marriage. It's a good read. I wish I had read it earlier. But of course, there's always those couples that get through it without a glich.

[Anonymous]

I worried, too, but now, my little baby girl is so wonderful in so many ways, it often takes my breath away. And ditto pps about how you appreciate DH more. Now, seeing him with her is the most beautiful thing--I couldn't have imagined how that would make me feel. So don't worry--your feelings are normal and you won't regret it. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Even though having a baby may have put a few nails in the coffin of our relationship, the loss of my marriage would be NOTHING compared to the loss of my child. I wasn't all that in to the idea of being a mother, but hey, everyone else was doing it, the time was right, he wanted kids, etc etc. Now that we have our child, I would walk away from my marriage and anything else in a heartbeat, if it was advantageous for my little one. She is everything.

This is meant to be comforting, by the way. I know it might not seem that way. What I mean to say is, even if the worst happens, and your relationship suffers as a result of having a child (as mine did), you won't regret it.

I second this. Could have written it myself. The minute my DD was born, nothing else in the world mattered. And, I never wanted kids until about 10 months before she was born. It is and always will be the best decision I ever made in my life.

[Anonymous]

Agree with a lot that's been said, but you have to experience it yourself. You just won't understand. I had the same concerns - namely, am I ready to stop being selfish? I love having my sleep, my workout time, time to veg out, etc. and baby changes that but you adapt.

In a matter of minutes, hours, then days and weeks you will be amazed by how much you love your baby. It's still a struggle to find balance but you can make it happen. Don't be afraid to ask for things - from your husband, and from work. I negotiated a reduced hours schedule which really helped. It was hard for my husband to figure out how best to help at first, I was breastfeeding and the default was just for me to do everything, but we learned and got a system going and he is so much more helpful now.

You will figure out it. But you won't figure it out while you are pregnant!

[Anonymous]

To all PP's, I'm not the OP but am so thankful for your words. I'm 39w2d right now and am having terrible second thoughts, cold feet, whatever you want to call it. Course it's too late to do anything about it, but I waver between fear that I'm going to regret having the baby to fear that I will take my anger/regret out on the child!

I'm glad to know that this is not abnormal and that things will change once the baby arrives.

[Anonymous]

Lots of good advice. Here are my thoughts..keep expectations low because it is hard at first and thinking will be perfect tends to make you feel worse if that makes sense. Also..whether is takes a day or a year, you will love this baby and you will love this baby so much that it will bring tears to your eyes just thinking about how much love you have. You will suddently understand what it means to truly truly truly love and it is different from how you feel about your husband or your family--not that you love them less but it is such a suprising love that it almost knocks you off your feet when it hits you and again..it hits everyone at different points. You will also say in a year or two, when life calms down, that you cannot imagine your life without this person and what were you waiting for. I feel like my entire life was a warmup for motherhood and I am someone who had the huge career and continues to have a career albeit a bit slower--this is the best thing I have every done and ever will do.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

It is hard. There is no getting around it. But you will not regret having a baby. Really.

[Anonymous]

i love my husband way more now than I did pre-baby. Watching him with our girls melts my heart. He's both gentle and masculine at the same time. Honestly, he's so much sexier to me now.

That's not to say it can't be tough. Our relationship was very, very strong until our first hit the terrible twos and our sweet kid turned into a terror overnight. Those were rough times! But we got through it together. You have to make time for just the two of you and talk about something other than the kid. Keep up your friendships and hobbies and you will both be fine.

[Anonymous]

OP-- I just read this thread and could have written it myself a year ago. On mother's day last year (9 mos preg) we went away and I cried b/c I was so worried about how our relationship would change. I'd heard of so many people who fought and fought during the first year.

FF a year, and we are so happy. It's been the best year of our 8 year marriage. I think b/c we are both active parents and support one another. Sounds like you and DH have that already and will be great parents with a sound relationship. Best wishes to you.

[Anonymous]

I had the same thing. I think I cried every day for the last month of my pregnancy. I was so scared to change what was a good thing.
I think it depends on the baby to some degree. My DD (13 months) is a really, really difficult child. It has put a lot of strain on our relationship, but we had a solid foundation so we're getting through it. There are some happy times, but more often than not we're just plain exhausted all the time (we are lucky if we have sex once a month). I think I have it by far the worst of many of my friends who had babies around the same time. All of their babies are easier and they don't have nearly the level of exhaustion (mental and physical) that we do. I hope yours is one of those!

[Anonymous]

PP here -- I meant to add that despite all of this I don't regret having the baby. I do wistfully think of the life I had before though. : )

[Anonymous]

19:52--I should add that I too get wistful for pre pregnancy days sometimes. But, my relationship with DH is still great. And, I would second the recommendations for date nights. They help a lot.

[Sabray]

RELAX....
This happens to every woman who is giving birth for the first time. You feel insecure, uncertain and so on. It is VERY normal to feel this way.

Once your baby is born you may still feel pangs of anxiety...but the overwhelming natural love you will feel once you hold that baby in your arms will reassure you that it was meant to be.

As far as your marriage...It take work. More so once you have children. Just remember to make your marriage a priority as it is what will make you both the parents you give to your child.

Best wishes!

[Anonymous]

You will not regret it -- even though in the short term, you may well wonder "What have I done???"

I was like the PP -- I saw all these women who seemed to just burst into mommydom full of smiles and confidence, as if the best thing in the world had just happened to them. And for me, I felt really lost. I thought, "God, did I have a child just because I thought as a woman, I SHOULD? Did I REALLY want this?" Its a terrible way to feel about your baby. Trust me when I say, I got over it. I LOVE my kids, and I cannot fathom my life without them. But the transition was rough... and I spent lots of time analyzing why it was so hard for me.

I'm not sure this is the answer for everyone, but I think it is for me. When you ask most mothers (in a non-business setting), "Who are you?" They will almost always answer, "I'm a mom." Frequently working mothers may also say, "I'm a CPA and a mother of two." but the fact is, being a mom becomes WHO YOU ARE. I wonder how these people would have answered that question before they had kids? But I think the answer is telling. Parenthood changes how we identify OURSELVES.

For me, I had spend the better part of 15 years studying, going to law school, and becoming an accomplished lawyer. I identified myself as a "lawyer", and everything that went with it. I could multi-task, I could handle clients, I could handle judges, I could work harder than anyone, I could do ANYTHING! I was SUPERLAWYER. And then the baby came, and suddenly I couldn't even shower regularly. I seemed to have left my brain at the hospital, I didn't know how to change a diaper, and I couldn't get the hang of breastfeeding.

So, in my mind, I went from this immensely capable smart person, to a crying, sleep deprived, mess doing something I was really not very good at.

I think a lot of women in today's world go through some sort of transformation like this, and it isn't always pretty. Think about how you identify yourself... are you a lawyer? an athlete? a "fun" person who goes out all the time? The reality is, that this WILL CHANGE when the baby comes. At least in the short term. So think about that transition ahead of time... recognize you are going to lose that identity somewhat, but that it will be replaced with something wonderful. And -- the best part -- you can get your mojo back. As a mother of two, I am still a lawyer, and although I've made some concessions with my law practice, I'm happy to report that I found my brain again (apparently it dropped over the side of the crib one night).

You may not be like me. You may be like any number of my friends who took an instantaneous look at their baby and felt complete, and happy, and confident... like motherhood was something so natural to them.

But if you're not... don't worry. It will come. And no, you will not regret it. My children are the most wonderful beings in the entire world. They make me crazy, and they also make me crack up almost daily.

Hang in there.