Scared I'm going to regret having a baby

[Anonymous]

Have an explicit and specific conversation about both of your expectations regarding how to share the new responsibilities. It's almost never enough to say "we'll be partners." You have to talk about how much he'll help overnight with the newborn, whether you expect him to cut his work hours to pick up from child care if applicable, who is responsible for researching the various things kids need-- schools, child care, etc. And who is responsible for house cleaning, though I strongly recommend that teh answer to that is CLEANING SERVICE.

It sounds strange to break a relationship down into groceries, doctor visits, errands, and pick up from school, but those things, when combined, are what can add up to gratitude or resentment; partnership in a new enterprise or loneliness.

And yes, go on dates and have sex. in my experience, it's hard to want to unless these other matters are handled first.

[Anonymous]

I think everyone else said what I wanted to say so:

1. DITTO everyone else

2. BIG HUG. It'll be ok. Really.

[Anonymous]

I have to say that I do hear often from moms that they don't "know what they'd do w/ out their little ones," etc. I do know what I would do/ be doing. I do find it exhausting on some days and the intimacy in my marriage has diminished tremendously. However, I knew that it would and expected it to a certain degree. Now that we are here, we have seen in articles about marriage w/ children and that the normal cycle (especially today w/ less familial/ social support) is that the parents turn their attention toward their children in the early years then come back together...not quite so black and white as that sounds, but you get the idea. I wouldn't change any of my parenting decisions, like breastfeeding or gradual sleep training (although both of these were at great expenses to me at times). I am proud of who my child is becoming and becoming a parent has given me a confidence too that wasn't there before. It's all great.

There is a great book though that just came out called "bad mommy" which sounds funny and thought provoking about the confessions of a middle/ upper middle class woman/ mother. The big thing is she confesses to loving her husband more than her children. Maybe you could check it out. She sounds happy and has well adjusted good kids, but seems to have struck a balance...and she still has great sex w/ her husband. You'll do fine no matter what as long as you and your partner are flexible and dedicated to each other. Congratulations!! You are in for some amazing surprises (in a good way). The tough stuff, well, you just do it and survive it.

[Anonymous]

I'd also consider talking about boundaries with the in-laws. Children change that dynamic as well.

[Anonymous]

Here's what no one really tells you -- and you'll quickly discover on your own: the first several weeks/months with a newborn are really, really hard -- for you, for your spouse, for your relationship. But you will get through it. Everyone will be tired. When folks get tired, they get snappish. When couples snap at eachother, feelings get hurt. Funny true story: 6 weeks after I had #1, my BIL asked me if DH and I were having hallway sex yet. I was dumbfounded and then he explained that hallway sex is when exhausted new parents pass eachother in the hallway in the middle of the night while one parent is changing the baby's diaper and the other is getting a bottle ready and they exchange "F-you's" --- hilarious, and true. Veteran parents anticipate this difficult time and it's so much easier to deal with when you have your second child. Will your relationship change? Of course it will. Instead of focusing 100% on each other you will focus 100% on the baby (at least initially). But you'll become a "family" -- and you'll have new adventures -- and you'll bond in a totally new way as parents. Enjoy the ride.

[Anonymous]

Being a Mom is soooooooooooooo hard, but SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO worth it and really the most amazing thing ever. Nothing makes you feel better when your baby sees you and just starts laughing becasue you are there.

I think I am going to go give my sleeping DS a kiss now. Oh, and another thing...it is addicting kissing them!!!!

[Anonymous]

I think it's normal to be nervous and sad at the end of an era. (I'm having some mixed emotions now, as I'm expecting #2.) And this is definitely the end of an era for you -- and the immediate future could be really hard. BUT, in my experience, you get through the grueling newborn stage, you keep the lines of communication open with your spouse, you work at keeping a sense of humor, and in the end, you end up with a "new normal" that holds a new, unique and amazing kind of love and happiness. I know I couldn't even quite imagine it before. It's a new stage, and you may always find you miss the old one at times, but you'll appreciate so much about the new -- we laugh sometimes when we see our childless friends going out! without babysitters! so carefree! and think, was that ever us? What did we DO with all that freedom? But our daughter brings us so much joy, and in the end, parenthood has made our marriage so much richer, that we have no regrets.

Good luck, and as others have said, don't worry if you're not 100% thrilled the moment you see the baby. I was happy, kind of in the abstract, but sleep deprivation and anxiety kept me from really enjoying motherhood until about 5 months in. When other moms rhapsodize about their maternal bonding with their 2-day-old, when people tell you to "cherish every moment!" as you're holding a squalling newborn, you can tell them to shut up. It will get better; it will get wonderful.

[Anonymous]

My opinion for what its worth:

Its totally healthy and normal to have these feelings. Agree that sharing/communication is key to feeling better. The fact that you are aware that things will change and that you are concerned about it proves that you will likely work hard at keeping your marriage fun exciting and supportive. I find people that expect everyone to be in love with them unconditionally a bit naive and fail to appreciate that it takes work. You have the right attitude going in and are a good role model to others in your shoes. You are excited but you want to hold onto some of your independence and time along with husband. You can find those moments with a family or friend babysitter etc. Make the time to do that and you will be happier.

Knowing what you feel and need is a big help in staying happy. Don't be afraid to share your feelings and ask for help. And don't feel guilty for taking some moments for yourself. I find my marriage is best when I myself am happy. And motherhood is NOT always so hard-it depends a lot on the baby and you don't even know yet if your baby will be challenging. I had so many worries as a prego about what parenthood would be like that have NOT come true. Its actually easier than I thought it would be (a least so far-DD 7mo.)