Ugly mom with pretty daughter - help me

[Anonymous]

Women always talk about being harassed on the street, cat-calling, etc. That has never happened to me. I am ugly. But I have a pretty 13 yr old who is now going places on her own around town, and sometimes she is harassed. I am not really sure what to tell her. Yesterday she was meeting me at work and told me a man followed her for two blocks. I suggested maybe he was just going in the same direction, since they were on a major street many people travel on.

What do I tell her? Ignore? Call them out? Call the police? One time she told me that a man kept trying to flirt with her so she finally told him she was a lesbian so he'd leave her alone. Was this a good idea since it worked, even though she lied? I just have zero experience in this area.

[Anonymous]

You have literally never had unwanted attention in your entire life? I am no looker myself but find this hard to believe.

[Anonymous]

Ignore. Call the police if she feels threatened.

[Anonymous]

I had this experience as a teen as well. Not pretty now, but I had a pretty phase as a teen an I looked older than I was which didn't help. It could be scary, especially when significantly older men would approach me in the grocery store when I was buying juice boxes. I usually told them I was married which generally worked (in the 80s, might now work now.) At the mall I would duck into a store. Ultimately, you need to empower her to say no I'm not interested, or I'm here with my boyfriend (it's ok if she lies!) And teach her to give a fake name. My mother didn't teach me that. I learned it from a couple of kids at a public bus stop after I'd been followed by a gas station attendant for two blocks and he asked my name. It didn't occur to me not to answer the question. The other two kids asked why I gave him my name which made me go oh duh, that was dumb.

100% ok for her to have a set of lies to hand out but at the same time she needs to understand not everyone is a predator. Sometimes people really are just going the same way or saying hi to be friendly or whatever.

[Anonymous]

When I was thirteen I was followed around and hit on incessantly. I just ignored it. Welcome to womanhood. sigh. It's horrible.

I look at my almost 13-year-old daughter and wish I could put a big "UNDERAGE" sticker on her, much like the student driver stickers you put on cars.

[Anonymous]

Tell her to ignore it, and walk to an area where people are around if she feels in danger - whatever gut response is.

[Anonymous]

You need to empower her. I was a shy people pleaser and I can't tell you how angry I get now when I remember how badly I was harassed as a teen and a young woman. A man literally came into the store where I was working and said, "I want to smell your p---y" and all I could do was stand there, stunned.

She needs to know that she does not need to talk to anyone, answer any questions, and can tell anyone who is harassing her to f-ck off. Teach her to call the cops, alert security, or tell a manager, whoever, if she is being harassed.

I would not tell her to lie because that only encourages some men who are delighted to have started a conversation. Have her practice saying, No, politely but firmly.

[Anonymous]

You need to help her think out what she would do if the situation turned. Where does she go? Make sure she knows she can walk into an office building and ask the desk for help. Make sure she knows which homes in your neighborhood are safe. Make sure she knows that she can pretend to walk up to a home that isn't her's and get her keys out like she lives there. Make sure she knows she does not have to be polite but it is better not to engage.

[Anonymous]

Tell her men only think with their penis and they are pathetic little immature creatures and that she should just look at their crotch, laugh and roll her eyes.

[Anonymous]

Tell her to look at the men and say (with a straight face) "I'm 11 years old."

Repeat until she's 30!

[Anonymous]

You need to help her think out what she would do if the situation turned. Where does she go? Make sure she knows she can walk into an office building and ask the desk for help. Make sure she knows which homes in your neighborhood are safe. Make sure she knows that she can pretend to walk up to a home that isn't her's and get her keys out like she lives there. Make sure she knows she does not have to be polite but it is better not to engage.

I agree. You shouldn't have suggested the guy was just going in the same direction she was. That's rationalizing away her instinct that something was off. You both might benefit from reading the Gift of Fear.

[Anonymous]

Never ever tell her that her instincts were wrong. If she felt uncomfortable, she should be told to listen to that intuition. What I am telling my daughter to do is to find another woman, an adult woman and walk near her or next to her and if possible tell the woman that she is being harassed or followed. Think about it. If a 13 year old girl told you she was being followed or you could see that she was, you would walk with her or help her get on a bus or train to get home.

I was harassed relentlessly as a teen and as a young woman. Today, I got on the elevator at my office and a man from my building stared at my boobs for a couple of floors until I got off the elevator. It never ends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell her to look at the men and say (with a straight face) "I'm 11 years old."

Repeat until she's 30!

Yes. And add, "want me to call the police right now?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have literally never had unwanted attention in your entire life? I am no looker myself but find this hard to believe.

Not OP, but I haven't. I'm overweight. And I think invisible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Women always talk about being harassed on the street, cat-calling, etc. That has never happened to me. I am ugly. But I have a pretty 13 yr old who is now going places on her own around town, and sometimes she is harassed. I am not really sure what to tell her. Yesterday she was meeting me at work and told me a man followed her for two blocks. I suggested maybe he was just going in the same direction, since they were on a major street many people travel on.

What do I tell her? Ignore? Call them out? Call the police? One time she told me that a man kept trying to flirt with her so she finally told him she was a lesbian so he'd leave her alone. Was this a good idea since it worked, even though she lied? I just have zero experience in this area.

Start by believing and validating her.