Can anyone relate to this-dealing with elderly parent

[Anonymous]

I am the one who lives closest and I don't mind being the primary support person. (Not financially-my parents planned well for retirement). I benefitted from my kids enjoying seeing their grandparents often, grandparents babysitting etc, so I am happy to give back. My issue is the crap that comes with it. You know how sometimes as a kid you treat your mom poorly when you shouldn't? You might take things out on her by using a tone you shouldn't or you might be unappreciative and in teenage years hostile? Well all that is coming right back at me now that the tables are turned.

My mother can be downright nasty to me when stressed about my dad's health issues. (He just had surgery). I offer support (e.g. visiting so she can take a break, looking into to visiting nurses, etc) and one minute she berates me for being a "know it all" the next minute she is totally reliant on me to take over, then back to hostile. Yes, I think she too is aging, but cognitively I think she is sharp. She has always had a quick temper. Maybe the difference is I feel too guilty to call her on the nastiness because I know she feels really bad when she explodes and I know she has a lot of anxiety and he isn't any support.

My kids are tweens so I get this shit from both sides, but luckily my husband is supportive. Just typing this out makes me think I really need to refuse to tolerate the nastiness. I can help, but still expect respect. Anyone relate??

Oh and for anyone recommending therapy...no time for it. Would rather spend my money on a fancy smancy coffee at a café while I read a newspaper when I get time to myself and I have found exercise much more therapeutic than therapy in the past.

[Anonymous]

She's stressed out, worried, and emotionally hurting. That doesn't make it ok to take it out on you, but it's necessary to realize it as a way to explain things. It's not personal. Remind yourself that it's not personal. Tell yourself over and over again.

Tell your mom "I know you're hurting and stressed, but please don't do this."

And if she continued, then just step away.

Rinse, repeat. It may take time, but my experience with this is that eventually the stressed out elderly parent will temper their behavior at least a little.

Continue to remind yourself that it's not personal. Like your dad, she's also going through a lot right now.

[Anonymous]

As people age they get nasty. I was blessed to know all four of my great grandmothers, while I was an adult. They were nastiest to their caregivers. Honestly, I think we people get in their 80's, 90's they fear death on a daily basis, and they lash out.

[Anonymous]

I'm not the person who lives closest to my elderly father, so please take this for what it is worth. But try to remember, it goes so quickly. A few years ago I used to get frustrated with my dad, annoyed that he was cheap and self-involved etc etc. And four years from the last date I can really recall having that strong feeling (at a family event), he is now in full nursing care, with advanced Alzheimers, clueless and incontinent and sleepless and anxious. Despite great caregivers. They seem like they are going to live forever one minute, and before you know it, their life as they knew it will be behind them. I was never perfectly patient or understanding with my parents but if you can do better, you will live with fewer regrets.

[Anonymous]

I would call her out on it, but nicely, like pp suggested. If you do that several times and nothing changes, would your mom would be open to therapy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She's stressed out, worried, and emotionally hurting. That doesn't make it ok to take it out on you, but it's necessary to realize it as a way to explain things. It's not personal. Remind yourself that it's not personal. Tell yourself over and over again.

Tell your mom "I know you're hurting and stressed, but please don't do this."

And if she continued, then just step away.

Rinse, repeat. It may take time, but my experience with this is that eventually the stressed out elderly parent will temper their behavior at least a little.

Continue to remind yourself that it's not personal. Like your dad, she's also going through a lot right now.

+1,000

Very wise post, OP. Please heed it. -- From someone who has been there, and was glad later that I put aside momentary anger and did this exact "It's not personal" mantra.

[Anonymous]

You just described my mom and her relationships with me. My mom is in the same situation, taking care of Dad and he is difficult and ton of trouble and just nasty to her sometimes. All of that is of no dispute and as hard on her and all of us as can be. My mom deserves all the praise and consideration on that and many other accounts. But, her attitude towards me is downright nasty 50% of the time. I am to listen, to never ending complaints, but when I offer advice or even agree with her, it is what is wrong with me, how can I say that and walking away, accusing me of hating her etc.. She also twists my words in any way she can, I am not kidding. Your mom at least, you say, acknowledges her nastiness, mine is always a victim and I am the abuser. I am never sure what will set her off, sometimes nothing at all. Then accusations and "if she could die to make me happy, she would do it" start. What I try to do, is basically avoid everything, all topics as much as I can. I talk about the food and the weather, no joke. I am sorry you are going through this, it is hard. I had tried to get my mom to see somebody about either depression, anxiety, but that goes back to some 20 year old Dr assessment that she is not crazy. And I have two teens as well, so yeah on that side it is no picnic either. Hang in there.

[Anonymous]

My mom was so stressed when my dad had open heart surgery. One time she went food shopping, and then came home and handed me something to put in the garage. I put it there, then wandered back to the kitchen for the next instruction. She was like "Why are you just STANDING there like an idiot?! Be productive!" Then later, she started to ask me to put something away, but then ripped it out of my hands, and gave it to my brother saying "I forgot; Stacey's useless - you do it."

[Anonymous]

YES, I can relate.
I'm sorry you're going through this.

[Anonymous]

Yes, my moms mean streak definitely came out. But now we 3 kid last actually laugh about certain things, like the time she systematically picked us off and kicked us out of her hospital room one by one. You are bearing the brunt of it, but it's not personal - you're there and safe. She's completely defenseless. Try hard to let it slide off your back and enjoy the good times you have.

[Anonymous]

You ever read that article about who is at the center of the circle in a crisis? Your dad is very ill, your mom might lose her spouse. She is dumping on you to avoid dumping on him. And she is facing a far worse crisis than you, as hard as it is to see your parents age.

She's entitled to a little crazy. Bear with it, stand up for yourself if you must, but try to see how scared and vulnerable she is.

[Anonymous]

OP here. These posts are all so helpful. Thank you. I am sorry to hear others can relate, but I guess misery loves company. I learned a while ago to STOP being a people pleaser. You do what you feel is the right thing, but don't expect or need any praise. Easier said than done, but there is some comfort in knowing I am trying to do the best I can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You just described my mom and her relationships with me. My mom is in the same situation, taking care of Dad and he is difficult and ton of trouble and just nasty to her sometimes. All of that is of no dispute and as hard on her and all of us as can be. My mom deserves all the praise and consideration on that and many other accounts. But, her attitude towards me is downright nasty 50% of the time. I am to listen, to never ending complaints, but when I offer advice or even agree with her, it is what is wrong with me, how can I say that and walking away, accusing me of hating her etc.. She also twists my words in any way she can, I am not kidding. Your mom at least, you say, acknowledges her nastiness, mine is always a victim and I am the abuser. I am never sure what will set her off, sometimes nothing at all. Then accusations and "if she could die to make me happy, she would do it" start. What I try to do, is basically avoid everything, all topics as much as I can. I talk about the food and the weather, no joke. I am sorry you are going through this, it is hard. I had tried to get my mom to see somebody about either depression, anxiety, but that goes back to some 20 year old Dr assessment that she is not crazy. And I have two teens as well, so yeah on that side it is no picnic either. Hang in there.

OP here. That is rough. I hope she comes to appreciate you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I am the one who lives closest and I don't mind being the primary support person. (Not financially-my parents planned well for retirement). I benefitted from my kids enjoying seeing their grandparents often, grandparents babysitting etc, so I am happy to give back. My issue is the crap that comes with it. You know how sometimes as a kid you treat your mom poorly when you shouldn't? You might take things out on her by using a tone you shouldn't or you might be unappreciative and in teenage years hostile? Well all that is coming right back at me now that the tables are turned.

My mother can be downright nasty to me when stressed about my dad's health issues. (He just had surgery). I offer support (e.g. visiting so she can take a break, looking into to visiting nurses, etc) and one minute she berates me for being a "know it all" the next minute she is totally reliant on me to take over, then back to hostile. Yes, I think she too is aging, but cognitively I think she is sharp. She has always had a quick temper. Maybe the difference is I feel too guilty to call her on the nastiness because I know she feels really bad when she explodes and I know she has a lot of anxiety and he isn't any support.

My kids are tweens so I get this shit from both sides, but luckily my husband is supportive. Just typing this out makes me think I really need to refuse to tolerate the nastiness. I can help, but still expect respect. Anyone relate??

Oh and for anyone recommending therapy...no time for it. Would rather spend my money on a fancy smancy coffee at a café while I read a newspaper when I get time to myself and I have found exercise much more therapeutic than therapy in the past.

dear OP- you just described my mom about 18 months before she was diagnosed with dementia. You might ask her to let you talk to her dr.

[Anonymous]

I recommend the book How to Say it to Seniors by David Solie. I've read it because I'm a real estate agent who helps seniors sell their homes and downsize, but I really think it's helpful for anyone to read. It talks about the "developmental phases" seniors go through, and what they're really thinking and struggling with. It might help you to see her behavior in a different light and manage it differently. Good luck!