if you and spouse disagree about a major parenting issue

[Anonymous]

How did you resolve it? I am thinking specifically here if one parent wants to use a discipline technique that the other does not, or one parent wants to send the child to a school that the other does not. And you talk and talk and there is just a disagreement. How do you decide in situations where there is no real compromise--you either do the thing or you do not?

[Anonymous]

Mom wins. Kidding a little. But that seems to be how it shakes out.

[Anonymous]

I generally let it go in the moment of the event, then revisit it later with spouse once everyone is calm and collected.

[Anonymous]

I'm thinking about this, and while I think we work well together, we don't actually work together well.

I tend to back off if we have a disagreement and let his opinion "win" if I don't have a strong opinion. But if I have already made up my mind, then there is no changing my mind. I think I must have major communication issues.

Sometimes he lets me "win" too. As a unit, we function because mostly we are on the same page to start with.

[Anonymous]

If you just can't come to an agreement, make a deal. You get your discipline tactic and he gets his school choice.

[Anonymous]

My ex bought our daughter, who was 5 or 6, a pink rifle. I'm a gun-control democrat and I was NOT happy about it. I told him he needed to hide it away for the time being and we'd talk about it later.

(He's former military, now a civilian military contractor, owns licensed, registered weapons.)

Turns out he's already given it to her (she's 7) and I'm actually kind of pissed that he did it without discussing it, but it's not a battle I feel like fighting. I may keep the issue in my pocket and use it when there's something I want that he disagrees with me about.

Mostly we are fine; this is really the only major issue we have had in 8 years. We tend to agree and compromise when necessary.

[Anonymous]

Well we haven't come upon that in 24 years of parenting, but generally whoever feels most strongly gets final decision.

He didn't want our son to go to college across the country because he knew DS would be very homesick and wanting to fly back and forth a lot and calling all the time.

[Anonymous]

The woman wins because she will not stop nagging. A man will give in to almost anything to make a nagging woman stop

[Anonymous]

You pick what is best for the child. If one parent wants to indulge a temper tantrum and one wants to eliminate all expression of emotions, then you meet somewhere in the middle. If one parent wants private and one wants public then you discuss pros and cons. Is child's IQ high enough to warrant the expenditure? Can your finances take the hit? Will public give her a leg up on appreciating diversity? Every single decision is a meeting of the minds. Usually a lot of discussion goes on about philosophy and outcomes. We chose early on to brainwash our kid into going as far away for college as she could get because we think it's a big world out there and she should be part of it. Wanted her to do public because we are very pro public but changed our minds when her teacher told us she really should be in private. You have to talk it out. You have to reason and you have to listen but mostly you have to sacrifice for the sake of that child's wellbeing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The woman wins because she will not stop nagging. A man will give in to almost anything to make a nagging woman stop

Look, as I explained to my lesbian daughter, if you're in an argument with a woman, you can either try to win the argument or you can be happy. ("I want both." "Can't happen.")

[Anonymous]

He's authoritarian disciplinarian, I am not. He spanks, I generally don't. We try to keep a unified front in front of DC but later he will tell me I let her get away with too much or walk all over me or whatever. I think he goes overboard, but I try to stick with my gut, as my parents were way too permissive and I don't want to parent like that, either.

[Anonymous]

Usually in our house, the more conservative opinion wins if everything else is equal. Like if DD is invited to go on vacation with a friend, and I think it's fine but DH thinks she's too young, she wouldn't be allowed to go. Or if one of us thinks she needs to study more for a test and the other feels she can determine if she's prepped enough on her own, we'd tell her to study a bit more.

The exception to that is when one of us feels very strongly about a situation. DH wasn't a fan of my parents taking the kids to Disney World for their 5th birthday presents. He didn't have a great reason, just felt it was overindulgent. I felt strongly that it was a great way for our kids to bond with my parents and he relented. He feels strongly that they need to read certain books that are commonly read in our culture (but not assigned at their school). I don't really care, but he thinks it's important so I encouraged the kids to read them.

We don't disagree over major issues often thankfully.

[Anonymous]

13:01 here again. For the specific examples in the OP, the new discipline technique would probably be a no go, and we probably wouldn't change schools. I'd consider maintaining the status quo the conservative path, so that would win during a disagreement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He's authoritarian disciplinarian, I am not. He spanks, I generally don't. We try to keep a unified front in front of DC but later he will tell me I let her get away with too much or walk all over me or whatever. I think he goes overboard, but I try to stick with my gut, as my parents were way too permissive and I don't want to parent like that, either.

This for us as well - DH will spank; I never will. He does it in extreme cases over my objection.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mom wins. Kidding a little. But that seems to be how it shakes out.

I guess this. The thing is that I am the one actually there implementing it. So, he can bring me around to his side, but if I still disagree, it's going to be done my way. For example, I am not going to implement a discipline method that I disagree with. He had a strong opinion that the kids had to "earn" screen time. That didn't work for me. I couldn't keep track of who had how much. So, we just have certain times of the day screen time is an option. He wanted them to do chores. But they are young, and it is more work for me. But we discussed why he felt that way, and I came around, and the kids do chores. I choose schools. He isn't going to take time off work to look at the schools, talk to the kids teachers, etc.
otoh, he gets a lot of say in things that are not kid related, like where we live.