My MS DS explodes when we say "No"

[Anonymous]

Whenever we travel somewhere, DS always wants to buy something. We go to the grocery store and he asks for ice cream. We go shopping and he wants some stupid trinket. If we say no, he always asks why and then proceeds to call us every bad name he can think of. Why the F-CK do I always have to give a reason for "no"and why does he have to act like a toddler with a tantrum when he doesn't get what he wants? It's always the same, no matter how we try to prep him for the trip in advance and work on being flexible. He has major anxiety and ODD and is therapy and on meds, but still the behavior persists. It makes me hate weekends and taking him anywhere because he rarely shows appreciation. It's Saturday evening and I'm done with him!

[Anonymous]

Does he have a way to earn his own money so he can buy his own trinkets?

[Anonymous]

Maybe you could do that. Give him a warning like if you whine and complain about wanting something and I say no the next time we go somewhere we are leaving you behind. Then if he does prepare to get someone to be with him and go somewhere. It doesn't have to be far...a museum, coffee shop? Maybe if he gets left behind a couple of times and is bored than he won't complain the next time? When he doesn't complain you could surprise him with a treat he didn't ask for!

[Anonymous]

It may help to set expectations before you enter the store. "We are going into the store to buy X and Y. We will not be buying anything else and I will not entertain requests for anything else. We will walk down the aisle, put items X and Y into the basket and then pay for them and leave. Nothing else will happen during this visit. We will not be adding anything other than X and Y to the basket. After we pay, we will come back to the car and leave. Do you understand?" Maybe have him repeat the script back to you and emphasize a few times that you will not be buying anything else.

Another strategy is to practice at home before you go out. Give him a list, have him put those things in the basket, pretend to check him out and have fun with it. Role play with normal things and then with silly things. Then, have him help at the store by giving him the list and going through the same script.

If he has anxiety, you may not want to add "it's not in the budget." But for a child who understands money enough and won't be unduly stressed out by hearing there isn't enough money for a treat, that's another option.

We did all these things with DD when she was 4-6. It did help. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

OP here. We have him on a points system where he can earn rewards. Just last night we took him to a store to buy some craft thing that he wanted and had earned with his points. That's what is so frustrating. Today we take him somewhere and he's pissed because we won't buy him what he wants. Well we just bought him something yesterday. He is never satisfied and totally disregards what we just did for him. The points system can be so frustrating because he can be a total jerk but doesn't lose points that he has earned because that's what his therapist tells us. So frustrating because as parents we give him our all and get little in return. I know parents shouldn't expect much, but it's very lopsided in this case and often makes us feel defeated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It may help to set expectations before you enter the store. "We are going into the store to buy X and Y. We will not be buying anything else and I will not entertain requests for anything else. We will walk down the aisle, put items X and Y into the basket and then pay for them and leave. Nothing else will happen during this visit. We will not be adding anything other than X and Y to the basket. After we pay, we will come back to the car and leave. Do you understand?" Maybe have him repeat the script back to you and emphasize a few times that you will not be buying anything else.

Another strategy is to practice at home before you go out. Give him a list, have him put those things in the basket, pretend to check him out and have fun with it. Role play with normal things and then with silly things. Then, have him help at the store by giving him the list and going through the same script.

If he has anxiety, you may not want to add "it's not in the budget." But for a child who understands money enough and won't be unduly stressed out by hearing there isn't enough money for a treat, that's another option.

We did all these things with DD when she was 4-6. It did help. Good luck.

These are good ideas and it just sucks that we still have to use them for a freaking middle school kid. Sorry, I'm feeling self pity right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

These are good ideas and it just sucks that we still have to use them for a freaking middle school kid. Sorry, I'm feeling self pity right now.

Soft hugs. I try to tell myself I must parent the child I have, not the one I wish I had. I do love her, but sometimes the self pity creeps in. Don't add guilt to your load.

[Anonymous]

Pocket money. He feels he has little control. Life's too short for so many arguments. My kids have had pocket money since they were 4 or 5.

[Anonymous]

Hi, Op

I'm so sorry! First, I think it is ok to disregard some things your therapist says. If it doesn't seem to make sense to me than I give myself permission to ignore their advice or try something different ( or combine the two) This goes with peditricians as well ( sorry about spelling) For example, one time the peditrician suggested that I stop giving them a cookie for lunch. They were not fat and it was one Milano cookie. I didn't think I needed to take away their treat so I nodded my head and totally ignored that advice.

Second example, my child had anxiety and OCD. The therapist told me that I should stop sharing stories of my life to my daughter because it wasn't helpful (she thought). So, when she said she was nervous about something I wasn't allowed to say " I remember when I was your age and I felt nervous" Or the therapist told me to buy a work book about anxiety but don't give it to her? That didn't make sense either so I changed therapists.

My point being is if you want to change the point system and take away points for rude or bad behavior you are the parent and should do it. Tell your son the new rules and then tell the therapists. They do not know all the answers and you know your son the best.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

This is the heart of the problem, IMO...

"...we give him our all and get little in return. I know parents shouldn't expect much, but it's very lopsided in this case and often makes us feel defeated."

I know your child has SN, as does mine... but no parent should accept nothing in return for giving everything. Every parent is in this same delicate balancing act.

What do you do when he starts calling you names in a store? What do you do when he starts the whining and badgering?

[Anonymous]

How do you respond when he has his temper tantrum? Because this is the behavior of a toddler.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do you respond when he has his temper tantrum? Because this is the behavior of a toddler.

Her child is in middle school and behaving this way. Logically, it is also the behavior of a child with anxiety and ODD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We have him on a points system where he can earn rewards. Just last night we took him to a store to buy some craft thing that he wanted and had earned with his points. That's what is so frustrating. Today we take him somewhere and he's pissed because we won't buy him what he wants. Well we just bought him something yesterday. He is never satisfied and totally disregards what we just did for him. The points system can be so frustrating because he can be a total jerk but doesn't lose points that he has earned because that's what his therapist tells us. So frustrating because as parents we give him our all and get little in return. I know parents shouldn't expect much, but it's very lopsided in this case and often makes us feel defeated.

If the point system is not working, then you change it. The therapist can give great advice, but putting it into action is a very different issue. I would stop taking him out until he can behave, then start with short trips.

[Anonymous]

What does the therapist say?
Is there a different medical professional who knows him and could offer insight?
Have you read Ross Greene's The Explosive Child?

[Anonymous]

Middle school?

Drop the point system. He is not a six year old.

Replace it with chores and an allowance. He earns his own pocket money. He wants something when he is out, and it is not something you planned to buy, he can get it with his own money.

If it is too expensive, he will need to save.

If he needs to earn money he can start doing entrepreneurial things likewalking dogs or mowing the neighbors lawn.

Work on teaching him the three boxes system: one box for savings, on box for church (or charity if you are not religious or are religious but don't tithe) and one box for fun. Let him work out how much goes into each box.

He is almost a teenager and you owe it to him to teach him how to manage his finances so he can regulate himself as an adult...especially if he is adhd. Points and rewards don't teach him the value of anything. He is too old for points. If you want him to quit acting like a kindergartener, change your approach to one that treats him like he is his age and not like he is a five year old.

Work towards the goal that by the time he is in high school, you are only buying him his "needs", ie clothing and stuff for school/activities. He is responsible for his "wants", such as video games, movies with friends, a new gadget.

As long as you keep treating him like a kindergartener, he will continue to act like one.

The transition migut be difficult at first, but wouldn't you rather struggle with this improtant life lesson now when he is a young kid, instead of seeing him continue to struggle with this into his adult years. No one wants to live with or employ a temper tantruming 20 something who expects to hsve everything handed to him.