Boyfriend will not stop taking about $

[Anonymous]

My BF is wonderful and had a great PR career but seems to have lost his career somewhere along the way, found himself in reduced circumstances, and I'm worried about him. Every conversation we have, he feels the need to mention financial doom and gloom ("I can't see you today, it's the first of the month and bills are looming"; "all the balances are ugly"; when he was so tired he fell asleep on the couch and I said "poor thing" he replied "It's ok. "Poor" is the apt description.") I am looking for work now too and do NOT trouble him with my financial woes. This is a guy with 2 MBAs, but also a 16-year old son and two sets of parents that are both wealthy, but he won't ask for their help, not even for his son's sake. (He can however apparently afford to go to yoga, mediation, Nia and a therapist weekly.)

Now I have just started interviewing at a pretty nice pace, but am afraid to share any good news with him. I'm cognizant that $ is tight for him and am perfectly happy doing things like our "date" Sunday (splitting Shake Shack and watching GoT), and I could care less about $, but he is beyond depressed and obsessive about it. It's making it harder to stay optimistic and motivate myself to find work again.

What can I say-sweetly and kindly- that I haven't already to get him to stop the constant woeful $ mentions? I've tried many gentle prods indicating that this kind of talk makes me uncomfortable but I've hit the wall of diminishing returns here. Any ideas appreciated- TIA

[Anonymous]

He's in a poor state of mind but not really if he does the things you say.

Not to be mean but I'd walk. I can't live negative and his vibe is very negative. He sounds cheap. Mr. Money Mustache cheap.

[Anonymous]

what he needs is your acceptance. He doesn't want you to fix it. He doesn't want you to hide stuff from him because you are afraid to hurt his feelings. He has had a major setback. If he has two MBAs and a good career before he is feeling like a loser. Men often tie their self worth to the $$ they make. He isn't asking for help because that just makes the issue worse. Men learn to take care of themselves. They also know that girls also look to them as "providers." If you walk away from him (like the PP suggested) that is just going to confirm his suspicion that his value IS tied to his money. He will work it out for himself. What he really wants/needs (I suspect) is for you to be "ok" with him like he is.... if he works out his career and gets back on track he will feel like a success and things will get back to normal. Until then... its going to be on his mind... all the time. Frankly..... most men do not believe the women see us beyond what we can provide (money, advice, strength, etc....) take that away and we expect you gals to walk. If you try to fix him (offer advice, give him money, whatever.... it will be an issue (my guess)). If you really want to "help" him... he needs some "wins" under his belt. As counter intuitive as it may sound.... ask him for some sort of help (not money). He needs to feel like he still has something to offer. It needs to be something meaningful that HE will see as a "win." Asking him to take out the trash doesn't count. Also.... unless he can get a equal or better job expect him to feel bad about the new job. Why? because he will be underemployed.

This advice is from a guy who has multiple advanced degrees... lost his job... his wife left and took everything... and is now presently underemployed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:what he needs is your acceptance. He doesn't want you to fix it. He doesn't want you to hide stuff from him because you are afraid to hurt his feelings. He has had a major setback. If he has two MBAs and a good career before he is feeling like a loser. Men often tie their self worth to the $$ they make. He isn't asking for help because that just makes the issue worse. Men learn to take care of themselves. They also know that girls also look to them as "providers." If you walk away from him (like the PP suggested) that is just going to confirm his suspicion that his value IS tied to his money. He will work it out for himself. What he really wants/needs (I suspect) is for you to be "ok" with him like he is.... if he works out his career and gets back on track he will feel like a success and things will get back to normal. Until then... its going to be on his mind... all the time. Frankly..... most men do not believe the women see us beyond what we can provide (money, advice, strength, etc....) take that away and we expect you gals to walk. If you try to fix him (offer advice, give him money, whatever.... it will be an issue (my guess)). If you really want to "help" him... he needs some "wins" under his belt. As counter intuitive as it may sound.... ask him for some sort of help (not money). He needs to feel like he still has something to offer. It needs to be something meaningful that HE will see as a "win." Asking him to take out the trash doesn't count. Also.... unless he can get a equal or better job expect him to feel bad about the new job. Why? because he will be underemployed.

This advice is from a guy who has multiple advanced degrees... lost his job... his wife left and took everything... and is now presently underemployed.

+1 This is good advice! Good luck to pp, you sound like very nice man.

[Anonymous]

yes, accept it. also, broaden your perspective. his son is approaching college age and that is something you can't pay for by skimping on dates. he's probably thinking about his own retirement as well. you sound pretty relaxed about your own situation, maybe too much so. if he feels you don't take long-term financial planning seriously that will jeopardize the relationship. especially if you want kids.

[Anonymous]

It sounds as though you don't really respect the choices that he's making - you bring up the fact that he's still making his physical and mental health a priority while going through this rough patch. Maybe you can change the way you look at things, he's making an investment in the most important thing he can, his own wellbeing.

Be a grownup and sit down with him and tell him that you want to hear his concerns and (only if this is true) that you love him unconditionally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:what he needs is your acceptance. He doesn't want you to fix it. He doesn't want you to hide stuff from him because you are afraid to hurt his feelings. He has had a major setback. If he has two MBAs and a good career before he is feeling like a loser. Men often tie their self worth to the $$ they make. He isn't asking for help because that just makes the issue worse. Men learn to take care of themselves. They also know that girls also look to them as "providers." If you walk away from him (like the PP suggested) that is just going to confirm his suspicion that his value IS tied to his money. He will work it out for himself. What he really wants/needs (I suspect) is for you to be "ok" with him like he is.... if he works out his career and gets back on track he will feel like a success and things will get back to normal. Until then... its going to be on his mind... all the time. Frankly..... most men do not believe the women see us beyond what we can provide (money, advice, strength, etc....) take that away and we expect you gals to walk. If you try to fix him (offer advice, give him money, whatever.... it will be an issue (my guess)). If you really want to "help" him... he needs some "wins" under his belt. As counter intuitive as it may sound.... ask him for some sort of help (not money). He needs to feel like he still has something to offer. It needs to be something meaningful that HE will see as a "win." Asking him to take out the trash doesn't count. Also.... unless he can get a equal or better job expect him to feel bad about the new job. Why? because he will be underemployed.

This advice is from a guy who has multiple advanced degrees... lost his job... his wife left and took everything... and is now presently underemployed.

+1 This is good advice! Good luck to pp, you sound like very nice man.

+2

I certainly wouldn't blame you if you walk away from him. But if you decide not to do so, don't hide your good news from him or do anything that might reinforce his implicit belief that you're disappointed in him for not being more financially successful. Those will just make the problem worse. Be open and supportive of him, and see if time and therapy help him get over it.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, I know this is a minor detail, but two MBAs?

Did you mean an MBA and another graduate degree, or do you literally mean two MBAs?

I was under the impression that you can only have one MBA.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like the boyfriend is super insecure and is fishing for reassurance.

It's sort of like when someone says "ugghh, I'm so fat/ugly/etc!" They want you to respond with "No! You're not fat/ugly at all!"

It's a bit of childish manipulation, but mostly harmless.

You can probably "cure" him by offering sincere reassurance that you are OK with his money problems and gently ask that he not constantly fish for reassurance.

[Anonymous]

The purpose of dating is to determine if this is someone who is a good match.

[Anonymous]

OP here. MBAs from 2 different schools; and I am more relaxed because I'm not being stubborn about asking my family for support, and I only have myself to take care of. Believe me my angst and stress about my financial situation just landed me in the hospital 2x. I didn't even tell him about the first ER visit because I didn't want to upset him the way he upsets me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. MBAs from 2 different schools; and I am more relaxed because I'm not being stubborn about asking my family for support, and I only have myself to take care of. Believe me my angst and stress about my financial situation just landed me in the hospital 2x. I didn't even tell him about the first ER visit because I didn't want to upset him the way he upsets me

Based on this post my recommendation is for you to leave him. You have no empathy for him. You are not good for him. You should leave and let him find someone that will be better for him.

[Anonymous]

For many men, their worth is defined in how well they do in their careers & how much money they have in their pocket books.

Not having anything plus being unemployed can be detrimental to how they perceive their manhood.

He's at his lowest now, it's a tough time for him.
However he needs to stop w/the whole "woe is me" attitude and cancel all the pity parties he's throwing.
There is no excuse to wallow in self-pity every single day.

Don't let his bad attitude sour your own life. And most especially do not let it affect your job-hunting path.

If he seriously won't stop the self-wallowing I would try to minimize my time spent in his presence.

[Anonymous]

Yikes. He sounds like a negative Nelly, and he has you tip toeing around his feelings and not getting any support from him because he's stuck in his own funk. If you two can't come together and SUPPORT EACH OTHER during this tough time, you're going to have a shitty marriage if you decide to stay together and marry. This is the test of your relationship and he is failing it by not recognizing your needs and you are failing it by hiding things from him and not asking for his support. Not good.