Just ended my relationship with my father

[Anonymous]

Not really sure what to do now.

Long story short, I have put up with years of verbal abuse. All he has left are my sister and me. My mother left him 18 years ago after 32 years of cheating and verbal abuse. I always tired to separate his behavior as a father from his behavior as a husband but recently he has been so terrible I just can't take it anymore. He told me to "get out of his life" after I tried to help him do something and he didn't think I was doing it the right way.

I feel horrible that my kids, who ADORE him, will no longer have a relationship with him and that my sister is going to have to deal with his care moving forward (he rarely talks to her the way he talks to me) but I don't think I can continue to have a relationship with him.

I feel so much better, but awful at the same time.

[Anonymous]

Sorry to hear that.

I don't have any advice, other than that perhaps maybe at some point he can spend time with his kids at an activity outside of the house where you don't offer or agree to help him with anything. . .

[Anonymous]

The kids would have figured it out eventually.

[Anonymous]

So sorry OP. My cousin had to do this with my uncle (his father) due to years of my uncle being horrible to my cousin's wife. My cousin wanted to show his kids that he wouldn't allow anyone to mistreat his family, even if it was his own father. I think that's a really important lesson to teach your children, that their parents are worthy of respect.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for this.
My kids just don't see any negative qualities in him yet. He is great with them and never said anything remotely negative to them. Now I just tell him he is "busy" when they ask about him. They are all under 10 so I don't know if it is appropriate to tell them what is going on.

Has anyone ended a relationship with a parent/sibling and they actually changed because of it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for this.
My kids just don't see any negative qualities in him yet. He is great with them and never said anything remotely negative to them. Now I just tell him he is "busy" when they ask about him. They are all under 10 so I don't know if it is appropriate to tell them what is going on.

Has anyone ended a relationship with a parent/sibling and they actually changed because of it?

Family members should support each other. You don't teach your children, "Hey, it's ok to let grandpa abuse mom because it's her and not me." You teach your kids to stand up for and defend those they love.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the PPs. If you wouldn't tolerate the behavior in a friend, why should you tolerate it in a family member? People treat you the way you all them to treat you. It's good that you're modeling healthy behavior. Still, I know it's hard. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

Is there any possibility that your dad has demential or Alzheimer’s?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is there any possibility that your dad has demential or Alzheimer’s?

I actually thought this initially but after talking to my mother and his brother after his outburst, this is typical behavior. I think he has less patience these days but he is of sound mind

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for this.
My kids just don't see any negative qualities in him yet. He is great with them and never said anything remotely negative to them. Now I just tell him he is "busy" when they ask about him. They are all under 10 so I don't know if it is appropriate to tell them what is going on.

Has anyone ended a relationship with a parent/sibling and they actually changed because of it?

No, and you will not help yourself by thinking he might. He is who he is and if you expect him to change you will be disappointed. That said, after a while you may be able to draw better boundaries - and as long as you stick to them and cut him off when he crosses them, he my learn to check it around you. I have cut my father out of my life several times. Every time he crept back it was the same misery. Now I have kids that he wants to see, and while he hasn't changed one bit he is a little more careful around me, because he knows one false move and he's out. He is still the same miserable bastard, it just shows more with my brother, who tolerates the bad behavior more than I do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel horrible that my kids, who ADORE him, will no longer have a relationship with him and that my sister is going to have to deal with his care moving forward (he rarely talks to her the way he talks to me) but I don't think I can continue to have a relationship with him.

OP what's your plan for maintaining a good relationship with your sister moving forward?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel horrible that my kids, who ADORE him, will no longer have a relationship with him and that my sister is going to have to deal with his care moving forward (he rarely talks to her the way he talks to me) but I don't think I can continue to have a relationship with him.

OP what's your plan for maintaining a good relationship with your sister moving forward?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for this.
My kids just don't see any negative qualities in him yet. He is great with them and never said anything remotely negative to them. Now I just tell him he is "busy" when they ask about him. They are all under 10 so I don't know if it is appropriate to tell them what is going on.

Has anyone ended a relationship with a parent/sibling and they actually changed because of it?

No, and you will not help yourself by thinking he might. He is who he is and if you expect him to change you will be disappointed. That said, after a while you may be able to draw better boundaries - and as long as you stick to them and cut him off when he crosses them, he my learn to check it around you. I have cut my father out of my life several times. Every time he crept back it was the same misery. Now I have kids that he wants to see, and while he hasn't changed one bit he is a little more careful around me, because he knows one false move and he's out. He is still the same miserable bastard, it just shows more with my brother, who tolerates the bad behavior more than I do.

Hmmm I wonder if we have the same father...

Thank you for this. It is a good reminder. Of course now, I feel terrible for cuttin him off. He is a lonely, miserable, old man and I feel guilty cutting him out, but you are right about boundaries.

What did you do, PP? How long until you had this relationship with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel horrible that my kids, who ADORE him, will no longer have a relationship with him and that my sister is going to have to deal with his care moving forward (he rarely talks to her the way he talks to me) but I don't think I can continue to have a relationship with him.

OP what's your plan for maintaining a good relationship with your sister moving forward?

Good question. Ihad to thoughtof this yet.

I mean, I don't think she expects me to have a relationship with him. She has seen his behavior towards me for years and after this last stint, said she is "by my side" through all of this.

I told her I would help with him, but behind the scenes.

I don't want her to resent me but I don't know if she knows how difficult it is for me. I don't know

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for this.
My kids just don't see any negative qualities in him yet. He is great with them and never said anything remotely negative to them. Now I just tell him he is "busy" when they ask about him. They are all under 10 so I don't know if it is appropriate to tell them what is going on.

Has anyone ended a relationship with a parent/sibling and they actually changed because of it?

No, and you will not help yourself by thinking he might. He is who he is and if you expect him to change you will be disappointed. That said, after a while you may be able to draw better boundaries - and as long as you stick to them and cut him off when he crosses them, he my learn to check it around you. I have cut my father out of my life several times. Every time he crept back it was the same misery. Now I have kids that he wants to see, and while he hasn't changed one bit he is a little more careful around me, because he knows one false move and he's out. He is still the same miserable bastard, it just shows more with my brother, who tolerates the bad behavior more than I do.

Hmmm I wonder if we have the same father...

Thank you for this. It is a good reminder. Of course now, I feel terrible for cuttin him off. He is a lonely, miserable, old man and I feel guilty cutting him out, but you are right about boundaries.

What did you do, PP? How long until you had this relationship with him.

You have to do what's right for you. Maybe I'm cold, but I feel like everyone has obstacles to overcome. My dad had many chances to get therapy (my mom begged for years before leaving him). Yes, he is a sad lonely old man but at some point that's not my problem - he chose not to get help. Although, I feel better now that we have a relationship with boundaries - I used to feel worse when I totally shut him out, but I was doing what I needed to do for my own sanity. It was years and years - starting in high school - that we had the off and on thing and he had the ability to bring me to the brink (like, he would drop in on me at my dorm in college, lay on me some crazy guilt trip about some perceived wrongdoing, and I would be paralyzed for days). I have made peace with the fact that I'll never have the dad I want, I accept that he is flawed, but if he talks to me in a way I don't like I am capable of saying 'do not talk to me like that' - and meaning it. It helped when I stopped accepting things from him. For ex., he could have paid for my grad school but I knew as soon as I did something that dissatisfied him he would threaten to pull tuition ( he actually did this to me in college and I got a call from the registrar and had to come up with $10k), so I financed it myself and never looked back. I make good money now and he can't pull that string, and I remind him of that by paying my own way for everything, whereas my brother still has fantasies of dad supporting his business or whatever. I also set house rules - what he can and can't do or buy for my kids, and I reinforce them regularly. He tests his boundaries and it is like having another kid - wash, rinse, repeat.

Sorry this is rambling, but I guess to answer your question, it was years of falling into the same trap before I accepted who he was and understood where and how I had to draw the lines before I made it work.

Best of luck, and most importantly, remember that you have a right to take care of you. If that means cutting him out, you need to do it. Don't rush to bring him back.