Just ended my relationship with my father

[Anonymous]

What did you do, PP? How long until you had this relationship with him.

You have to do what's right for you. Maybe I'm cold, but I feel like everyone has obstacles to overcome. My dad had many chances to get therapy (my mom begged for years before leaving him). Yes, he is a sad lonely old man but at some point that's not my problem - he chose not to get help. Although, I feel better now that we have a relationship with boundaries - I used to feel worse when I totally shut him out, but I was doing what I needed to do for my own sanity. It was years and years - starting in high school - that we had the off and on thing and he had the ability to bring me to the brink (like, he would drop in on me at my dorm in college, lay on me some crazy guilt trip about some perceived wrongdoing, and I would be paralyzed for days). I have made peace with the fact that I'll never have the dad I want, I accept that he is flawed, but if he talks to me in a way I don't like I am capable of saying 'do not talk to me like that' - and meaning it. It helped when I stopped accepting things from him. For ex., he could have paid for my grad school but I knew as soon as I did something that dissatisfied him he would threaten to pull tuition ( he actually did this to me in college and I got a call from the registrar and had to come up with $10k), so I financed it myself and never looked back. I make good money now and he can't pull that string, and I remind him of that by paying my own way for everything, whereas my brother still has fantasies of dad supporting his business or whatever. I also set house rules - what he can and can't do or buy for my kids, and I reinforce them regularly. He tests his boundaries and it is like having another kid - wash, rinse, repeat.

Sorry this is rambling, but I guess to answer your question, it was years of falling into the same trap before I accepted who he was and understood where and how I had to draw the lines before I made it work.

Best of luck, and most importantly, remember that you have a right to take care of you. If that means cutting him out, you need to do it. Don't rush to bring him back.

This is not rambling - it is very helpful. Thank you.