How do I forgive my mother?

[Anonymous]

My mother was emotional abusive in so many ways. She tried to live her life through me and I was her only child. It wasn't until I moved out and realized I didn't even know who I was as a person how bad it was. She told me from a young age what I did and didn't like. other examples
-not allowing me to play in the shade because I wouldn't get a tan
-choosing my friends
-forcing me to do beauty pageants when I hated them
-never allowing me to pick my own clothes
-would listen on the other line to all phone conversations well into teens
-would pretend to be me on social media(aol chat) and talk to my friends as me
-did not allow me to sleep in my own room until I was a teen
-ground me if I did not go to tanning bed daily
-lots of negative comments about my appearances
-forced me to wear make up and highlight my hair at young age

My mom never left her bedroom. My dad took me eveywhere. I later learned my mom was addicted to painkillers. Which explains why when she took me to the doctor she'd always ask "make sure you aka for something for pain."
My mom is sober now(her doctor was arrested) and I have tried talking to her about the past and she denies everything. She will say I don't appreciate her and start a huge crying fit. I know this post is all over the place, but I just don't know how to deal with all the trama. I find myself picking an outfit for kids and panicking if my mother will like it. I cried hysterically when I got my first stretch make because I new my mom would be angry. I never post a picture of myself without make up because I know she will tell me I have no pride in myself.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry she's done this to you. I'm glad you've recognized it. As I'm sure everyone else will suggest, you need to go to therapy. My father did some crazy stuff and I went to see a therapist and it was so helpful- just being able to talk through it and having some suggestions.
I'm sure you can forgive her in some ways, but you don't have to say that the things she did were okay. My mother has passed away, so because of my experience I hope that you can find some way to cope with the pain, not push any tendancies on your kids, and not worry about what your mom thinks anymore. I'm sure it will take a long time, but any residual habits moving from you towards your children should be halted as they creep up. Sorry you've gone through this.

[Anonymous]

Therapy, OP. Therapy pronto. You don't forget, you just let go, and you understand, and you have boundaries. And maybe empathy for the scared, hurt, little girl she really is.

[Anonymous]

Yes, please do see counseling (therapy). And try to say to yourself and to your counselor that forgiving her is NOT your first or main goal. Your first and main goal is to improve your own thinking about yourself, so that you can make decisions without worrying about what her reaction might be. That, in itself, will take plenty of work. Forgiving her (in some sense) might be part of that work. But my point is: the title of your thread still suggests that you think that you owe something (forgiveness) to her and that this is what you are mainly seeking. Seek your own health instead.

[Anonymous]

Yikes, she is really sick.

You need serious therapy to help you build your boundaries and sense of identity. And please, a good dermatologist who will counsel you on how to protect your skin going forward.

I would also cut off contact with her, but that's me.

[Anonymous]

Distance yourself from her, then therapy ASAP. You can work with your therapist to establish boundaries and let her back in if she's able to be nice. Don't count on that though.

It sounds severe, but it's truly freeing.

Limit what she sees of yours on social media. You don't have to let her see everything on FB.

[Anonymous]

Your mother has done a number on you OP.

It is probably difficult for you to have closure when she still is denying her past behavior.

I had a similar upbringing that I feel has messed me up as an adult.

For example, when my mother would open a Christmas or Birthday present in my presence, she would often comment negatively on it.
Like why did I give her a Teddy Bear calendar when I should know she doesn't like Teddy Bears!
Or how cheap she thought a certain gift was.
Etc.

Now as an adult, I cannot bear to be there when someone opens a present from me.

I think I need therapy for this, but haven't pursued it because I dread re-living all the bad memories.

However if you think you can handle it, I think talking to someone about all of this will enable you to find closure on your very own.

Hope this helps....Good luck!!

[Anonymous]

Are your parents still married? Assume your dad went nuts from her but stayed because of you.

[Anonymous]

Wow.

OP, I think you need some serious therapy for your PTSD.
I'm so sorry you had a mother who was mentally ill - because that's what it is. She's not even responsible for her actions, I suspect. Perhaps she herself was traumatized and abused as a child.

What's important now is that you break the cycle and don't treat your children that way, and that you find some peace.

[Anonymous]

What about blaming your dad?

If your mom never left her bedroom, who exactly forced you not to play in the shade or carted you off to tanning bed appointments?

[Anonymous]

Get therapy for yourself, stat. Your mother is crazy. You don't have to forgive her. There's space between not spending energy being angry at someone and forgiving them. You want to get to that sweet spot.

And why aren't you blaming your father for his role in allowing these things to happen? He was a parent too.

[Anonymous]

She did all those things to you - yet she never left the bedroom? How did she even know what you were doing?

And you might want to consider that she really can't remember a lot of your childhood at this point. She sucked as a parent. She knows that. You know that.

[Anonymous]

Parents are not perfect people. All you can do is try to understand why she was like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Parents are not perfect people. All you can do is try to understand why she was like that.

Bullshit.

OP- don't let anyone tell you you've no right to be angry or that you didn't deserve more.

Not perfect people??? There is a whole lot of daylight between perfect and OP's mom. I shudder to think what quoted PP believes is acceptable parenting behavior.

[Anonymous]

I feel no need to forgive mine. I will write her life story as a life full of mistakes and I don't care if she burns in hell - or better yet watches the mess she leaves behind.