How do I forgive my mother?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Parents are not perfect people. All you can do is try to understand why she was like that.

+1

She was obviously a deeply disturbed, lonely and insecure person who saw you as an extension of herself. It does not make it okay but it doesn't appear that she wanted to harm you or hurt you. She cries when you bring it up because it is probably unimaginable to her that you read her intentions as evil or hurtful. Did she do ANYTHING right? She looked after you when you were a baby? Clean your poop? Feed you? Clothe you? Send you to school? Provide for you when you couldn't fend for yourself?

Its really mean how thankless and entitled children can be sometimes. No one is perfect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Parents are not perfect people. All you can do is try to understand why she was like that.

+1

She was obviously a deeply disturbed, lonely and insecure person who saw you as an extension of herself. It does not make it okay but it doesn't appear that she wanted to harm you or hurt you. She cries when you bring it up because it is probably unimaginable to her that you read her intentions as evil or hurtful. Did she do ANYTHING right? She looked after you when you were a baby? Clean your poop? Feed you? Clothe you? Send you to school? Provide for you when you couldn't fend for yourself?

Its really mean how thankless and entitled children can be sometimes. No one is perfect.

There is a huge difference between "not perfect" & the way OP's mom treated her. And forcing your child to go to a tanning bed daily is pretty much the same thing as forcing her to smoke.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, please do see counseling (therapy). And try to say to yourself and to your counselor that forgiving her is NOT your first or main goal. Your first and main goal is to improve your own thinking about yourself, so that you can make decisions without worrying about what her reaction might be. That, in itself, will take plenty of work. Forgiving her (in some sense) might be part of that work. But my point is: the title of your thread still suggests that you think that you owe something (forgiveness) to her and that this is what you are mainly seeking. Seek your own health instead.

Yes, this. You may get to where you accept that she mistreated you and that you need to keep some distance now for your own health, rather than forgiving her, and that could be enough. A good counselor would be able to help you work through it.

Definitely limit what she sees on social media - if it's FB, it's easy to put someone in a list where they don't see most of what you post, and then specifically include them in some posts. You don't need her negative voice in your head every time you think about sharing something with friends.

[Anonymous]

I don't think it's possible to forgive your mother when she continues to do what she did in childhood. She denies anything wrong she did, has a crying fit when you bring up the subject and you are still seeking her approval for your physical appearance. If you can't accept her as she is and still are trying to appease her, then maybe you should temporarily cut ties until you are able to regain your self-esteem.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm sorry your "mother" abused you the way she did as a child. No child should have to grow up thinking that the love of their parents is only as solid as how good they make their parents look. She sounds possitively horrible. As for how to forgive her- I would find it incredibly difficult to forgive someone who even to this day denies her behaviour towards you. You owe her nothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Parents are not perfect people. All you can do is try to understand why she was like that.

+1

She was obviously a deeply disturbed, lonely and insecure person who saw you as an extension of herself. It does not make it okay but it doesn't appear that she wanted to harm you or hurt you. She cries when you bring it up because it is probably unimaginable to her that you read her intentions as evil or hurtful. Did she do ANYTHING right? She looked after you when you were a baby? Clean your poop? Feed you? Clothe you? Send you to school? Provide for you when you couldn't fend for yourself?

Its really mean how thankless and entitled children can be sometimes. No one is perfect.

I think the only smoke that's blowing is coming from the OP up our fannys. If her mother was essentially bed ridden and her father enforced all these wild accusations then both are to blame.
There is a huge difference between "not perfect" & the way OP's mom treated her. And forcing your child to go to a tanning bed daily is pretty much the same thing as forcing her to smoke.

[Anonymous]

OP, I would like to suggest AL-Anon for you. Al-Anon is a 12 step support group for the families of alcoholics. There is Nar-Anon also, which is for the families of addicts. But there are more AL-Anon meetings than Nar-Anon meetings.
I am a long time member of AL-Anon. I didn't grow up with a substance abuser, but many people around the table in my meetings have, and the things you are talking about are very similar to the stories I have heard from those who grew up with it.
Or you can go to therapy. Or both. But you don't have to fill out insurance forms to go to Al-Anon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I would like to suggest AL-Anon for you. Al-Anon is a 12 step support group for the families of alcoholics. There is Nar-Anon also, which is for the families of addicts. But there are more AL-Anon meetings than Nar-Anon meetings.
I am a long time member of AL-Anon. I didn't grow up with a substance abuser, but many people around the table in my meetings have, and the things you are talking about are very similar to the stories I have heard from those who grew up with it.
Or you can go to therapy. Or both. But you don't have to fill out insurance forms to go to Al-Anon.

+1. If you can swing it, do therapy and attend a 12-step meeting for family members of addicts/alcoholics. You will find support there.

[Anonymous]

OP, also do some research on borderline personality disorder. I'm no shrink, but I've been seeing one for many years due to my mom who had/has similar behaviors.

And don't let anyone tell you that you shouldn't feel upset for the way you've been treated. Our families of origin in our formative years matter VERY MUCH, and you were treated badly and raised without boundaries.

It's a hard road. I'm traveling it too and I wish you well.

[Anonymous]

You don't have to forgive her. I am estranged from my mother for very different reasons but also because of things she did while i was growing up. I don;t know why everyone is so obsessed with forgiveness. In my eyes, there are some things that are unforgivable. Stay strong OP, she can't control you anymore.