people who alienate friends

[Anonymous]

I was talking about this with a friend of mine recently. Turns out we both had friends who at some point just literally stopped talking to his/her friends. A former friend of mine did this after she quit the place where we both worked. On her last day of work (after working there for two years, becoming friends with a few of us, getting drinks after work, attending events with us) she didn't even say goodbye to people-- she just walked out. That night, I tried to call her and she didn't return any calls. Another coworker reached out-- same thing. She just vanished and seemed to want nothing to do with anyone. It was so strange because I honestly thought we were good friends, and so did others. No one could say what happened, if they had a fallout with her or anything. Everyone thought they were on good terms, and then, poof, gone.

Same time happened with someone in college. On the last day of school she just got really quiet, wouldn't look at anyone and pretty much just disappeared after the last day of classes. I saw her at graduation, where she just gave me a weird smile and looked down, and that was it. This one girl who seemed to be her closest friend was really offended afterward and couldn't pinpoint anything that would have made this person just stop talking to her.

What's the deal with people who do this? One moment you're best friends, the next, they don't even want to acknowledge yo/

[Anonymous]

I would have a lot of sympathy for them - clearly something is not quite right.
If you don't want to reach out to them (they are probably depressed and such) then at least don't hate them. You are not the problem.

[Anonymous]

It's because you weren't actually friends, just acquaintances. Some of us don't really like to have a wide circle of relatively shallow relationships - it's tiring.

[Anonymous]

Every individual's behavior is driven by something personal, environmental, and a host of other factors. There is no way to classify this behavior on a large scale. It would be easy to say it is an issue with you or your friends, or perhaps the friendship was never as intimate as you thought. But the truth is that you do not know the real reason, and probably never really will. They could have both left and died. Or, they reprioritized their life after major life changes (graduation, career change). Not my style personally, but there are many possible reasons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was talking about this with a friend of mine recently. Turns out we both had friends who at some point just literally stopped talking to his/her friends. A former friend of mine did this after she quit the place where we both worked. On her last day of work (after working there for two years, becoming friends with a few of us, getting drinks after work, attending events with us) she didn't even say goodbye to people-- she just walked out. That night, I tried to call her and she didn't return any calls. Another coworker reached out-- same thing. She just vanished and seemed to want nothing to do with anyone. It was so strange because I honestly thought we were good friends, and so did others. No one could say what happened, if they had a fallout with her or anything. Everyone thought they were on good terms, and then, poof, gone.

Same time happened with someone in college. On the last day of school she just got really quiet, wouldn't look at anyone and pretty much just disappeared after the last day of classes. I saw her at graduation, where she just gave me a weird smile and looked down, and that was it. This one girl who seemed to be her closest friend was really offended afterward and couldn't pinpoint anything that would have made this person just stop talking to her.

What's the deal with people who do this? One moment you're best friends, the next, they don't even want to acknowledge yo/

Some people don't deal with transitions well. It could be a strange manifestation of separation anxiety.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was talking about this with a friend of mine recently. Turns out we both had friends who at some point just literally stopped talking to his/her friends. A former friend of mine did this after she quit the place where we both worked. On her last day of work (after working there for two years, becoming friends with a few of us, getting drinks after work, attending events with us) she didn't even say goodbye to people-- she just walked out. That night, I tried to call her and she didn't return any calls. Another coworker reached out-- same thing. She just vanished and seemed to want nothing to do with anyone. It was so strange because I honestly thought we were good friends, and so did others. No one could say what happened, if they had a fallout with her or anything. Everyone thought they were on good terms, and then, poof, gone.

Same time happened with someone in college. On the last day of school she just got really quiet, wouldn't look at anyone and pretty much just disappeared after the last day of classes. I saw her at graduation, where she just gave me a weird smile and looked down, and that was it. This one girl who seemed to be her closest friend was really offended afterward and couldn't pinpoint anything that would have made this person just stop talking to her.

What's the deal with people who do this? One moment you're best friends, the next, they don't even want to acknowledge yo/

Let me repeat this just one more time - WORK FRIENDS ARE NOT REAL FRIENDS. period. sorry.

Re your college friend, something may have been happening in her personal life that she couldn't deal with/share and so she just shut people out. This happened to me, but I was in my early teens.

[Anonymous]

Work friend:

1. She didn't think the relationship went deeper than a work relationship. I have been close at work with a few people (lunch together, happy hours, sharing of personal experiences etc.) but those relationships fizzled rather quickly whenever I moved to another job. I still have a few ex workmates on FB, but we never hang out.
2. Something great happened in her life that took all her attention, which means "light" relationships are the first to go.
3. Something happened in her life and she needed space.


College friend:

1. She didn't care for the friendship as much as you did and graduation was the right time to end it. I honestly only keep in touch with 3 of my college friends.
2. Something happened in her life and she needed space.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I would have a lot of sympathy for them - clearly something is not quite right.
If you don't want to reach out to them (they are probably depressed and such) then at least don't hate them. You are not the problem.

+1

OP, you're seeing this entirely through your own lens of "They must not be good friends to do this to me." If you liked them, why didn't you try to find out if something was wrong and if you could help? "Poof, gone" can actually be a huge red flag that someone has serious trouble and it's not about you.

When people suddenly fall off the radar, it does not necessarily mean they are ditching you because they're bad people or dislike you. They may be having issues that you know absolutely nothing about and which make them embarrassed, or upset, or depressed to the point they feel they have no right to contact friends or acquaintances because they're so low and would only make others feel bad. This is how depressed people sometimes think, and then they cut themselves off. So do people who are grieving, or breaking up a relationship, or just feeling overwhelmed. Maybe you, yourself, would not react like that -- but can you accept that others might do it, and can you cut them slack?

Please show some sympathy and give others the benefit of the doubt. Real friends would first think, "Is something wrong and can I help?" rather than thinking, "She didn't stay in touch/didn't respond to me as I wanted, so I'm offended, and won't reach out. It's all on him/her." Maybe instead you could try contacting them again and saying, "Hey, I haven't heard from you in a long time but I remember what made us friends and would like to see you again, and if something's up, I'm here to talk it out if you want."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was talking about this with a friend of mine recently. Turns out we both had friends who at some point just literally stopped talking to his/her friends. A former friend of mine did this after she quit the place where we both worked. On her last day of work (after working there for two years, becoming friends with a few of us, getting drinks after work, attending events with us) she didn't even say goodbye to people-- she just walked out. That night, I tried to call her and she didn't return any calls. Another coworker reached out-- same thing. She just vanished and seemed to want nothing to do with anyone. It was so strange because I honestly thought we were good friends, and so did others. No one could say what happened, if they had a fallout with her or anything. Everyone thought they were on good terms, and then, poof, gone.

Same time happened with someone in college. On the last day of school she just got really quiet, wouldn't look at anyone and pretty much just disappeared after the last day of classes. I saw her at graduation, where she just gave me a weird smile and looked down, and that was it. This one girl who seemed to be her closest friend was really offended afterward and couldn't pinpoint anything that would have made this person just stop talking to her.

What's the deal with people who do this? One moment you're best friends, the next, they don't even want to acknowledge yo/

Let me repeat this just one more time - WORK FRIENDS ARE NOT REAL FRIENDS. period. sorry.

Re your college friend, something may have been happening in her personal life that she couldn't deal with/share and so she just shut people out. This happened to me, but I was in my early teens.

Work friends are not your friends. You don't want to go out afterwards for drinks or confide in your personal life, why so many get themselves in trouble. You don't want co-workers gossiping about your life. She probably didn't want anyone from her old work knowing who she was working for etc. It was time to start over.

[Anonymous]

I dropped out of a lot of people's lives, both from high school and from college. I have battled severe depression and PTSD for huge portions of my life, along with anxiety attacks. I am sorry that I did that to my friends. They deserved better. I was just trying to keep my head above water, though.

I am wary about making new friends, now, because I know that my mental health issues can make me flakey and not a good friend.

[Anonymous]

Some people can't handle goodbyes.

[Anonymous]

"Didn't respond" when someone did "reach out to them"

[Anonymous]

Maybe they had other friends they liked more, or clicked with in a more than circumstantial way, that they remained friends with. It's weird to me that you find it an odd coincidence that both you AND your friend have experienced this. It's rather common and normal to move on. Not every friend is a lifelong friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I dropped out of a lot of people's lives, both from high school and from college. I have battled severe depression and PTSD for huge portions of my life, along with anxiety attacks. I am sorry that I did that to my friends. They deserved better. I was just trying to keep my head above water, though.

I am wary about making new friends, now, because I know that my mental health issues can make me flakey and not a good friend.

I'm similar. I blame some of my problems on moving often as a child and adolescent. I learned to fit in, get along well, not stand out but blend in and make superficial friendships. It was easier to leave with fewer strings attached. So I kind of developed a terrible habit of never establishing roots in a friend relationship. Still something I grapple with today. I have a very very hard time maintaining friendships because deep, close friendships end up becoming burdensome for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was talking about this with a friend of mine recently. Turns out we both had friends who at some point just literally stopped talking to his/her friends. A former friend of mine did this after she quit the place where we both worked. On her last day of work (after working there for two years, becoming friends with a few of us, getting drinks after work, attending events with us) she didn't even say goodbye to people-- she just walked out. That night, I tried to call her and she didn't return any calls. Another coworker reached out-- same thing. She just vanished and seemed to want nothing to do with anyone. It was so strange because I honestly thought we were good friends, and so did others. No one could say what happened, if they had a fallout with her or anything. Everyone thought they were on good terms, and then, poof, gone.

Same time happened with someone in college. On the last day of school she just got really quiet, wouldn't look at anyone and pretty much just disappeared after the last day of classes. I saw her at graduation, where she just gave me a weird smile and looked down, and that was it. This one girl who seemed to be her closest friend was really offended afterward and couldn't pinpoint anything that would have made this person just stop talking to her.

What's the deal with people who do this? One moment you're best friends, the next, they don't even want to acknowledge yo/

Let me repeat this just one more time - WORK FRIENDS ARE NOT REAL FRIENDS. period. sorry.

Re your college friend, something may have been happening in her personal life that she couldn't deal with/share and so she just shut people out. This happened to me, but I was in my early teens.

Maybe thisxisxteue about work friends, but a little graciousness goes a long way. Say your goodbyes. Be kind. FFS.