Am I the only mother who hates Mother's Day?

[Anonymous]

By some miracle I survived my mother and am healthy enough as an adult to be a good and loving mother myself.

I dread Mother's Day though. For most of the year I put my past out of my mind. Holidays can be underwhelming because it's just us and I feel bad not being able to give the kids a big thanksgiving but we generally deal with that by going on a mini vacation.

Mother's Day sucks though. The unbearable Facebook posts have already begun -- pictures of friends with their non-psychopath mothers and tear jerker articles about mother-daughter relationships. It makes me so uncomfortable.

My mother was always a special turbo-charged version of herself on Mother's Day; she'd make a scene at a restaurant to get sympathy from strangers about what a terrible spouse she had, and when my brother and I would inevitably cringe she'd start in on us (ungrateful, impossible, etc.).

In past years I've visited my grandmother, who is the mother I didn't have and the sole role model I have for parenting. The visits made me happy, but truthfully they also got me out of having to observe this holiday I really can't stand. I'd bring her a card and flowers and hang out with her and feel pretty smart for escaping the familiar traditions like gifts and restaurant brunches and cards for me.

Well, my grandmother died. I miss her and I really, really hate the Mother's Day hype even more than in past years. I'm feeling depressed about it and desperately want my husband to listen to my request that we not do anything. He seems to think it sends a bad message to the kids that they should take me for granted. Personally I think that ignoring my wishes sends a bad message. I also think if we need a Hallmark holiday to get them to appreciate others we're pretty screwed.

So am I the only perspn who likes being a mother but who hates Mother's Day?

[Anonymous]

I bet there are some old ladies in nursing homes whose daughters are either dead or living far away and would LOVE for someone to come bring them flowers on Mother's Day.

I haven't had a relationship with my mother since I was 15. But I have a FABULOUS mother in law, and two children. So the day is about my MIL and MEEEEEEEEE!

Fuck the shitty mothers, you know? She doesn't deserve the space she'd take up in your thoughts.

[Anonymous]

Well, my mom died when I was 18, and I didn't deal with it particularly well, so it's historically been a holiday I hated and completely avoided. That doesn't work now that I have kids. Mine are young (6 and 3), so I happily take their homemade cards and crafts and things, and let my husband order takeout so I don't have to cook dinner that day, and that's about it. This year I bought myself a new purse and told dh it was my MD present . I tend to also be pretty low key about birthdays and Christmas too, so it's not that far outside the norm for us.

How old are the kids? Is there a low key way for you guys to celebrate the day? And to answer your last question, yes, I definately do feel similarly.

[Anonymous]

Ask your dh to help your kids do something for you on a smaller scale. Something as simple as making a card and picking flowers at the market for you. Yes, of course your wishes should take priority on Mother's Day in terms of how you spend it. However, I think the holiday is also important for your children. It gives them confidence to be able to do something for you.

[Anonymous]

I'm not crazy about it either. My mother died 14 years ago and I've never liked it since. I don't like being fawned over by my husband and kids, and it's always halfway between my daughter's birthday and my husband's birthday, so it's another thing I have to deal with/plan/think about. And I have a stepmother now and I never know how to deal with it with her. Blerg.

[Anonymous]

My mother was also...unhealthy. It took me a few decades to feel anything but resentment for her.

But the relationship I have with my kid feels like a scrub of all that. I don't love Mother's Day or look forward to it, but It reminds me that I'm happy and grateful to be a mom, which my mom wasn't.

And I'm good with that. It's just one day.

[Anonymous]

Single mom by choice here. Kid too young to do anything on her own. Mom and Dad long deceased. Sister's husband also deceased. Her son pretty indifferent. Nanny usually tries to help DD do something, but she was sick this week. It's one of those days, like my birthday, I just try to steel myself until it is over.

[Anonymous]

OP, your mother was not a real mother. This holiday is neither for her nor about her.

Can you let your family do something low-key? Kids really like Mother's Day. Cards, they make you breakfast, you get take-out = done. Maybe you can also leverage it to get everyone to clean their rooms or spring clean the garage or whatever as a "gift" to you.

[Anonymous]

I have a two year-old and an infant. This year my husband is traveling for work a lot, so I will spend Mother's Day like I spend most weekends, alone with two little kids who poop, cry, and make a mess all day long. Enjoy your own family and your own kids and forget about your mother. Your grandmother would be proud of you as a mother. Sorry for your loss.

[Anonymous]

I had PPD when my first was a baby, and my first Mother's Day was spent hating myself for "being a bad mom" and not living up to every possible standard of perfection. I've recoverd, have two beautiful girls, and it's a nice day now, but I still feel the "echoes" of that first Mother's Day, so it's a little tough.

I wish you all a day of peace and relaxation.

[Anonymous]

I also had a crappy mother but emotionally I grew up and stopped letting a made up holiday bring this much angst into my life. Part of that growing up was recognizing that my mother was neither all bad or all good--like all human beings and that she in large part, simply a product of her environment and untreated mental illness. Dwelling only on the negative holds you victim to the past and recognizing that although I am a much, much better mother than my mom, I also know that I am not perfect either and my kids will judge me just as I judge her.

[Anonymous]

OP, I doubt you are alone. Nobody is that unique

I'm in the "I don't care" camp. Not on FB, so that part is out of my realm completely. I don't see many articles or anything over the top in the media either. I guess I'm just not paying attention.

[Anonymous]

It is a made-up holiday designed to get people to buy stuff.

There are plenty of opportunities throughout the year to show your mother you love her. This notion that we have to have a holiday for it is absurd. It's all part of our consumer-centric culture.

I think the biggest issue I have with Mother's Day is it brings out all of the FB posts that insinuate a woman is not fully a woman unless she is a mother.

If our society really cared about mothers, then we would do more to give them support (affordable child care, paid family leave). If our society really valued parents, we wouldn't keep pushing this notion that if you only work 40 hours, you aren't dedicated or a hard enough working. We'd be more committed to work-life balance.

But we don't do that. Instead, we make a day where people feel pressured to buy $4 cards and flower arrangements and go out for an overpriced meal, and then we all pat ourselves on the backs and talk about how sacred motherhood is.

[Anonymous]

-10000 to all the Komen profiles. Komen is the new Hallmark, and it completely grosses me out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is a made-up holiday designed to get people to buy stuff.

There are plenty of opportunities throughout the year to show your mother you love her. This notion that we have to have a holiday for it is absurd. It's all part of our consumer-centric culture.

I think the biggest issue I have with Mother's Day is it brings out all of the FB posts that insinuate a woman is not fully a woman unless she is a mother.

If our society really cared about mothers, then we would do more to give them support (affordable child care, paid family leave). If our society really valued parents, we wouldn't keep pushing this notion that if you only work 40 hours, you aren't dedicated or a hard enough working. We'd be more committed to work-life balance.

But we don't do that. Instead, we make a day where people feel pressured to buy $4 cards and flower arrangements and go out for an overpriced meal, and then we all pat ourselves on the backs and talk about how sacred motherhood is.

+1