How do we feel about apologies?

[Anonymous]

So this is a topic that has been on my mind for a while. I have read the posts about children being hurt at school and wondered how I would react. So now, I have one child who has been hurt by a child with emotional regulation challenges at school. And I have another child who has hit his teacher when he was having emotional regulation challenges of his own.

My personal point of view as a parent is that if my child acts out towards another child, I expect my child to apologize. And the next time I see the parent of the injured child, I also express my regret and reassure that we are working with the child/ school to prevent a recurrence. The same applies to the teacher, I expect my child to apologize to the teacher and I will too, along with strategizing to prevent a recurrence.

I will admit that my feelings are influenced by the medical model where apologizing to an injured patient really helps that patient move forward.

My DH feels that many parents of kids who act aggressively towards other children would either not feel a need/ obligation to apologize. Or they are so ashamed/ embarrassed by the situation that they would just avoid speaking of it to the affected family and expect the school to handle it.

So what say you DCUM? If your child was the aggressor- do you apologize? If your child was hurt, do you expect an apology? What factors influence this (public/ private/ previous relationship)

[Anonymous]

All my children have been hit at one time or another child while at school and we have never received an apology and would not expect one given the setting and the young age of the children when the incidents occurred I think. All the kids who did the hitting are NT as far as I know are NT except for one. It happened during a meltdown and the child lashed out and hit the two children next to him and one happened to be DD. It wasn't a light hit but she was uninjured.

I think there are privacy issues that arise in these types of situations happen at school. The teachers usually don't report this kind of conflict unless there is an injury and even if there is an injury they never tell you the name of the other child. We did not receive any communication from the school but DD told me what happened.

I'm with you DH on this but I don't think it's that the parents don't feel a need or obligation to apologize. I think it's his second idea that they are ashamed/embarrassed or possibly are struggling so hard that getting their child to apologize may create more problems. I know the parents in this situation and I know how desperate they are to help their child and how hard they were working every day to take him to all kinds of doctors and therapists. This child also had significant speech delays so I would guess it likely he never told his parents it was DD who was struck. I would never want the parent of a special needs child to feel pressured to "out" her child to another parent by having to offer a formal apology like a note or by making it a big deal in front of me. I would think they are having a hard enough time and I would not want to create any additional stress.

In a case where one DC hit a friend at around the same age, I did make him write an apology note because they were having a disagreement over a ball or something and he made a bad choice. This DC has no special needs, no speech issues and normally had very good social skills. He was perfectly capable of resolving the issue without hitting his friend. As I write this I think the difference for me is that some SN children with emotional regulation issues aren't making bad conscious choices. To some extent they can't help it. Through therapy and counseling they are trying to catch up but they need time.

As a parent of a child with a different kind of special needs I think it's important to give the parents and children the benefit of the doubt and assume they are on the case.

[Anonymous]

My son's go to an all boys school so the model is a little different than in MCPS.

I let the school deal with it. Kids hit, kick, let things get out of hand when "playing"... basically shit happens.

Generally the kids shrug it off. Sometimes they say, sorry. Sometimes the teachers feel it was self defense so no need to apologize. Sometimes the teachers think the kid is overreacting so no need to apologize. Sometimes the kid had it coming, no need to apologize. Sometimes a kid loses control of his emotions and a teacher will talk to him about how to work on that, maybe he apologizes, I am sure they shake hands eventually.

Lots of physical things happen at school the teacher has never called home.

The kids are learning how to regulate emotion and deal with conflict, the teachers should guide them and parents should not need to be called unless something major happens.

[Anonymous]

My DD has started biting out of frustration because she won't talk, and I absolutely am mortified and on top of it/her. Literally. I hover behind her to whisk her away when I notice her getting frustrated and for SURE apologize to whatever child she's bitten and the parent. I have funky bandaids with me at all times to hand out to kids she bites.

I would never just wave away her biting with "well she's SPECIAL NEEDS and NEEEEEEEEEDS to bite." That's bullshit. She needs to learn to resist that urge.

[Anonymous]

That's different. I think if you see her biting someone you should have her apologize but if she can't tell you who she bit at school how would you apologize?

[Anonymous]

Biting after preschool is very different from the hitting and kicking that is very age appropriate for elementary. OP didn't say elementary but I'm assuming it is. If it's MS or HS that's a way different story.

[Anonymous]

I don't know, I hate forced apologies. I don't think they do any good for anybody. I've tried to teach my kids to apologize (but I don't make them) and I teach them to ask the person they've harmed if there's something they can do to make it better. But the reason I'm hesitent is that for us it's not related to physical aggression and I don't know if that would change my answer.

[Anonymous]

I think it depends on the situation and if the child was capable. Not all kids are capable of apologizing. I remember when my child was in a 2 class and he accidently bumped (no harm, more like brushed up against) into another child the teacher cornered him (it was a co-op) and kept trying to force him to talk and apologize. I finally interfered and reminded her he does not talk and she cannot force him to speak no matter how hard he tries. Now that he does, I'd have him apologize to the teacher (fortunately he has never hit) if he does something wrong. I don't care if other kids apologize, especially those who act up daily.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DD has started biting out of frustration because she won't talk, and I absolutely am mortified and on top of it/her. Literally. I hover behind her to whisk her away when I notice her getting frustrated and for SURE apologize to whatever child she's bitten and the parent. I have funky bandaids with me at all times to hand out to kids she bites.

I would never just wave away her biting with "well she's SPECIAL NEEDS and NEEEEEEEEEDS to bite." That's bullshit. She needs to learn to resist that urge.

My kid was a very very very late talker so I do have empathy but she should not be near other kids if there is a biting risk. I'd be really pissed if you knew and your response was oops, here's a funky bandaid. There was a good year we stopped taking our kid out shopping and to eat because of his behavior. You have to meet your child's needs and putting them in biting situations is not meeting their needs. You also need to give her teeters or something else to deal with that need.

[Anonymous]

OP here- this is early elementary. And in case I wasn't clear- all of these kids have special needs and all are verbal.

So yes it is different I think for biting in preschool- where I think almost everyone bites and is bitten at some point. But I love the cool bandaid idea- that would have healed all wounds for my kids

For middle or high school- I can't imagine that yet. The potential for more harm is definitely there, but I hope to be less involved by that point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That's different. I think if you see her biting someone you should have her apologize but if she can't tell you who she bit at school how would you apologize?

She doesn't go to school. She's about to turn three this month. She has bitten her sister, me, and a couple of kids at playgroup (and yes, I did stop taking her to playgroup for a couple of weeks because of that). And again, I am literally following her around, standing over her, with at least one hand free, ready to yank her away or stick my hand in front of her mouth if I see her about to bite another kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DD has started biting out of frustration because she won't talk, and I absolutely am mortified and on top of it/her. Literally. I hover behind her to whisk her away when I notice her getting frustrated and for SURE apologize to whatever child she's bitten and the parent. I have funky bandaids with me at all times to hand out to kids she bites.

I would never just wave away her biting with "well she's SPECIAL NEEDS and NEEEEEEEEEDS to bite." That's bullshit. She needs to learn to resist that urge.

My kid was a very very very late talker so I do have empathy but she should not be near other kids if there is a biting risk. I'd be really pissed if you knew and your response was oops, here's a funky bandaid. There was a good year we stopped taking our kid out shopping and to eat because of his behavior. You have to meet your child's needs and putting them in biting situations is not meeting their needs. You also need to give her teeters or something else to deal with that need.

Firstly, she's not a late talker. She started and then stopped. Secondly, did you miss the part where I said I apologized to the child and the parent in addition to offering the kid a bandaid? I'm not just tossing a bandaid at a crying kid and walking away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That's different. I think if you see her biting someone you should have her apologize but if she can't tell you who she bit at school how would you apologize?

She doesn't go to school. She's about to turn three this month. She has bitten her sister, me, and a couple of kids at playgroup (and yes, I did stop taking her to playgroup for a couple of weeks because of that). And again, I am literally following her around, standing over her, with at least one hand free, ready to yank her away or stick my hand in front of her mouth if I see her about to bite another kid.

I am one who stayed very close to my chid but if you have to be ready to grab her as to a risk of biting she should never ben in that situation in the first place. That is just setting her up to fail.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DD has started biting out of frustration because she won't talk, and I absolutely am mortified and on top of it/her. Literally. I hover behind her to whisk her away when I notice her getting frustrated and for SURE apologize to whatever child she's bitten and the parent. I have funky bandaids with me at all times to hand out to kids she bites.

I would never just wave away her biting with "well she's SPECIAL NEEDS and NEEEEEEEEEDS to bite." That's bullshit. She needs to learn to resist that urge.

My kid was a very very very late talker so I do have empathy but she should not be near other kids if there is a biting risk. I'd be really pissed if you knew and your response was oops, here's a funky bandaid. There was a good year we stopped taking our kid out shopping and to eat because of his behavior. You have to meet your child's needs and putting them in biting situations is not meeting their needs. You also need to give her teeters or something else to deal with that need.

Firstly, she's not a late talker. She started and then stopped. Secondly, did you miss the part where I said I apologized to the child and the parent in addition to offering the kid a bandaid? I'm not just tossing a bandaid at a crying kid and walking away.

The point was my child was not talking either at that age. Your child has a lot going on and instead of worry about this worry about services. Honestly, if your kid bit mine, I would not be hanging around chatting with you and taking a bandaid. I'd get away from you and tend to my child. You knew she was a biter and there was a strong possibility she'd do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here- this is early elementary. And in case I wasn't clear- all of these kids have special needs and all are verbal.

So yes it is different I think for biting in preschool- where I think almost everyone bites and is bitten at some point. But I love the cool bandaid idea- that would have healed all wounds for my kids

For middle or high school- I can't imagine that yet. The potential for more harm is definitely there, but I hope to be less involved by that point.

I wouldn't worry about what other kids do and focus on parenting yours well. Remember not all kids come from attentive homes. Not all kids are emotionally capable, even if verbal, of understanding and/or having that kind of empathy. I wouldn't worry about it but if your child is at harm risk, I'd consider a different school placement.