How do we feel about apologies?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here- this is early elementary. And in case I wasn't clear- all of these kids have special needs and all are verbal.

So yes it is different I think for biting in preschool- where I think almost everyone bites and is bitten at some point. But I love the cool bandaid idea- that would have healed all wounds for my kids

For middle or high school- I can't imagine that yet. The potential for more harm is definitely there, but I hope to be less involved by that point.

Every child is different- I have noticed that my DS is less remorseful if I force an apology. I want to give him the opportunity to come to terms with His actions in his own time-- otherwise, it's just for show. I've found that when DS apologizes of his own free will, he's more articulate and more likely to make amends when he can.
I think other people can tell a genuine apology from a forced apology- the forced apology just makes things weird and uncomfortable.
None of this is to say that we don't talk about the importance of saying "sorry" or that it's only about DS's feelings- I think he has a better shot at learning to treat others more kindly if I trust him to reflect and apologize without coercion.

[Anonymous]

OP again-

I get that forcing kids to apologize if they aren't remorseful or verbal may not be productive.

But what about the parents of elementary school kids. Do you apologize or expect others to do so?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again-

I get that forcing kids to apologize if they aren't remorseful or verbal may not be productive.

But what about the parents of elementary school kids. Do you apologize or expect others to do so?

If I know the details, I may send a note to the parents, letting them know that we're sorry, and we've talked with our child and we're working on it.

My DS has been on the receiving end of some egregious behavior and I've never received a call or note from a parent. I would appreciate it if parents said something. I would feel a lot more goodwill and understanding toward a family that I know is being proactive and not making excuses/ignoring bad behavior. I don't "expect" apologies because it's not really how schools and parents operate, but it would be great if it happened.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DD has started biting out of frustration because she won't talk, and I absolutely am mortified and on top of it/her. Literally. I hover behind her to whisk her away when I notice her getting frustrated and for SURE apologize to whatever child she's bitten and the parent. I have funky bandaids with me at all times to hand out to kids she bites.

I would never just wave away her biting with "well she's SPECIAL NEEDS and NEEEEEEEEEDS to bite." That's bullshit. She needs to learn to resist that urge.

My kid was a very very very late talker so I do have empathy but she should not be near other kids if there is a biting risk. I'd be really pissed if you knew and your response was oops, here's a funky bandaid. There was a good year we stopped taking our kid out shopping and to eat because of his behavior. You have to meet your child's needs and putting them in biting situations is not meeting their needs. You also need to give her teeters or something else to deal with that need.

Firstly, she's not a late talker. She started and then stopped. Secondly, did you miss the part where I said I apologized to the child and the parent in addition to offering the kid a bandaid? I'm not just tossing a bandaid at a crying kid and walking away.

The point was my child was not talking either at that age. Your child has a lot going on and instead of worry about this worry about services. Honestly, if your kid bit mine, I would not be hanging around chatting with you and taking a bandaid. I'd get away from you and tend to my child. You knew she was a biter and there was a strong possibility she'd do it.

There's nothing to worry about. We've got her in a ton of therapy already. We can't isolate her. I am willing to hover prepared to pull her away so she can play with other kids.

[Anonymous]

My child has with SN has been bitten, kicked, hit and shoved at some point, but they weren't picking on him because of SN. These were kids struggling themselves with regulation. The teacher always made the child apologize and that is all I care about. There is no need for a parent to contact me unless my kid were seriously injured. Bruises happen.

My child with SN is on the gentle side with peers though he can be aggressive with his sister if starts it. He does other things at school where I expect him to apologize.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DD has started biting out of frustration because she won't talk, and I absolutely am mortified and on top of it/her. Literally. I hover behind her to whisk her away when I notice her getting frustrated and for SURE apologize to whatever child she's bitten and the parent. I have funky bandaids with me at all times to hand out to kids she bites.

I would never just wave away her biting with "well she's SPECIAL NEEDS and NEEEEEEEEEDS to bite." That's bullshit. She needs to learn to resist that urge.

My kid was a very very very late talker so I do have empathy but she should not be near other kids if there is a biting risk. I'd be really pissed if you knew and your response was oops, here's a funky bandaid. There was a good year we stopped taking our kid out shopping and to eat because of his behavior. You have to meet your child's needs and putting them in biting situations is not meeting their needs. You also need to give her teeters or something else to deal with that need.

Firstly, she's not a late talker. She started and then stopped. Secondly, did you miss the part where I said I apologized to the child and the parent in addition to offering the kid a bandaid? I'm not just tossing a bandaid at a crying kid and walking away.

The point was my child was not talking either at that age. Your child has a lot going on and instead of worry about this worry about services. Honestly, if your kid bit mine, I would not be hanging around chatting with you and taking a bandaid. I'd get away from you and tend to my child. You knew she was a biter and there was a strong possibility she'd do it.

There's nothing to worry about. We've got her in a ton of therapy already. We can't isolate her. I am willing to hover prepared to pull her away so she can play with other kids.

Yes, you can keep her away from other kids until the biting stage stops. Obviously if she has bitten other kids and continues, hovering isn't working.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again-

I get that forcing kids to apologize if they aren't remorseful or verbal may not be productive.

But what about the parents of elementary school kids. Do you apologize or expect others to do so?

OP, your logic may be correct but most parents aren't going to hold their kids accountable. In all reality, there is very little accountability in our world and so why should parents parent with accountability when there are no true consequences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again-

I get that forcing kids to apologize if they aren't remorseful or verbal may not be productive.

But what about the parents of elementary school kids. Do you apologize or expect others to do so?

I would not expect the parents to get involved if the incident was handled by the school. My SN was hit by another child just earlier this week. My child told me the teacher made the classmate apologize. I have no idea if the other child has special needs nor do I think it's any of my business. I would feel weird if the parents contacted me to apologize and would say there's nothing to apologize for. My child and their child already talked it out at school. Case closed.