Trying to keep my mouth shut

[Anonymous]

Dcum, please be my Anonymous sounding board so I don't ruin my real life relationships.

My friend is in an ethnic group where family is very close and intertwined. Friend and sibling still live at home (long out of college). My friend has a brother. About 7 years ago when he was in college their family had a bit a melt down when it came out that he had been discretely meeting a close male friend from high school on the weekends. None of us (my friend's friends) were particularly surprised and it seemed clear to us what this meant (he was gay). The family responded by essentially painting this other man (who brother went to high school with) as Satan incarnate who simply led brother astray. This man's name has been like voldemort in their house. They forbade brother from ever contacting man again.

We have occasionally over the years started conversations broaching the topic that brother might be gay with friend only to have it shot down again and again. Friend is actually a crazy lgbtq advocate so this block has always seemed strange to us.

A few months ago friends brother announces that he's getting married in one month. To a man. To THE man that he used to run away with years ago. And they've been planning the wedding for like a year. Entire family is shell shocked. Didn't know brother was gay, didn't know brother was dating, brother had basically been living an entirely separate life. While living with the family.

Friends family and friend refused to go to the wedding (friend refused place of honor in the wedding). Did it saying that brother and new husband had been disrespectful and that they felt lied to and betrayed. Friend says they've lost their only sibling.

I want to go yell at the whole family (who I've known since childhood). They seem completely oblivious as to how this happened. I'm so sad for all of them, they were the closest of families. And they are being completely histrionic. I know I can't go do that but I'm so frustrated and thought typing out how frustrated I am might make me less frustrated! Sigh. Brother clearly didn't handle this well but it's just so frustrating to watch the whole family fall apart.

[Anonymous]

I would reach out to the brother. Good for him for getting out of an environment that doesn't allow him to be who he is. I would let him know that although we're not technically family, I support him and his actions and wish him all the love and luck in the world, going into his marriage.

[Anonymous]

Cliff notes, pls.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like brother handled it as well as he could when his entire family refuses to accept him as he is. He doesn't owe them anything, really.

I would gently encourage your friend to accept his brother. If family means everything, then he shouldn't be cast out like this. I'd mention unconditional love/support for family members, and all that. Gently. In a non-judgmental way. It's more likely to work that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would reach out to the brother. Good for him for getting out of an environment that doesn't allow him to be who he is. I would let him know that although we're not technically family, I support him and his actions and wish him all the love and luck in the world, going into his marriage.

TBF, when the dust settled family did try to talk about brother being gay a few times which he always denied. But voldemort was always voldemort.

And also slightly TBF friend let his family vilify voldemort for years and years to avoid dealing with them himself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Cliff notes, pls.

OP's friend's brother just came out of closet. Friend's family being assholes. OP wants to yell at them.

[Anonymous]

You need to be work very hard to keep neutral here, OP.
At least in public.
Why? Because they love each other, and may find each other again in the future.
Whereas you, if you go and tell the family and your friend that their cruel intolerance has driven this poor man to secrecy and shame, they will hate you forever!

So, hope for a reconciliation. But don't even mention it now. Wait a bit.

[Anonymous]

Stay out of it. It doesn't involve you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would reach out to the brother. Good for him for getting out of an environment that doesn't allow him to be who he is. I would let him know that although we're not technically family, I support him and his actions and wish him all the love and luck in the world, going into his marriage.

TBF, when the dust settled family did try to talk about brother being gay a few times which he always denied. But voldemort was always voldemort.

And also slightly TBF friend let his family vilify voldemort for years and years to avoid dealing with them himself.

You don't need to understand the dynamics of what happened. You just need to express your support to the brother for making his own decisions about what's best for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would reach out to the brother. Good for him for getting out of an environment that doesn't allow him to be who he is. I would let him know that although we're not technically family, I support him and his actions and wish him all the love and luck in the world, going into his marriage.

TBF, when the dust settled family did try to talk about brother being gay a few times which he always denied. But voldemort was always voldemort.

And also slightly TBF friend let his family vilify voldemort for years and years to avoid dealing with them himself.

You don't need to understand the dynamics of what happened. You just need to express your support to the brother for making his own decisions about what's best for him.

The brother isn't my friend. I do support him but at the end of the day the brother doesn't really care what I think, I'm my friend's friend.

I really don't think anything I could say or do would be appropriate but friend wants to meet up in a couple weeks to go over it all/vent and I'm concerned about my ability to be...helpful. I feel bad for all of them. Brother had his reasons and I think the family has a lot of blame but lying to their faces for 10 years is also tough.

Anyway mostly just venting here so that when I meet up with friend I don't say anything to cause a fight.

[Anonymous]

I really don't think anything I could say or do would be appropriate but friend wants to meet up in a couple weeks to go over it all/vent and I'm concerned about my ability to be...helpful. I feel bad for all of them. Brother had his reasons and I think the family has a lot of blame but lying to their faces for 10 years is also tough.

You, clearly, have limited life experience and imagination. His family was overwhelming in their disapproval. He wasn't even comfortable discussing it with his sister who, supposedly, is such an LBGT supporter. The question isn't why he lied for 10 years but how did he find the strength to finally come out? Or, if that question doesn't do it for you, what would compel a person to lie for 10 years to their family? Shame? Fear of rejection? Fear of losing his home and family?

[Anonymous]

I think I'd slowly ask my friend: do you want to be right or do you want to have a relationship with your brother?

They can concentrate on the fact that "he lied" all they like. But they all know damn well WHY he did that. It was made quite clear to him that being gay and with this man was not a route to family harmony. So he "lied" to keep the peace while he was still living at home, until he felt comfortable enough to set up a life with his lover.

I doubt his sister is as supportive as you claim. Of COURSE HE LIED. Get over it, work on accepting him as he is now, and maybe she should ask HIM about what it's been like having to lie to a close minded family for 10 years. That sounds rough.

[Anonymous]

I think the brother handled it the only way he could with these nuts. Just change the topic if they go on about it, saying you don't agree. I'd reach out to the brother to say good job and good luck and if your heart's there and you are close enough, offer to support his special day any way you can.

[Anonymous]

I don't see that he was dishonest or that he lied. That's a ruse to not deal with the actual topic at hand- their inability to accept who he is. What did he lie about- the nitty gritty of what he did in the bedroom? Who he spent time with? I'd compare that to your friend... ask if she thinks you are a liar because you haven't gone over every detail with her on what you do in your bedroom or what she does in hers. They need to get their mind out of the gutter.

He's the same person, only gay. So what.

[Anonymous]

His family dynamics are not your business. Stay out of it.