Trying to keep my mouth shut

[Anonymous]

I am very pro gay. However, I don't see why any of this bothers you. If your friend wants to vent, let her. If she asks your advice, give it. But seriously, this has nothing to do with you and how you feel. Not every gay person needs a pat on the back and high five for being gay.

[Anonymous]

Jeez people. I'm not saying I want to get myself involved. I've known this family for decades and friend is the one who told all of us in a really dramatic format. She brought us (myself and some other friends) into the fold here.

I did text brother and congratulate him, with no commentary on the family dynamics.

My friend is really dramatic, she's going to want to talk about this in depth and get lots of support/commiseration. I COMPLETELY understand why brother lied. But also knowing them, I have the context of knowing that they are a VERY tight knit family (not just them, a huge extended family, they are a culture that is super intertwined with all kinds of extended family, think Italian or Greek). And family did try to start a dialogue about this a couple times over the course of the years and was shut down. I'm not taking their side but I do understand being very hurt that someone you felt like you knew like the back of your hand had been living a completely different life than you thought. They're all up in each other's business, there was no was to do with this without years and years of lying and of brother's friends lying on his behalf (rightly). That all sounds like I'm on their side, I'm really not. I think this is terrible and that they are essentially reaping what they have sown. But there is also deeper context than simply, 'they are unsupportive jerks.'

I mostly came here to get my thoughts out to strangers instead of my friend because I know its not my business. But I KNOW she is going to want me to sit there and say how horrible I think this all is and I'm just trying to figure out how I handle that conversation.

[Anonymous]

You have to stay out of it. Everything you wrote is irrelevant. Doesn't matter how long you knew them. It's a family matter, you're not family, walk away and say nothing. Nothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have to stay out of it. Everything you wrote is irrelevant. Doesn't matter how long you knew them. It's a family matter, you're not family, walk away and say nothing. Nothing.

So when your friend approaches you to talk about a family problem you just walk away and say nothing? I somehow doubt you have many friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have to stay out of it. Everything you wrote is irrelevant. Doesn't matter how long you knew them. It's a family matter, you're not family, walk away and say nothing. Nothing.

So when your friend approaches you to talk about a family problem you just walk away and say nothing? I somehow doubt you have many friends.

Np. Of course not you just have to learn the art of supporting without giving an opinion . Arm yourself with neutral phrases : " that sounds tough "

" how do you feel about it "

" I'm glad you feel comfortable talking to me about this.



"You all love each other a lot.

[Anonymous]

Ask her one question:

How easy did you make it for your brother to come to you with this information? Be honest.

[Anonymous]

If she talks to you about it and asks your opinion you can be honest and say "I don't understand why you are so upset. I think it would have been hard for him to be honest with you guys. He was in a tough spot." If she doesn't ask, say nothing. she may not want to be your friend, but I wouldn't want to be her friend. I wouldn't be able to trust her after this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
You need to be work very hard to keep neutral here, OP.
At least in public.
Why? Because they love each other, and may find each other again in the future.
Whereas you, if you go and tell the family and your friend that their cruel intolerance has driven this poor man to secrecy and shame, they will hate you forever!

So, hope for a reconciliation. But don't even mention it now. Wait a bit.

The fact that they're family would be what motivated me to speak to the family and sacrifice my relationship with them, which is less important than their relationship with each other. If there's a chance I could do good by speaking out, I would try to do so. The friend is an LGBT advocate and does not see what friend has done? I would start there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Jeez people. I'm not saying I want to get myself involved. I've known this family for decades and friend is the one who told all of us in a really dramatic format. She brought us (myself and some other friends) into the fold here.

I did text brother and congratulate him, with no commentary on the family dynamics.

My friend is really dramatic, she's going to want to talk about this in depth and get lots of support/commiseration. I COMPLETELY understand why brother lied. But also knowing them, I have the context of knowing that they are a VERY tight knit family (not just them, a huge extended family, they are a culture that is super intertwined with all kinds of extended family, think Italian or Greek). And family did try to start a dialogue about this a couple times over the course of the years and was shut down. I'm not taking their side but I do understand being very hurt that someone you felt like you knew like the back of your hand had been living a completely different life than you thought. They're all up in each other's business, there was no was to do with this without years and years of lying and of brother's friends lying on his behalf (rightly). That all sounds like I'm on their side, I'm really not. I think this is terrible and that they are essentially reaping what they have sown. But there is also deeper context than simply, 'they are unsupportive jerks.'

I mostly came here to get my thoughts out to strangers instead of my friend because I know its not my business. But I KNOW she is going to want me to sit there and say how horrible I think this all is and I'm just trying to figure out how I handle that conversation.

I would definitely make clear that (at a minimum) you can see both sides. "I can see how you all are hurt, but he did this out of insecurity and pain - it was very difficult when we were growing up, and I'm hopeful that this generation in society will make it easier for someone to be who they are openly."

Or suggest that this is a really common occurrence in coming out, and that they should get family counseling?

Basically you don't have to shame them to suggest that the brother deserves empathy, not scorn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have to stay out of it. Everything you wrote is irrelevant. Doesn't matter how long you knew them. It's a family matter, you're not family, walk away and say nothing. Nothing.

So when your friend approaches you to talk about a family problem you just walk away and say nothing? I somehow doubt you have many friends.

You're judgy to an anonymous stranger based on absolutely nothing. With this degree of judginess there is not a scenario under which this ends well. You can listen to your friend and acknowledge her feelings. Say stuff like "this is really hard and i am here for you". But you will not be able to talk her out of how she feels or what they do as a family. They may eventually work it out as a family, or not. But you forever will remain in their eyes as a busy body who overstepped and butted in when she should have stayed out.