thoughts on telling older child you're doing IVF?

[Anonymous]

I've got an 11 year old. We're still trying to give her a sibling, which she DESPERATELY wants. We've had multiple failed pregnancies, one of which she ended up learning about because it was unavoidable. She's extremely invested in the whole process and a very intuitive kid. She notices everything.

DH and I have agreed to dip our toes into IVF and give it the old college try before finally giving up forever. I'm about to start stimming and I will soon have a refrigerator of injectibles. I hadn't planned on telling her what we're doing. First, I don't want to get her hopes up. Second, I just want to let her be a kid without worrying about stuff like this. (I know her, she will be stressed about it--worried about the shots, worried about the procedures, worried about the outcome.) Third, she's a kid. She tells her friends EVERYTHING. Selfishly, I don't really want every neighborhood mom to know what we're up to and, trust me, they will know about 12 hours after she knows. And I just don't feel like dealing with a collection of well-meaning busy-bodies into my personal fertility journey. But... it's kind of a joke to think that I can hide all this from her. The shots. The side effects that are likely from the shots. All of the upcoming appointments.

Anybody else dealt with a similar scenario, i.e. your first kid is old enough to notice and ask questions about your IVF process? How much did you decide to tell? How much is too much/too little to say? How did you describe it? I'm thinking of just saying "mommy is taking some medicine to try to help her make a baby" and that's about it. But she's pretty mature and she's definitely going to know/tell/feel that I'm not telling her the whole story and she doesn't like that.

(And...in case it comes up, I will have no problem talking to her, or any eventual sibling, later that the second child was a product of IVF. It's not like I'm ashamed of it or don't want them to know. And it's not that I haven't been open with 11 year old about how babies are made. It's just that I'm not sure it'll be good for her to know the entire detailed process of it at her age. But maybe I'm wrong?)

THANKS!

[Anonymous]

I am very close to my 8 y.o. Niece and so she knows about it. This is partly due the fact that it's been a big struggle, and my sis rather awesomely makes me out to be this hero/warrior for going through it. The other night I was there doing my shot and I wanted to protect my niece from seeing it, but, in retrospect, I wish I had let her see it because I think kids imaginations make things much scarier than they really are. My niece has handled it well I think bc we didn't put shame/secrecy around it. I've also told most close friends though.

[Anonymous]

I think it's a good idea to protect her from all the ups and downs of an IVF cycle -- it's a lot for an adult to go through, and too much of an elation/devastation roller coaster for a child. Can you do your shots at work and keep them in a fridge there? Or if you're a SAHM, keep them in a neighbor's fridge and do them while DD is at school. There shouldn't be any side effects that an 11 year old would notice. And you can do your monitoring appointments while she is at school.

[Anonymous]

If you do tell her, I think your explanation should be minimal but accurate -- like, we went to a doctor to ask what we can do to make it more likely that we can have a baby, and the doctor said to take these shots. We won't know for several months whether it helped (since I doubt you'll want to tell her you're pregnant until after 12 weeks). Then don't give her daily updates about number of follicles, eggs retrieved, embryos, etc. All that would make any child worry.

[Anonymous]

OP here. PP nailed it on the head by mentioning the ups and downs that I'm trying to protect her from. That's exactly my worry. But the practical suggestions you shared just wouldn't work. I work and since the shots have to be 12 hours apart there's no way to do them all at work. I need to take one in the morning when she's interrupting me 5 times to ask me what to wear and one at night when she wants me to watch Dance Moms reruns or help with homework. And we only have one fridge at home. (And our neighbors are not people I want to involve in this and be randomly bothering them in the am or pm.) And in fact, I will be having to leave my house before she goes to school on all my monitoring days so I can do it before heading to work. And if there is any weight gain, she'll be on me like a hawk. She has noticed my previous 3 pregnancies within WEEKS because of bloating. She's like a Seeing Eye Kid, this one. Hiding the shots is frankly going to be impossible. Hiding the appointments, impossible. I guess what I'm trying to figure out is which is worse for her... watching her stress out from not knowing what's really going on and feeling like she's only getting half-truths from us or giving her an explanation that might be too much for her to be able to mentally/emotionally process and having her go through what is very difficult emotionally for adults, let alone kids.

[Anonymous]

OP, I would not tell, mostly due to her friends and other people finding out, but also because she might get too invested in it. What you can do: get a small cheap refrigerator (eg. from target or costco) which you can return later. Keep your meds in your room in that mini fridge. If you can fit it in the walk in closet - even better.

There are no horrible side effects that others can notice. You might have some bruising on your stomach, but that's about it, and easy to cover. You can also wear long sleeves to cover the veins which will have marks from blood draws.

Appointments are not a big deal. You can say you need to cover for someone in the office & go there early or have training early in the morning on certain days. It will not feel good to lie, but I firmly believe in privacy for this process.

[Anonymous]

I don't see any reason to hide the shots. Like the PP said, just say they are medicine that is supposed to help. Just like a diabetic takes insulin. Once you get used to them, they're pretty quick too.

I think once YOU get used to the whole thing, it will be easy for you to convey to her that it's no big deal. Because while doing IVF is a big deal in a mental/emotional sense, the mechanics of it really aren't, it's some shots and some doctor's appointments. (It seems really overwhelming before you start, but trust me it's not that bad.) Not anything she needs to worry about.

I'm not sure what to say about the weight gain issue. Medication sometimes causes weight gain. It's normal.

[Anonymous]

There's a balance between kids having to know all the intimate details of our lives and not telling them anything and thus shielding them from reality. The truth in this situation is this is an adult matter and you deserve privacy. Tell her the shots are to help make a baby and the appointments are the same. The end. Your child's observation skills are a fantastic asset. I have an 11 year old with similar qualities and sometimes I have to tell her, "this is a grown up matter, I've said all I'm going to say about it. Now eat your peas."

[Anonymous]

I feel this child is WAY too young to be burdened with this. I am actually shocked and rather horrified that you'd even consider it. I'd do my best to hide it or explain away with another, minor health issue (pick one).

[Anonymous]

I also want to flag that there's a difference in a close neice knowing she might get a cousin out of this process and a daughter knowing she might get a (very much wanted) baby brother or sister. She's already going to be so incredibly invested.

I think I would reconsider, OP, whether there is a way to hide the treatment from her to protect her heart. You can ask your RE whether you can do shots once per day rather than twice. Maybe spend some time thinking creatively about how to make some space in which you can do this without involving her.

[Anonymous]

some conversations and topics are for adults only. end of story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. PP nailed it on the head by mentioning the ups and downs that I'm trying to protect her from. That's exactly my worry. But the practical suggestions you shared just wouldn't work. I work and since the shots have to be 12 hours apart there's no way to do them all at work. I need to take one in the morning when she's interrupting me 5 times to ask me what to wear and one at night when she wants me to watch Dance Moms reruns or help with homework. And we only have one fridge at home. (And our neighbors are not people I want to involve in this and be randomly bothering them in the am or pm.) And in fact, I will be having to leave my house before she goes to school on all my monitoring days so I can do it before heading to work. And if there is any weight gain, she'll be on me like a hawk. She has noticed my previous 3 pregnancies within WEEKS because of bloating. She's like a Seeing Eye Kid, this one. Hiding the shots is frankly going to be impossible. Hiding the appointments, impossible. I guess what I'm trying to figure out is which is worse for her... watching her stress out from not knowing what's really going on and feeling like she's only getting half-truths from us or giving her an explanation that might be too much for her to be able to mentally/emotionally process and having her go through what is very difficult emotionally for adults, let alone kids.

The excuses you mention are not a big deal. She interrupts you in the morning? Guess what, the bathroom door has a lock on it. You can say that something at work will require you to leave early, end of story. Adult stuff is for adults, do not come up with excuses to burden an 11 yo with all this stuff. She is too young and can't be your support system in this.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like a tough situation. I don't have experience in this because my older son was only 2.5 when I was cycling.

Maybe you can space your shots at 10 am and 10 pm so you can do the morning shot in the office and the evening shot after she went to sleep? or even 11am and 11pm. You can bring the medicine to the office in an ice pack. I guess it depends on the protocol, but I didn't have that much meds that needed to be refrigerated, so I think you could just put the meds in a brown back and hide it in the back of the fridge.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

That is tough OP.

I have a friend with an only child who is a daughter and they have a similar dynamic where the daughter feels the right to know everything that is going on and is way too immersed in adult issues. She will tell me that she must tell her daughter X,Y,Z because otherwise the daughter's feelings will be hurt and she will be upset. It always sounds to me more like they are girlfriends, rather than mother/daughter. I don't know if you're in this position with your daughter, but the dynamic sounds similar to me. I can certainly understand how a relationship would get this way and how hard it is to backtrack suddenly at age 11.

All that said, I don't think your daughter should know about your IVF. It's too much for her and it will make it impossible for you to maintain any privacy. You're the adult. You're going through this. Not her. She thinks she wants to know everything, but she doesn't. She's a kid. Let her be one.

I like the PP's suggestion about doing the shots at say 10am and 10pm. Once you do them a few times, it's very fast. As for leaving early for monitoring, tell her you have work commitments. That your daughter would comment on bloating is honestly a bit weird. I guess wear baggy shirts. And then tell her that commenting on other people's slight weight gain isn't socially acceptable.

And on the emotional front, hold it together in front of her. Period. On some level, you will probably be relieved that you have to do that. It will make it easier to just carry on with regular life while you're going through everything.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
The excuses you mention are not a big deal. She interrupts you in the morning? Guess what, the bathroom door has a lock on it. You can say that something at work will require you to leave early, end of story. Adult stuff is for adults, do not come up with excuses to burden an 11 yo with all this stuff. She is too young and can't be your support system in this.

I don't get the impression OP wants to burden her daughter with anything. She has an extremely observant kid. Did you see the part about how she knew her mother was pregnant within weeks because of weight gain? I have to assume those pregnancies did not end well, so I imagine this kid is already feeling burdened by knowledge and that can't really be erased. I think the OP will do what she can to mitigate the burden on her kid, but I think it's unrealistic (in this particular situation) to think she can hide everything.