thoughts on telling older child you're doing IVF?

[Anonymous]

Telling young children that they came from a donor egg is telling them something fundamental about themselves....telling a child details about IVF is telling her something about YOUR medical procedure - I see that as a crucial difference.

Also, keep in mind that IVF is often unsuccessful. Even if you warn her otherwise, I would imagine that your daughter would get her hopes up if she knew what you were trying to do....even those of us who are old enough to know better still get our hopes up much higher than we should. It's really heartbreaking to get a negative result, especially after going through all of the work of a cycle. I'd recommend sparing your kiddo as much of that as you can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I guess now I'm one of those annoying people who keep responding to the responders, but here goes.

I did say my daughter noticed each pregnancy. I didn't mean to suggest that I spoke to her about them or let her know she was right. Either she's just one of those sensitive, empaths who can pick up on stuff or what, but she knew. Each time, she knew. And she would tell me I knew. And I would deny. I would deflect. I even tried the whole "it's not polite to point out weigh gain" line once. She winked at me and said something smart-alecky like "it's not polite to lie to your kid about not being pregnant." I know, people are eye-rolling that I think I have a special snowflake. But she's... special. She sees things people don't want seen. She pays attention to everything. And still, I've literally lied to her face about it all. Except for vaguely finally giving in one Christmas day when she was crying while playing with her legos that it was going to be yet another year with no sibling to play with. Maybe it was wrong. But it felt right just to tell her that we were still trying. And I literally had no choice about one of the miscarriages. I wouldn't have told her the truth but a medical professional took that out of my hands.

My gut told me to maybe be vaguely honest about medicine, since she's going to see it and I have no intention of buying a mini fridge and trying to hide it. Our house isn't so huge that she wouldn't notice something like that. I don't have a "walk in closet." And we don't have locks on any doors in the house except the front and the back. But my gut was also telling me not to say anything more because I do want to protect her heart from the ups and downs. I just wanted some thoughts from the community on whether I should actually say more. Other threads have people telling their kids at 3 and 4 that they came from a donor egg, which I get is a different situation, but it still made me at least wonder whether I should tell my deeply invested pre-teen a little more than what I had been telling her. I'm frankly shocked at all the judgment getting thrown my way. Thanks to those of you who have posted thoughtful suggestions. They are deeply appreciated.

You should try to keep this private. If she calls your bluff on it, then go from there.

If you want practical tips on doing all this on the down low, I can help with that part. I had to take multiple group vacations with a shared fridge and shared bathrooms while doing IVF shots. The only thing that needs to be refrigerated is the small vials. Other gear you will have...syringes, possibly the multi-use injection pen, a sharpie disposal container, progesterone suppositories...all of that can be hidden on a top shelf in your closet. Hide the medicine (again, not large...you can take it out of the box) in a cleaned out mayo jar on the side of the fridge or in a small Tupperware wrapped in a paper towel shoved way in the back. You know your family and your family's habits. Find something that no one will investigate. Unless your daughter thoroughly cleans the fridge regularly, this will work.

Do you have an office at work with a lock? Do the morning shot at work. Bring everything you need in a small cooler (like one you would pack your lunch in). Do the evening shot at home after your daughter is in bed.

There are practical ways around this. You can do this OP.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you are looking for excuses to share this with her. You immediately shot down even suggestion that could actually help you keep it private.

[Anonymous]

OP sounds like you want to tell her.
You are making excuses. Get a bathroom lock. Everyone should have one. Get a mini fridge.

Your daughter sounds like she has anxiety.

[Anonymous]

OP, if you are here, one more thing: my younger brother and I have a 9 year age difference. we DIDN'T play together, ever. We have a good relationship now, in our 30s/40s, but growing up we were not close at all, not friendly, not play pals, nothing of the kind. I don't think a 7-11 y.o. fully understands what she is asking for when she asks for a sibling. Maybe she is lonely or has this idealized idea of a great sibling or wants what her friends have if there is a small age gap between a friend or their sibling. But trust me, she does not want a screaming infant who is going to take up most of the parents' energy and attention.

[Anonymous]

Get a mini fridge and put it in your closet.

[Anonymous]

Buy a mini fridge and keep the IVF private. Kids do not need to be all up in your business. Time to teach her about privacy.

[Anonymous]

And who are these people with no locks in their homes? Between college apartments (even a 1 bedroom), after college and three houses, I have had locks in all the houses on all interior doors. Does your kid know not to open a closed door at least? I think you are into a peer relationship territory and like it. This IVF thing will be the least of your worries in about 8 years, because you're not setting boundaries.

[Anonymous]

This is to the other posters (not the OP): I think it would be easier for OP to hear your advice if you phrased it in a nice way. Anyone would shut down in the face of some of the "advice" above.

I think there's truth in all of the posts above. But you're not helping OP if you attack her -- she'll never be able to hear your suggestions this way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And who are these people with no locks in their homes? Between college apartments (even a 1 bedroom), after college and three houses, I have had locks in all the houses on all interior doors. Does your kid know not to open a closed door at least? I think you are into a peer relationship territory and like it. This IVF thing will be the least of your worries in about 8 years, because you're not setting boundaries.

OPs home probably had locks initially but OP had to take them down because nothing can be hidden from her daughter :rolleyes:.

[Anonymous]

OP, I wonder how many of these people have older children. My kids are twelve and they would definitely notice if my schedule changed and I was suddenly injecting myself with something that I kept in the fridge. I would be concerned they would think it was something bad if I tried to keep them in the dark (like a cancer diagnosis).

I would try to keep it simple and say you were trying a new medicine to try and help you get pregnant, and keep it vague.