How to help 11yo son not cry?

[Anonymous]

My 11yo son will occasionally cry about things, like being frustrated about being teased by his big brother or accidentally getting hurt while playing or during a sport like baseball. When he cries, it's at home, not at school.

I need advice on how to help him to handle these situations differently.

[Anonymous]

Does it bother him that he cries? He seems to have figured out that it's not acceptable for him to cry in public. Why can't he cry in private?

What would you rather he do in these situations?

[Anonymous]

He may be decompressing and the tears are good for that. He may be attention seeking, so ignore the tears and give him attention at other times. Finally, perhaps he is at a loss as what to do in these circumstances, so walk through them with him. What can he do the next time this situation occurs.

[Anonymous]

Crying is good for you. I wouldn't put the kibosh on that, especially since he does it in the privacy of his own home.

[Anonymous]

I don't know that you need to stop his tears, but maybe you do need to look at the sibling behaviors which lead to them

[Anonymous]

I get what you are saying OP. I would feel the same about my 11 yr old girl who can cry at the drop of a hat.

I think at home, let him find that release, but do talk to him about dealing with the teasing, both sides. I guess your DS is just very sensitive. I talk to my kids about how in life there will always be someone who says mean things to you or about you, that you have to learn to fight them off in your heart and not let it get you down. Otherwise, you give power to those words.

[Anonymous]

Big brother needs to back down and stop bullying him at home. No more teasing. Or teach the younger one to stand up to him. Ask him what he does if someone teases him at school? If he says nothing, then he has it all bottled up inside until he gets home...waiting to be teased by the big bro.

[Anonymous]

I am an easy crier, always have been. I don't think non criers really understand really understand the therapeutic value. You can't micromanage emotions like that. You just can't. it's of physical, biological, hormonal reaction. It is not a weakness

[Anonymous]

What's wrong with crying in the privacy of your own home?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am an easy crier, always have been. I don't think non criers really understand really understand the therapeutic value. You can't micromanage emotions like that. You just can't. it's of physical, biological, hormonal reaction. It is not a weakness

I tend to agree with you, but I find that if you cry when someone teases you, then you are showing the other person that they have power over you. That's why I teach my kids to try not to let the teasing get to them. I find that the more dc#2 reacts to the teasing, the more DC#1 teases. Yes, I tell DC#1 to knock it off, but I can't always be there, at home or at school to protect my kids. Unfortunately, it is a big bad world, and they have to learn to handle the teasing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am an easy crier, always have been. I don't think non criers really understand really understand the therapeutic value. You can't micromanage emotions like that. You just can't. it's of physical, biological, hormonal reaction. It is not a weakness

+1

If your son is only crying at home, and not in public, then I don't see the problem. He's upset. Tears are a way of both expressing that and managing it. I always feel better after I cry.

You can try to help him see that crying when his siblings tease him only makes them tease him more, and so he can try not to cry in front of them, as a strategy, but please don't teach him not to cry or that crying is something to be ashamed of.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am an easy crier, always have been. I don't think non criers really understand really understand the therapeutic value. You can't micromanage emotions like that. You just can't. it's of physical, biological, hormonal reaction. It is not a weakness

I tend to agree with you, but I find that if you cry when someone teases you, then you are showing the other person that they have power over you. That's why I teach my kids to try not to let the teasing get to them. I find that the more dc#2 reacts to the teasing, the more DC#1 teases. Yes, I tell DC#1 to knock it off, but I can't always be there, at home or at school to protect my kids. Unfortunately, it is a big bad world, and they have to learn to handle the teasing.

So? I mean, yeah, other people, especially people you love and admire, have the power to hurt your feelings. If my husband or my mother were teasing me in a mean way, I might cry, too. But maybe it's good for this kid's older brother to see that he is hurting his little brother. Maybe he could stand to learn a little empathy.

Sure, teach the kid that one strategy for dealing with mean people is to ignore them or practice not letting them get to you. But that is a long process for most of us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am an easy crier, always have been. I don't think non criers really understand really understand the therapeutic value. You can't micromanage emotions like that. You just can't. it's of physical, biological, hormonal reaction. It is not a weakness

I tend to agree with you, but I find that if you cry when someone teases you, then you are showing the other person that they have power over you. That's why I teach my kids to try not to let the teasing get to them. I find that the more dc#2 reacts to the teasing, the more DC#1 teases. Yes, I tell DC#1 to knock it off, but I can't always be there, at home or at school to protect my kids. Unfortunately, it is a big bad world, and they have to learn to handle the teasing.

So? I mean, yeah, other people, especially people you love and admire, have the power to hurt your feelings. If my husband or my mother were teasing me in a mean way, I might cry, too. But maybe it's good for this kid's older brother to see that he is hurting his little brother. Maybe he could stand to learn a little empathy.

Sure, teach the kid that one strategy for dealing with mean people is to ignore them or practice not letting them get to you. But that is a long process for most of us.

This isn't about your spouse; OP's DS is not an adult. Yes, the older brother needs to stop, but like I said, as a parent, you can't always be there to protect your kids. The older brother is teasing the younger to exert his power and make his little brother miserable. I have an older brother; I see the same in my older DS to younger sibling. Best strategy here is to deflect and ignore, not cry and show the older brother has the power.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Crying is good for you. I wouldn't put the kibosh on that, especially since he does it in the privacy of his own home.

This. He feels safe at home, and this he's a preteen. Let him get it out. Nothing wrong with crying.

[Anonymous]

I don't think you should be encouraging this message that he shouldn't cry. Even if you have good intentions, it just further entrenches this mindset that men don't cry.

Talk to him about how it's okay to cry, it's okay to want privacy while he cries, and teach him some alternative coping mechanisms that don't boil down to "you are a man so hide your emotions". Tell him it's always okay to talk to you about these frustrations and get advice too.

He's clearly an emotional kid, and crying is a great way to get that frustration out. I think if teenage boys spent more time crying and emotionally venting, they'd spend less time on more dangerous externalizing behaviours (drinking, fighting, punching walls...) Of course, society needs to encourage this first...