Dealing with husband's job loss
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Anonymous
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So my husband lost his job, and we're three months away from having our third baby, and we just bought our first house two months ago. And he's a minister, which means we are not only losing his livelihood, but we're losing our Church community. A place our two children adore and are adored and feel safe, and where they have been for most of their lives. It's a total mess. Most of the congregation doesn't know, but the Board does. He doesn't leave until the end of the church year - in June. So for Easter Sunday, we were all there, and I kept having to try not to weep. I can't imagine each weekend continuing there like that.
We moved here for him to have this job, just as we would need to move for him to have a new job. I left my friends and a neighborhood I loved and everything I had known for 10 years. I've struggled to make friends here. I now work from home, so I'm isolated. BUT my eldest son, who is special needs, has found the perfect school to suit him - one that cannot be easily replicated and has ended our searching and brought us so much comfort and support. This school is rare, and given that he's bounced from school to school every year since he was 6 months old, we desperately want him to have more than a year there. So I think we're going to try and stay and live on my salary and the assumption that my husband can make a few extra through fill ins and other jobs. Nothing is set yet, but that's kind of the "working plan" right now in the first phases of his job loss. My husband is not dealing that well, understandably, so I need to be very very careful with how I present myself around him. I think if I shared my heartbreak and fears it would just be too much for him right now, as he is already talking about how he's failed us etc. I want to support him, especially with the news being SO fresh, but I also am just in desperate need of someone's shoulder to cry on. He doesn't want me telling anyone yet, until we have some time to wrap our minds around it and for him to feel strong enough to face the fact that he was fired. In the meantime, I'm trying so hard to be cheerful, but I'm devastated and anxious and completely thrown off balance. I guess I mostly needed an anonymous place to vent, but if anyone has dealt with supporting their spouse through something while shouldering how it impacts them, I'd love for you to share your wisdom. I got some great advice before when it first hit just about how to initially cope with the financial loss and everything, so hopefully this will also give me some good support. Thank you. |
Anonymous
| OP, I'm so sorry. That's really rough, and feeling isolated doesn't help. Do you have any contact with your solid community back home? Even through Facebook or something? |
Anonymous
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I have dealt with something similar, and honestly, the best you can do is just be present for him and whatever he's going through. A witness, if you will. Don't try to solve the problem for him unless he asks for specific solutions. I spent a long time mistaking my husband's need for comfort as a need for help, and I think that ultimately that was more frustrating to both of us.
It sounds like you guys have a plan of sorts for dealing with the practicalities of the situation, but as far as the emotional side, the community side, etc., that will be harder. I don't understand how it works in churches - are you leaving the congregation? It sounds like yes, since he was fired. What was he fired for? Are there other ministry options for him locally that he could pursue aggressively now and then when June comes along, it could be framed as him moving in a different direction, rather than "getting fired"? |
Anonymous
| OP here, yes I do. I just want to respect my husband's wishes to keep it close for a bit while he wraps his mind around it. They all love us and it would certainly worry them to no end, and he's friends with several of my girlfriends' husbands so it would end up traveling back. Several of them are actually coming here next month for my birthday, so the cat's going to be out of the bag in one way or another, but I just can't call them yet (which is rough because now is exactly when I need them). |
Anonymous
| I'm sorry but how does a minister get fired? This sounds fishy. |
Anonymous
Nah. Churches regularly find themselves unable to fund their staffing needs. |
Anonymous
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11:19 - unfortunately the ministry in this denomination only hires in January, with positions beginning in August. There are no options for him at this point. While there are a few other churches in this area within the denomination, none of them would be appropriate.
to both 11:19 and 11:27 His getting fired I think was just a clash of personalities and expectations. Mostly he's not as responsive and not great with admin stuff. Nothing fishy about it - people get fired all the time. It's not going to be good for him in terms of the next job - he'll have explaining to do and he'll need to work on those skills - but it's not like he got fired for messing around with a parishioner or anything. Nothing that would damage his career as a whole. BUT you can't continue to attend a church if you cease to be a minister - at least not in this denomination. School rules or whatever... and we wouldn't want to. Too awkward. |
Anonymous
| Sounds like the congregation voted with their wallets. |
Anonymous
| Minister move geographically all the time. This is standard. Having regret about moving is pointless and should be something you prepared for. Having concern and worry about finding the next position, yes that is very understandable. I'm sorry for your loss. |
Anonymous
| He needs a new career field. This is BS |
Anonymous
| I think you have every right to feel as you do. However, you need to recognize that the artificial things you feel attached to (schools, etc) are not as important as him finding a job anywhere doing anything. Or you finding a job. Figure out the finances first before you grieve everything else. |
Anonymous
| Churches often treat pastors very poorly. Pastors usually put up with a lot more than they should for far longer than they should. Encourage your DH to get into chaplaincy in a hospital or other setting where he is employed by a secular organization that has safeguards against capricious and unfair treatment of employees. |
Anonymous
| I'm so sorry; rough situation all around. Have you read the book "The Praying Wife"? It might be helpful. Hang in there, these wrinkles have a way of working out. Blessings on the addition to your family! |
Anonymous
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I'm so sorry for your situation. It's got to be a lot of pressure. Does he qualify for unemployment benefits? That might help bridge you.
I'm a woman breadwinner in my household and it's stressful. Maybe there's work in another field that would value your husband's background? I work at a hospital and there are full time positions for clergy and a position for ethics coordinator. |
Anonymous
Actually OP I think those are pretty big deals in terms of career and work. I do think a Pastor needs to be responsive and has to be good with the admin staff. Maybe he needs to actually rethink his career choice. Pastoring is something that is intensively people oriented and that means being responsive to all. |