asperger

[Anonymous]

anyone have dated or married someone with Asperger? can you tell me your experience?

[Anonymous]

We suspect my uncle (my mom's sister's husband) of having aspergers. He is a brilliant genius - a scientist who discovered something important in the medical field, multiple ivy league degrees. He is very socially awkward and literally can only engage when you talk about something he is interested in. There is no arguing with him - he literally knows everything about subjects he likes (politics, farming, medicine, chemistry, world history, etc) and is always right. But he is really nice and they are happy together. They've been married for at least 30 years. They decided not to have children and spend quite a bit of time traveling.

based on what I see of my uncle - I think the key to a successful relationship is being okay with someone who comes off as (and is) a know it all and being okay with someone who is socially awkward.
Do you have specific questions - happy to try to answer?

[Anonymous]

Pretty sure DH has it. No official diagnosis. What types of experiences are you curious about?

[Anonymous]

My cousin was married to someone with Asperger's. He was socially awkward and very rigid- he hated deviating from a routine. He was very exacting about how she should dress, exercise, cook, keep the house, etc. Very judgmental black and white thinker, had a superiority complex (and while he was smart, he was not as brilliant as he thought he was). Didn't enjoy going out or being around anyone except her and didn't like for her to have time away from him with her friends or family.

On the plus side he didn't lie and genuinely cared about her. But he was much too much to live with and he seriously detracted from her quality of life so she could not stay with him.

[Anonymous]

My ex-DH. It was a significant problem in our relationship. He believes that he has a monopoly on reason and being right, really can't understand others' perspectives. My needs were only legitimate to the extent he could directly relate. If he deemed a request or need as something he didn't approve of, I was out of luck. He has lots of emotions but difficulty processing them. Emotionally he's a child only will never grow up. The bottom line is that it's a lot like living with a total narcissist. This became especially apparent after we had children.

[Anonymous]

I think my DH has Aspergers. Can't communicate unless it's about one of his few interests. Can't express emotions or make eye contact. Doesn't understand humor, gestures, or reading between the lines. Emotionally immature and blames everything on me. I'm not sure how to get him help.

[Anonymous]

My DH isn't as bad as what's being posted here. He frustrates me, to be sure. But he's not that bad. The thing that bothers me most is that he's become more rigid over time rather than becoming more mellow. He has a great sense of humor, he's a genius who can chat about practically any topic, and he's hands on with the kids.

That said, he lacks empathy. Big time. Aside from being smart, he knows he's smart, therefore he's rarely wrong. He can admit it when he's wrong, but you have to prove it, and even then he may be critical of the source, or suddenly the point is not nearly as important as it was when he was correct. He's only apologized a handful of times since I've known him (lack of empathy and rarely wrong, so why would he need to apologize?). He can chat with people, but he usually doesn't want to, so he usually doesn't. He's a homebody, very introverted, and perfectly happy to stay home and watch Nova or Ken Burns documentaries or random fact based tv shows. He likes things to be a certain way, and doesn't deal well with change. He doesn't handle teen drama from the kids well at all. He's a picky eater.

What works best for me is to come at him with logic. I find something fact based to prove why he needs to do whatever I'm asking him to do or support (if I want to do it without him). Also I prep him if I'm able before we broach sensitive topics with teen and tween DDs. (As in, don't try to fix their problem the way a 40yo man would, because DDs and their friends aren't 40yo men.) I'm very straightforward about expectations and emotional needs. He's never going to pick up on clues. It sucks to have to say exactly what I need from him, that he's never going to intuitively pick up on it and meet my needs, but when he knows what I need he tries hard to see that I don't go without. He knows he doesn't view the world the same way as i do (although he would say it's too bad we can't all be like him).

[Anonymous]

I think some of the posters here assume that their dh is asperger but imo they have strong personality preferences, except the diagnosed ones. Take an INTJ, many of the things said here could be applied to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think some of the posters here assume that their dh is asperger but imo they have strong personality preferences, except the diagnosed ones. Take an INTJ, many of the things said here could be applied to them.

+1

PPs, your DHs are very unlikely to have A. Unless you are a qualified professional who is able to diagnose them. My advice to you is stick with diagnosing your MILs

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think some of the posters here assume that their dh is asperger but imo they have strong personality preferences, except the diagnosed ones. Take an INTJ, many of the things said here could be applied to them.

I'm INTJ and no one has ever mistaken me for someone with Asperger's. When you deal with it 24/7, I think you get to know those "quirks" pretty well. Adults with Asperger's were often misdiagnosed or labeled as nerdy or quirky because there wasn't a commonly accepted diagnosis when they were kids. Now as adults, most don't see the need to get an official diagnosis, assuming they even realize they may be on the spectrum. Really, for a fully functioning adult, a diagnosis doesn't make a lot of difference. It may help others learn how to deal with them better, and it may help point them in the right direction to develop coping strategies, but honestly, if they've made it to adulthood with a spouse, they've probably already figured out a system that works for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think some of the posters here assume that their dh is asperger but imo they have strong personality preferences, except the diagnosed ones. Take an INTJ, many of the things said here could be applied to them.

+1

PPs, your DHs are very unlikely to have A. Unless you are a qualified professional who is able to diagnose them. My advice to you is stick with diagnosing your MILs

Why do you think they're very unlikely to have Asperger's? Do you really think the skyrocketing asd diagnosis rates have nothing to do with misdiagnosing or under diagnosing in the past?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think some of the posters here assume that their dh is asperger but imo they have strong personality preferences, except the diagnosed ones. Take an INTJ, many of the things said here could be applied to them.

+1

PPs, your DHs are very unlikely to have A. Unless you are a qualified professional who is able to diagnose them. My advice to you is stick with diagnosing your MILs

Why do you think they're very unlikely to have Asperger's? Do you really think the skyrocketing asd diagnosis rates have nothing to do with misdiagnosing or under diagnosing in the past?

Wow, I'm glad you know they are not over diagnosing in the present. Please lend me you crystal ball asap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think some of the posters here assume that their dh is asperger but imo they have strong personality preferences, except the diagnosed ones. Take an INTJ, many of the things said here could be applied to them.

+1

PPs, your DHs are very unlikely to have A. Unless you are a qualified professional who is able to diagnose them. My advice to you is stick with diagnosing your MILs

Why do you think they're very unlikely to have Asperger's? Do you really think the skyrocketing asd diagnosis rates have nothing to do with misdiagnosing or under diagnosing in the past?

Wow, I'm glad you know they are not over diagnosing in the present. Please lend me you crystal ball asap.

What I said isn't any more of a reach than you saying that people with AS symptoms don't have it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think some of the posters here assume that their dh is asperger but imo they have strong personality preferences, except the diagnosed ones. Take an INTJ, many of the things said here could be applied to them.

+1

PPs, your DHs are very unlikely to have A. Unless you are a qualified professional who is able to diagnose them. My advice to you is stick with diagnosing your MILs

Why do you think they're very unlikely to have Asperger's? Do you really think the skyrocketing asd diagnosis rates have nothing to do with misdiagnosing or under diagnosing in the past?

Wow, I'm glad you know they are not over diagnosing in the present. Please lend me you crystal ball asap.

What I said isn't any more of a reach than you saying that people with AS symptoms don't have it.

+1
For what it's worth I'm a PP on this thread. He had a diagnosis.

[Anonymous]

DH and I are doctors and scientists, and can easily see how one of us, a nephew and our son have Asperger's tendencies.
The nephew is the only one who's officially diagnosed, but it doesn't take a genius to compared symptoms within the same family!

OP, to answer your question, I have to be very direct and plain in my language with DH. In our daily life we have reached a stable point, yet I know from experience that major life events throw a wrench in DH's sense of pattern, and all bets are off. My greatest fear is to die, leaving the kids with him. They're the apple of his eye, but he can't understand them easily without me.