asperger

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ex-DH. It was a significant problem in our relationship. He believes that he has a monopoly on reason and being right, really can't understand others' perspectives. My needs were only legitimate to the extent he could directly relate. If he deemed a request or need as something he didn't approve of, I was out of luck. He has lots of emotions but difficulty processing them. Emotionally he's a child only will never grow up. The bottom line is that it's a lot like living with a total narcissist. This became especially apparent after we had children.

Could you explain the difference between Narcissist and Aspergers? I am genuinely curious - dealing with someone who I strongly believe has NPD but I also have found resources on Aspergers that indicate the same thing.

I'm the person you quoted. In the end, Asperger's can present essentially like narcissism. It's not as manipulative, doesn't involve lying, and doesn't have the same cause, but at the end of the day you are with someone who does not value the views of others. There is little room for compromise and the person has to have his way because it is the only rational, acceptable way. Doing anything less that what he thinks is right is painful and unacceptable to him. That means that in all our major life decisions, his opinion mattered most. When we had children, it was amazing how he could rationalize putting his needs above that of an infant--but he did.

Ex-DH was incapable of lying, and he was a very hard-working person (well, workaholic). He didn't cut corners. I knew where I stood with him. He was dedicated to me and the family in his own way, but it was on his terms entirely. If something was important to me but not to him, it didn't stand a chance. When I decided to divorce, our joint marital counselor told me to watch out for DH b/c although he's Asperger's and not a true narcissist, in effect it would be like the same thing. It was. He was rigid, thought he was all knowing, not open to compromise, focused on his own needs above the kids'.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ex-DH. It was a significant problem in our relationship. He believes that he has a monopoly on reason and being right, really can't understand others' perspectives. My needs were only legitimate to the extent he could directly relate. If he deemed a request or need as something he didn't approve of, I was out of luck. He has lots of emotions but difficulty processing them. Emotionally he's a child only will never grow up. The bottom line is that it's a lot like living with a total narcissist. This became especially apparent after we had children.

Could you explain the difference between Narcissist and Aspergers? I am genuinely curious - dealing with someone who I strongly believe has NPD but I also have found resources on Aspergers that indicate the same thing.

I'm the person you quoted. In the end, Asperger's can present essentially like narcissism. It's not as manipulative, doesn't involve lying, and doesn't have the same cause, but at the end of the day you are with someone who does not value the views of others. There is little room for compromise and the person has to have his way because it is the only rational, acceptable way. Doing anything less that what he thinks is right is painful and unacceptable to him. That means that in all our major life decisions, his opinion mattered most. When we had children, it was amazing how he could rationalize putting his needs above that of an infant--but he did.

Ex-DH was incapable of lying, and he was a very hard-working person (well, workaholic). He didn't cut corners. I knew where I stood with him. He was dedicated to me and the family in his own way, but it was on his terms entirely. If something was important to me but not to him, it didn't stand a chance. When I decided to divorce, our joint marital counselor told me to watch out for DH b/c although he's Asperger's and not a true narcissist, in effect it would be like the same thing. It was. He was rigid, thought he was all knowing, not open to compromise, focused on his own needs above the kids'.

It's not like that for everyone though. I'd hate for people to generalize that everyone who has AS is that level of narcissist from your post. It's definitely not a cakewalk, but DH never would put his desires before the children's needs, especially when they were infants. He may put his desires above the children's desires, but I don't think that's always a horrible thing for parents to do. He's actually amazing with the kids because he doesn't get emotional about things the way I do and he approaches problems rationally with the attitude that every problem has a solution. He's far more patient with them than I am most of the time. Of course, sometimes he slips into condescension mode and we all tell him to snap back out of it and he usually is able to. He's a really good teacher as well. (Not his career, just in the sense of passing on knowledge to another person in a way they'll get.) He has a knack for figuring out if a person is better at visual or audio learning, and figures out a way to explain it or illustrate it so that they understand.

It sucks to play board games with him though because he is so inflexible. Monopoly can take weeks to finish. Strategy games are the worst because he can think 37 steps ahead while I'm trying to figure out what he just did. It takes forever to get a game started because he has to thoroughly read the rule book if it's a new game or if he hasn't played in a while. If I "misplace" the rules, he'll just google them, and that leads to reading reviews of the games, etc. He's inflexible about the tv schedule. He's a very picky eater. Lots of quirks that I've gotten used to but would probably drive me crazy if I just met him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ex-DH. It was a significant problem in our relationship. He believes that he has a monopoly on reason and being right, really can't understand others' perspectives. My needs were only legitimate to the extent he could directly relate. If he deemed a request or need as something he didn't approve of, I was out of luck. He has lots of emotions but difficulty processing them. Emotionally he's a child only will never grow up. The bottom line is that it's a lot like living with a total narcissist. This became especially apparent after we had children.

Could you explain the difference between Narcissist and Aspergers? I am genuinely curious - dealing with someone who I strongly believe has NPD but I also have found resources on Aspergers that indicate the same thing.

I'm the person you quoted. In the end, Asperger's can present essentially like narcissism. It's not as manipulative, doesn't involve lying, and doesn't have the same cause, but at the end of the day you are with someone who does not value the views of others. There is little room for compromise and the person has to have his way because it is the only rational, acceptable way. Doing anything less that what he thinks is right is painful and unacceptable to him. That means that in all our major life decisions, his opinion mattered most. When we had children, it was amazing how he could rationalize putting his needs above that of an infant--but he did.

Ex-DH was incapable of lying, and he was a very hard-working person (well, workaholic). He didn't cut corners. I knew where I stood with him. He was dedicated to me and the family in his own way, but it was on his terms entirely. If something was important to me but not to him, it didn't stand a chance. When I decided to divorce, our joint marital counselor told me to watch out for DH b/c although he's Asperger's and not a true narcissist, in effect it would be like the same thing. It was. He was rigid, thought he was all knowing, not open to compromise, focused on his own needs above the kids'.

It's not like that for everyone though. I'd hate for people to generalize that everyone who has AS is that level of narcissist from your post. It's definitely not a cakewalk, but DH never would put his desires before the children's needs, especially when they were infants. He may put his desires above the children's desires, but I don't think that's always a horrible thing for parents to do. He's actually amazing with the kids because he doesn't get emotional about things the way I do and he approaches problems rationally with the attitude that every problem has a solution. He's far more patient with them than I am most of the time. Of course, sometimes he slips into condescension mode and we all tell him to snap back out of it and he usually is able to. He's a really good teacher as well. (Not his career, just in the sense of passing on knowledge to another person in a way they'll get.) He has a knack for figuring out if a person is better at visual or audio learning, and figures out a way to explain it or illustrate it so that they understand.

It sucks to play board games with him though because he is so inflexible. Monopoly can take weeks to finish. Strategy games are the worst because he can think 37 steps ahead while I'm trying to figure out what he just did. It takes forever to get a game started because he has to thoroughly read the rule book if it's a new game or if he hasn't played in a while. If I "misplace" the rules, he'll just google them, and that leads to reading reviews of the games, etc. He's inflexible about the tv schedule. He's a very picky eater. Lots of quirks that I've gotten used to but would probably drive me crazy if I just met him.

So it sounds like your husband is either on the very mild end of the spectrum, or he was diagnosed and received some interventions that helped him learn to move through life more successfully? I only know my experience as the child of someone who had no diagnosis and who is pretty severely affected by his different brain. He was a really terrible partner and even worse father (violent, controlling, unreasonable). OP, only you can be the judge. But if you don't have a lot invested in this relationship yet, I would think long and hard. Maybe I am a terrible and judgmental person, but for me, it would not be worth the risk of attempting to build a life with someone you think you can be a true partner with, only to find that is not the case once you are more entangled (with children, finances, etc.). I would guess if the OP is posting here, she already has doubts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think some of the posters here assume that their dh is asperger but imo they have strong personality preferences, except the diagnosed ones. Take an INTJ, many of the things said here could be applied to them.

Wat?! I'm an INTJ and I'm a peach!

[Anonymous]

I don't think narcissism and controlling behaviors being discussed here are really the hallmarks of adult aspergers. I know two adult Aspergers men, and you pretty much see the same features that you see identified in kids: special interests, social awkwardness, poor eye contact, uncomfortable with expressions of emotion, inability to read social cues. Both of these men have long, apparently happy marriages.

[Anonymous]

So it sounds like your husband is either on the very mild end of the spectrum, or he was diagnosed and received some interventions that helped him learn to move through life more successfully? I only know my experience as the child of someone who had no diagnosis and who is pretty severely affected by his different brain. He was a really terrible partner and even worse father (violent, controlling, unreasonable). OP, only you can be the judge. But if you don't have a lot invested in this relationship yet, I would think long and hard. Maybe I am a terrible and judgmental person, but for me, it would not be worth the risk of attempting to build a life with someone you think you can be a true partner with, only to find that is not the case once you are more entangled (with children, finances, etc.). I would guess if the OP is posting here, she already has doubts.

I think this is the problem with self diagnosis or diagnosing family members. It sounds like he had other issues beyond AS. Violence toward spouses or children isn't a given.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think narcissism and controlling behaviors being discussed here are really the hallmarks of adult aspergers. I know two adult Aspergers men, and you pretty much see the same features that you see identified in kids: special interests, social awkwardness, poor eye contact, uncomfortable with expressions of emotion, inability to read social cues. Both of these men have long, apparently happy marriages.

It's very difficult to judge whether a marriage is happy. It's very possible that even if they are happy, it can be because the rigid Asperger's person hooked up with a super flexible, giving person who caved to his preferences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

So it sounds like your husband is either on the very mild end of the spectrum, or he was diagnosed and received some interventions that helped him learn to move through life more successfully? I only know my experience as the child of someone who had no diagnosis and who is pretty severely affected by his different brain. He was a really terrible partner and even worse father (violent, controlling, unreasonable). OP, only you can be the judge. But if you don't have a lot invested in this relationship yet, I would think long and hard. Maybe I am a terrible and judgmental person, but for me, it would not be worth the risk of attempting to build a life with someone you think you can be a true partner with, only to find that is not the case once you are more entangled (with children, finances, etc.). I would guess if the OP is posting here, she already has doubts.

I think this is the problem with self diagnosis or diagnosing family members. It sounds like he had other issues beyond AS. Violence toward spouses or children isn't a given.

Op here, how do ask you SO to get help for his Asperger behavior .

[Anonymous]

https://www.aane.org/about_asperger_syndrome/asperger_syndrome_diagnosis_adults.html

I'd also suggest having him take a quiz online to see if he might have AS. DH read something about it, took a test, and that got the ball rolling. He doesn't try to treat it or do any therapy, but he has modified certain aspects of his behavior due to the diagnosis. I haven't discussed it with him, but my guess is he read about how it's treated, picks and chooses what he wants to work on, and ignores what he doesn't see as a problem.

GL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think narcissism and controlling behaviors being discussed here are really the hallmarks of adult aspergers. I know two adult Aspergers men, and you pretty much see the same features that you see identified in kids: special interests, social awkwardness, poor eye contact, uncomfortable with expressions of emotion, inability to read social cues. Both of these men have long, apparently happy marriages.

I agree with this, based on my experiences with Aspies, including my ex, his family of Aspies, and our own grown child. The ones who grow up to be assholes and narcissists would have been so, even if they weren't Aspergers, because of issues in how they were raised.