How TF should I have answered this?

[Anonymous]

My brother and his wife had a baby six months ago. We live in the same city. They're both successful and rich and lawyers. I'm poor and unsuccessful and thought of pathetically by them.

They bemoan all the time how they have no family nearby for their baby. My brother talks all the time about how they don't have anyone to babysit, even though I spent from age 12 to about 35 babysitting part time. Even though my SIL's 30 yr old little sister is currently living with them. Even though they have a full-time nanny who has plainly told them she wants as many hours as possible (bro told me this, SIL confirmed). They talk about how shitty it is that some family members don't take an interest in the baby - how when my parents visited they held her for two seconds, etc.

I try to see her about once a month. Yesterday on the phone with my brother, I mentioned I'd like to see her. He said, "What would you do with her?" Huh? I mean, she's a baby. I'd poke her in the belly and make her laugh. He said, "She's not the pillbury dough boy. I don't want you poking my daughter." Way to take a joke. So I said I'd play with her, read her books, take her to swing at the park, etc. He kept asking though, "What would you play with her?"

It's a BABY! You just follow their lead. You sing them songs and play with their hands and show them things and talk to them. It's not like I can say "Well first we'll play Candyland and then move on to Monopoly."

Is there some other, better answer that would have satisfied a normal parent, or is my brother just once again, letting me know he thinks very little of my competence even in the area of playing with a normal, happy six month old?

[Anonymous]

Ask him flat out, "do you think I'm just incompetent?". Perhaps stop associating with him and his wife. You don't need that negativity in your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ask him flat out, "do you think I'm just incompetent?". Perhaps stop associating with him and his wife. You don't need that negativity in your life.

+1. Assholes be assholes, I wouldn't want to spend time with people like that.

[Anonymous]

OP, it sounds like your brother and SIL like to complain, not that they personally find you objectionable. Let it go.

Also, you live in the same city and only see them once a month? Initiate more often, and then you can feel like more of an aunt/uncle to your new niece.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like they feel uncomfortable with you babysitting. You mention that they don't think highly of your successes. Is it possible you've made some mistakes in judgement they consider as unsafe to watch their child? I mention this because I have a friend in a similar position. She loves her nephews and wants to help more but she has totaled three cars, gotten in numerous other accidents, and always picks the wrong men as boyfriends. These choices lead some people to believe she wouldn't have good judgement around children, especially children who are too young to speak up. This may not be your situation at all. But perhaps your brother and SIL are looking at an overall picture?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, it sounds like your brother and SIL like to complain, not that they personally find you objectionable. Let it go.

Also, you live in the same city and only see them once a month? Initiate more often, and then you can feel like more of an aunt/uncle to your new niece.

That's really hard. Her bedtime routine starts at 5:30 and I couldn't get to them from work until around 5:45. My brother gets home from work around 6:30-7:30 and often doesn't see her at night. So weekdays are basically out. They're super social, so they always have plans on weekends or are rushing around doing errands.

Plus, I live in a shithole of an apartment that is not fit for a baby. They never come where I live. Literally, my SIL has never been inside my apartment and I've lived here six years. I have no table, no couch, etc. I don't have company. So when I want to see the baby, I'm basically inviting myself over to their house. They JUST took her to a playground for the first time a week ago, so they're not going to be down with me taking her all over the city to different ones or taking her for a walk or anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it sounds like your brother and SIL like to complain, not that they personally find you objectionable. Let it go.

Also, you live in the same city and only see them once a month? Initiate more often, and then you can feel like more of an aunt/uncle to your new niece.

That's really hard. Her bedtime routine starts at 5:30 and I couldn't get to them from work until around 5:45. My brother gets home from work around 6:30-7:30 and often doesn't see her at night. So weekdays are basically out. They're super social, so they always have plans on weekends or are rushing around doing errands.

Plus, I live in a shithole of an apartment that is not fit for a baby. They never come where I live. Literally, my SIL has never been inside my apartment and I've lived here six years. I have no table, no couch, etc. I don't have company. So when I want to see the baby, I'm basically inviting myself over to their house. They JUST took her to a playground for the first time a week ago, so they're not going to be down with me taking her all over the city to different ones or taking her for a walk or anything.

She's getting older, and the weather is getting nicer. Initiate more often, including inviting yourself over. See how it goes.

[Anonymous]

I think I would have said, “It sounds like you don’t want me to come over. If that is the case, just say so."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, it sounds like your brother and SIL like to complain, not that they personally find you objectionable. Let it go.

Also, you live in the same city and only see them once a month? Initiate more often, and then you can feel like more of an aunt/uncle to your new niece.

They sound crazy nutty!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like they feel uncomfortable with you babysitting. You mention that they don't think highly of your successes. Is it possible you've made some mistakes in judgement they consider as unsafe to watch their child? I mention this because I have a friend in a similar position. She loves her nephews and wants to help more but she has totaled three cars, gotten in numerous other accidents, and always picks the wrong men as boyfriends. These choices lead some people to believe she wouldn't have good judgement around children, especially children who are too young to speak up. This may not be your situation at all. But perhaps your brother and SIL are looking at an overall picture?

Not really. I'm not good at keeping a job, but it's mostly just horrible luck and less my doing. At my last job I got laid off because the boss didn't have enough work to sustain employing me (his only employer). At the job before that the boss closed the company. Also, I'm fat. And I think my SIL has ... not an eating disorder, but disordered thinking about food and bodies, and I know her mother has disordered eating and sister has a flat-out eating disorder. Also, you may not remember but I'm the poster who has horrible psoriasis or eczema and my brother told me they're worried about me being near the baby and it falling into her mouth or something. Which really hurt my feelings, even though I get it. But maybe I'm not the person he should complain to about not having a babysitter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, it sounds like your brother and SIL like to complain, not that they personally find you objectionable. Let it go.

I agree with this!

Anonymous wrote:Also, you live in the same city and only see them once a month? Initiate more often, and then you can feel like more of an aunt/uncle to your new niece.

But not this.

I don't understand why you continue to offer to babysit at all. I recall a previous post that might have been from you --- not asking you to babysit, despite your experience, not respecting your accomplishments, etc.

I think all of you need to remember that babysitting is a favor from you to them. If anyone is uncomfortable (you or the parents), then just don't do it.

To answer your specific question, in response to your bro, I would probably have asked: Is there something in particular you want me to do with her?

But bigger picture -- I would not babysit again for the forseeable future. It is obvious that no one can be perfect enough for these parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: She loves her nephews and wants to help more but she has totaled three cars, gotten in numerous other accidents, and always picks the wrong men as boyfriends.

This is ridiculous. I wouldn't let her drive my kids around, but how else is it relevant?

[Anonymous]

They don't want you in their lives. Fuck them and the baby they birthed. Family doesn't need to be forever

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like they feel uncomfortable with you babysitting. You mention that they don't think highly of your successes. Is it possible you've made some mistakes in judgement they consider as unsafe to watch their child? I mention this because I have a friend in a similar position. She loves her nephews and wants to help more but she has totaled three cars, gotten in numerous other accidents, and always picks the wrong men as boyfriends. These choices lead some people to believe she wouldn't have good judgement around children, especially children who are too young to speak up. This may not be your situation at all. But perhaps your brother and SIL are looking at an overall picture?

Not really. I'm not good at keeping a job, but it's mostly just horrible luck and less my doing. At my last job I got laid off because the boss didn't have enough work to sustain employing me (his only employer). At the job before that the boss closed the company. Also, I'm fat. And I think my SIL has ... not an eating disorder, but disordered thinking about food and bodies, and I know her mother has disordered eating and sister has a flat-out eating disorder. Also, you may not remember but I'm the poster who has horrible psoriasis or eczema and my brother told me they're worried about me being near the baby and it falling into her mouth or something. Which really hurt my feelings, even though I get it. But maybe I'm not the person he should complain to about not having a babysitter.

They are flat out horrible people. Just don't expose yourself to that level of awfulness right now, OP. Maybe when the baby is older and can decide for herself who she likes and doesn't like you can develop a relationship with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it sounds like your brother and SIL like to complain, not that they personally find you objectionable. Let it go.

I agree with this!

Anonymous wrote:Also, you live in the same city and only see them once a month? Initiate more often, and then you can feel like more of an aunt/uncle to your new niece.

But not this.

I don't understand why you continue to offer to babysit at all. I recall a previous post that might have been from you --- not asking you to babysit, despite your experience, not respecting your accomplishments, etc.

I think all of you need to remember that babysitting is a favor from you to them. If anyone is uncomfortable (you or the parents), then just don't do it.

To answer your specific question, in response to your bro, I would probably have asked: Is there something in particular you want me to do with her?

But bigger picture -- I would not babysit again for the forseeable future. It is obvious that no one can be perfect enough for these parents.

YES THISSSSS!!! That is a GREAT thing for me to say! Thank you, it's perfect. And I won't offer to babysit ever again. I've offered, the MIL has, my parents have, and they have reasons why none of us are good enough. Screw them. They can go hire a $20 an hour sitter in that case.

My mom made an interesting point. I told her I try not to be around my SIL much because she, since getting pregnant, has made some really rude and/or hurtful comments to me (which I said nothing to, because she was pregnant and then a new mom). And my mom said that my relationship with my niece is its own relationship, separate from my relationship with SIL. And I see her point. Yet, if they won't let the baby out of their sight except with the nanny, then no - my relationship with the niece is PART of my relationship with SIL. (A small part of me worries they will raise her to look down on me the way they do, and that makes me really, really sad.)