Divorcing while DC is under 1

[Anonymous]

Does anyone wish they had separated before the baby was old enough to remember you and your spouse as a married couple?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does anyone wish they had separated before the baby was old enough to remember you and your spouse as a married couple?

Yes, very much. It just gets harder.

[Anonymous]

My son was a baby when my ex and I split. We weren't married, but to my son the result of our split is the same. It was very very difficult for him to go between homes as an infant and toddler, and the transitions were hell on me (mom) because ds saved all his emotions for me. Now at 7, ds is used to it and transitions are easier (but still hard sometimes), and ds misses his dad when he's at my house and vice versa. Ds also asks all the hard questions about why we don't live together, and why we had a baby if we weren't trying to, and why can't we live together, and why do we live far apart, and why does he live with me and not dad, and why can't the schedule be different.

I don't wish we had waited, because my ex was abusive and I had to leave, but my son lacks all context for the relationship. I also don't doubt when people say it gets harder when the kids are older, but it's far from easy when the kids are babies/toddlers.

[Anonymous]

Not saying not to divorce, but holy mother of god the first 2 years with our son were an insane roller coaster of emotions. I am glad I didn't make any life changing choices hat first year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does anyone wish they had separated before the baby was old enough to remember you and your spouse as a married couple?

Your child won't remember much, if anything, before age 3, if then. Can you give it a little more time?

[Anonymous]

Op here
Yes it can wait. It's not about abuse. It might get better, but I had always thought we would have three. I don't believe we could take the stress of a second child.

[Anonymous]

OP the worst of my marriage was my child's first two years of life. Then it got significantly better. There is a chance of that, depending on the problems you are facing.

My brother divorced when their child was two. It was relatively easy on the kids who were very young . But my nephew has had many of the same questions as th PP's kid above. And developed anxiety around 8, pretty significant anxiety, that a therapist related to the divorce. Even though the two parents coparent well. He does get therapy and he's much better now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP the worst of my marriage was my child's first two years of life. Then it got significantly better. There is a chance of that, depending on the problems you are facing.

My brother divorced when their child was two. It was relatively easy on the kids who were very young . But my nephew has had many of the same questions as th PP's kid above. And developed anxiety around 8, pretty significant anxiety, that a therapist related to the divorce. Even though the two parents coparent well. He does get therapy and he's much better now.

Sorry now clear. Two kids, one who was 2 is the one who had more trouble with it.

[Anonymous]

Divorced and moved out before he turned 1. Never had a problem, never asked any questions. Most of the time in dad's house, 3-4 days in mine and aunt's.
Don't regret doing it as early as possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here
Yes it can wait. It's not about abuse. It might get better, but I had always thought we would have three. I don't believe we could take the stress of a second child.

So why do you want to get divorced? Because your spouse wants another child and you only want one?

That's sad to me it seems petty to upend an existing child's life for a theoretical non kid.


Not saying you should give in and go for 2 if you both aren't on the same page, but if your first is quite young give yourself time to consider number 2. I know 2 year spacing is the American standard, but sometimes it's more practical to have a larger gap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here
Yes it can wait. It's not about abuse. It might get better, but I had always thought we would have three. I don't believe we could take the stress of a second child.

So why do you want to get divorced? Because your spouse wants another child and you only want one?

That's sad to me it seems petty to upend an existing child's life for a theoretical non kid.

How are you getting that? I assumed problems in the relationship surfaced or were magnified after the arrival of the baby. I know a couple like this. They love their kid, but parenthood brings out the worst in them (especially him) and thus in their relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Divorced and moved out before he turned 1. Never had a problem, never asked any questions. Most of the time in dad's house, 3-4 days in mine and aunt's.
Don't regret doing it as early as possible.

Do you think he kept questions to himself or asked someone else? How does a kid not have questions at some point?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP the worst of my marriage was my child's first two years of life. Then it got significantly better. There is a chance of that, depending on the problems you are facing.

My brother divorced when their child was two. It was relatively easy on the kids who were very young . But my nephew has had many of the same questions as th PP's kid above. And developed anxiety around 8, pretty significant anxiety, that a therapist related to the divorce. Even though the two parents coparent well. He does get therapy and he's much better now.

OP, new babies can be extremely taxing on a marriage. Everyone, including DCUM encouraged me to not make any major life decisions or divorce my husband when we had marital problems in the first couple years of our child's life. He's now three years old and I am so, so glad I didn't divorce my husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here
Yes it can wait. It's not about abuse. It might get better, but I had always thought we would have three. I don't believe we could take the stress of a second child.

The first year of the first child's life can be really really really hard on a marriage. And if you weren't expecting it to be hard, even more so.

Seek marriage counseling, do what you can, survive...there may well be a way past this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here
Yes it can wait. It's not about abuse. It might get better, but I had always thought we would have three. I don't believe we could take the stress of a second child.

So why do you want to get divorced? Because your spouse wants another child and you only want one?

That's sad to me it seems petty to upend an existing child's life for a theoretical non kid.

How are you getting that? I assumed problems in the relationship surfaced or were magnified after the arrival of the baby. I know a couple like this. They love their kid, but parenthood brings out the worst in them (especially him) and thus in their relationship.

Op again. Yes, this describes the situation adequately. I think it's probably worth it to solider through a bit. However I don't want to live a life seething with resentment and bitterness, and I don't want my child raised by a mother like that.