Divorcing while DC is under 1

[Anonymous]

OP, I could have been you. Then my son turned 2, and oh my gosh, it's like I reached the end of a tunnel. A very long, very stressful tunnel with lots of arguing and resentment and depression.

To get through those 2 years, there was lots of therapy, drugs, and ditching the baby with daddy and escaping for my old passions (I took a week's vacation with a girlfriend, would schedule one or two Saturdays a month to divulge in my hobby, picked one night a week that I stayed at work late and DH did pick up dinner/bed).

I was shocked to find that I wasn't a baby person at all, and that I really hated being a mother to an infant. I resented DH for pushing me to have a child, and it really chipped away at our marriage.

Now though? At 2, DS is a little person rather than a baby. We can DO things together, instead of just me keep him alive. Our family time is enjoyable again, instead of a chore. I still am not willing to go through those first 2 years again (despite thinking we would have multiple children), but I no longer see my marriage/family as a trapping.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here
Yes it can wait. It's not about abuse. It might get better, but I had always thought we would have three. I don't believe we could take the stress of a second child.

OP, the first year of my child's life was the worst year of my marriage. Seriously, it was awful. I would not make decisions based on anything that happens the first year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I could have been you. Then my son turned 2, and oh my gosh, it's like I reached the end of a tunnel. A very long, very stressful tunnel with lots of arguing and resentment and depression.

To get through those 2 years, there was lots of therapy, drugs, and ditching the baby with daddy and escaping for my old passions (I took a week's vacation with a girlfriend, would schedule one or two Saturdays a month to divulge in my hobby, picked one night a week that I stayed at work late and DH did pick up dinner/bed).

I was shocked to find that I wasn't a baby person at all, and that I really hated being a mother to an infant. I resented DH for pushing me to have a child, and it really chipped away at our marriage.

Now though? At 2, DS is a little person rather than a baby. We can DO things together, instead of just me keep him alive. Our family time is enjoyable again, instead of a chore. I still am not willing to go through those first 2 years again (despite thinking we would have multiple children), but I no longer see my marriage/family as a trapping.

Immediate PP here and I agree with all this.

[Anonymous]

Absolutely, if it's going to happen, best to happen while they are as small as possible. My five year old had trouble adapting. Infant is now 8 and has no problem with the divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here
Yes it can wait. It's not about abuse. It might get better, but I had always thought we would have three. I don't believe we could take the stress of a second child.

OP, the first year of my child's life was the worst year of my marriage. Seriously, it was awful. I would not make decisions based on anything that happens the first year.

+1

[Anonymous]

Are you a man or a woman? If it's related to sex, remember that many, many mothers just don't want to have it especially while breastfeeding. It's nothing personal. It's hormones. Just try to be understanding and kind. If there's no abuse, wait it out until the baby turns 2. The first couple of years with a new baby are really hard.

[Anonymous]

You should seriously wait to make any life-changing decisions until your child is at least 18 months old -- having a child is very hard, even for a strong marriage.

[Anonymous]

I separated when my kids were about 21 months (divorced officially 3 years later) They don't remember us being together at all. My parents divorced and separated before I was in kindergarten and I don't remember them being together at all.

[Anonymous]

Can you spend money to alleviate the resentment? It gets so much easier after the child turns two, that if you can outsource some of the areas where you feel like you are doing too much, it might be much cheaper than divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here
Yes it can wait. It's not about abuse. It might get better, but I had always thought we would have three. I don't believe we could take the stress of a second child.

So why do you want to get divorced? Because your spouse wants another child and you only want one?

That's sad to me it seems petty to upend an existing child's life for a theoretical non kid.

How are you getting that? I assumed problems in the relationship surfaced or were magnified after the arrival of the baby. I know a couple like this. They love their kid, but parenthood brings out the worst in them (especially him) and thus in their relationship.

Op again. Yes, this describes the situation adequately. I think it's probably worth it to solider through a bit. However I don't want to live a life seething with resentment and bitterness, and I don't want my child raised by a mother like that.

I'm the PP who wished I had divorced. It is important to put your problems in context, yes new babies are hard and the transition to parenthood can be taxing on a marriage. But it is also a good time to see your what kind of partnership you really have. Through it all are you supported? Is your husband compassionate and caring? How does he respond when the chips are down? Does he have your back? Everyone has their weak moments but if he is consistently unhelpful, uncaring, selfish, whatever, he may be showing his true colors. It's easy to be married when things are easy. It's easy to be generous with there is plenty. Tough times are the real test. And tough times are a fact of life. Job loss, illness, death, it happens. Is the man you are seeing now someone you want at your side when those tough times happen. In my case, no. And I realized it when our daughter was an infant, I disregarded it thinking it was new parent angst. Six years later I'm in deeper and divorce will be much harder.

I'm not pro-divorce. I'm not saying my situation is your situation. But don't dismiss your feelings. If you are thinking divorce you should at least process those feelings. Maybe talk to a therapist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does anyone wish they had separated before the baby was old enough to remember you and your spouse as a married couple?

It's a big reason by husband and I are separating at this time. Our relationship had always been a functional unit with low stress but little connection, we made each other's lives easier but didn't add much to it. We decided to have a baby and once I was pregnant he realized that our marriage was not the model he wanted our child to have as they grew up (no affection, roommates, cordial) and made the hard call to ask for a divorce when I was in my third trimester. Now our daughter is less than a year and we split time, we each see her a bit every day because of her daycare schedule and split weekends. It's actually been a great stress reliever for me since, while she is a very easy baby, I have 2-3 nights a week to myself where I can go out with friends or run errands or watch my shows. I miss her those nights, but we generally don't go more than 24 hours without seeing her. But it was important to us that she not know us together and have a functional coparenting family than stay together 'for her sake' for years when we knew the marriage was over and have it be an earth shattering revelation one day.

[Anonymous]

I left at 7 months but we'd had a toxic dynamic for years. I tried to leave sooner and came back because I was pregnant. That said, I think OP should wait a year or two and revisit. The early years are rough as fuck.